I am a 32yr old mum of 2. Our daughter is 8 & our son is 16mths. I fell pregnant earlier in the year but unfortunately had a miscarriage between 4-5wks. I was lucky in a way that I had no pain, just bleeding & was able to pass it all naturally but in hindsight it took nearly 3wks so should have opted for a d&c. It took a good while before I felt the time was right to start trying again & it took even longer to get hubby on board. He felt in a way that we had the loss for a reason & maybe we were tempting fate & should be happy with our 2. I absolutely adore our 2 children but in my heart I feel like I am supposed to have 3 kids. So as you can imagine we were completely elated to find out we were expecting again. We were trying not to get too excited too early as it was so fresh what can be taken away. From the beginning I had low hcg levels however the doctor was confident they were doubling so she told me not to worry about the number. They did however pick up that I was showing an over active thyroid but that evened out a 2wk period seemed so I was back in the normal range not requiring any further action but they said they would keep an eye on it. I had an early scan at what should have been 6wks going by my dates, that then cut back to 5wk 2days going by the measurements. The sonographer was confident everything was in the right position & that I had a closed cervix, he did mention it was too early to see a heartbeat so recommended I come back in 2wks. Well that date was yesterday, I went in at what should have been 7wks 2days. They started the ultrasound & then my world came crashing down again. The sonographer told us that there had been no changes in growth in the 2wk period & that I was still showing 5wks 2days, she was unable to find a heartbeat. She suggested going to the GP urgently to discuss. I then had my GP refer me to the hospital early pregnancy clinic which I also attended yesterday. I spoke to the doctor & explained that if this baby has gone I would like a D&C this time as it is too upsetting to let it go on for weeks, she agreed. She did however speak to a specialist that looked over both the ultrasound reports & decided that there had actually been a sml growth, not normal but a growth that it would be wise to wait until next week to make a decision. They have booked bloods & an ultrasound for next week, so unless I start bleeding before then I have a week to live in the unknown again. There is a very slight chance that everything is ok & its just a slow starting pregnancy however they have told me to prepare for the worst. I am so upset I feel broken. I really felt this pregnancy was going to be fine, I even had heartburn earlier this week. I know this is out of my hands & that many women have miscarriages & then go on to have healthy pregnancies but at the moment I don’t know what to do. If this is in fact another loss how do you move forward & prepare yourself in time for another try? Do I give up on my dream for a 3rd child? The heartache I feel is unbearable & even though hubby is going through it too I feel so alone. All I keep thinking is why has it happened to us again, we are good, kind people & 1 miscarriage is hard enough on anyone, 2 is just cruel. I know some mums reading will have possibly had more than 2 miscarriages & I am so sorry if you have. I am hoping by writing this it will help with some healing & maybe a way to help me cope.
Posted by melmul, 23rd October 2013
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