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September 2014 marked 2 whole years of trying for a baby. We already had two amazing little girls, and couldn’t wait to add a third baby. We had said if September was another failed month, that we would give it a bit of a break. September 15th I took a pregnancy test and got my first faint positive. I couldn’t believe it, so I rushed out the next day and grabbed a digital test… Sure enough, I was pregnant! I estimated my due date to be May 20th 2015. I made my first appointment, and on the 6th of October, I saw my baby for the first time on ultrasound. My estimated date wasn’t matching up with my babies size… So my new due date was the 23rd of May. I had no morning sickness and was feeling great. I was so excited and couldn’t wait for my next appointment. I had my second scan at 12 weeks, and was amazed to see how much my little blob from the first scan had grown…. That little blob actually looked like a baby now! We announced our pregnancy to friends and family that afternoon. Our little girls were so excited to be getting a new sibling. I booked in for some blood work, and a detailed scan to check for Down syndrome. I went and had the blood tests done, then went and had my big scan. I heard the heartbeat for the first time. The ultrasound showed my babies bladder was a bit big, and this caused concern for my ultrasound tech. Another more experienced doctor came in to review the images. They said my babies bladder was full and not emptying. I was booked in for a follow up appointment in 2 weeks time. I left the hospital devastated… Not really sure what had happened.
I was booked in for an ultrasound on the 8th of December, but I got a call to come in earlier. On the 19th of November…. The day before my birthday, I went in for my 4th ultrasound. My ob sat down and said plain and simple “your blood tests has shown an increased risk for a very rare chromosonal defect” and with that he sent me back to the waiting room. I sat in that room, head spinning, trying to understand what had just happened. 3 more pregnant woman went in, and came out smiling and rubbing their bellies. There I sat, scared, and confused. My ob finally came back out and walked me to the high risk clinic. He whispered a few things to the midwife, handed over my papers and turned to leave. I said “should I make another appointment with you?” His reply was “just see what happens….”
That whole appointment became somewhat of a blur. They booked me a rushed appointment at the high risk clinic to get a more detailed scan. Two days later I walked in, nervous and scared. They out the gel on my belly, and started up the machine. There was my little baby… Waving and wriggling around. Perfection! They checked the bladder, and it looked fine *phew* but then they noticed an issue with the cord. It was very prominent, which was not normal. Bubs was also measuring a bit smaller again. My due date got moved to May 27th. They booked me in for a more in depth scan, and an amniocentesis. I was absolutely terrified! I had to wait until I was 15 weeks pregnant, so we had 3 weeks of sitting around and waiting.
At about 14 weeks I started to feel little flutters… I could feel my baby, and it was amazing, I was growing life.
Our appointment was at a hospital in our capital city, a 4 hour drive away. So the day before our appointment, we dropped our eldest off at her nanas house, and buckled our youngest in to the car. We headed off to my sisters house, half way between home and the appointment hospital. I had been feeling off all day, I had started getting some random mild cramps, so assumed I was getting gastro. I upped my water intake, and took it easy. We got to my sisters house, and tucked my little one in to bed. We all sat around the lounge room chatting and laughing, enjoying our catch up. It got to 10:30pm, and I felt like it was time for bed. I stood up, said good night and went to walk to my room. I suddenly felt a *pop* and a quick leak of fluid. I immediately went and sat on the toilet, where another lot of liquid came out. I went and told my fiancé that I was worried something might be wrong. We called the local hospital, who advised we go in to see them. I got up and started walking up the hallway when I felt another big leak. I ran to the bathroom, locked the door and sat down. I felt more discharge…. I looked down to check the colour… Thinking maybe they might ask what colour it was at the hospital. When I looked down I saw something hanging… I scooped it up and had a quick look. 2 arms, 2 legs, a little head with eyes, ears and a nose. My baby! My whole world came crushing in on me. I couldn’t move, all I could feel was the convulsions of my chest as I struggled to breath through my crying. I somehow managed to jump up and unlock the door for my fiancé. All I could say to him was “I’m sorry” over and over again, I kept one hand cradling my baby in the toilet bowl, and the other arm wrapped around him. My sister called the ambulance who took me to hospital. My placenta hadn’t expelled, so my baby was still attached to me with the cord.
When we got to the hospital, they removed my baby by breaking the cord and flopping the body on to a medical gauze. Then they put my baby in a blue plastic bag and sat the bag on the floor in the corner of my cubical. A loss before 20 weeks is a miscarriage, so they treated my baby like waste. My baby was 15 weeks, and I held my baby in my hand, I saw little fingers, and toes, eyes, ears and a nose. My baby fit perfectly in the palm of my hand.
I spent the night in hospital where they removed the placenta, and sent it, along with my baby off for further tests. The next morning we were handed a pregnancy loss bag, and sent on our way. I entered the hospital with a baby and left with a teddy.
For the next 6 weeks we somehow managed to get on with life. I bled, I made milk, I cried. The doctors called it a miscarriage, my body knew it was a birth. 6 weeks after the loss, I had a follow up appointment. They had the test results from my baby. The test results confirmed my baby had the chromosonal defect known as Trisomy 18 (Edwards syndrome) it also told us we had a son. My baby was a boy! We named him Theodore. Theodore means “Gods gift” and he surely was a gift.
The doctors said I miscarried a fetus…. But it was so much more than that. I gave birth to my son… My baby…

Posted anonymously, 13th April 2015

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