I think I want to share this just to get it down in writing to be honest. I am a mum of two beautiful girls whom I adore most of the time.
I often feel the mum Guilt and struggle to switch off my brain like most mums I know or have had the pleasure of Meeting in my short 4 years as a mum. I have met so many amazing women (some men also), I used to visit five different playgroups pr programs a week just so I was never alone in this parenting lark, people say Wow how are you so organized??? I’m not I just know my children are saver in public than at home driving me insane and luring me into fights I know I’ll never win lol
I want Mums to know that its ok to struggle, not cope and to feel like the worst Mum in the world all at the same time, at least acknowledging that your not coping or that today you sucked at this job means you actually care about the Job.
My Mums Years are quite interesting:
Febuary 2011 i found out i was pregnant
May 2011 I was in seeing mental health workers because I had Pre-natal Depression, It was quite severe.
June 2011 I start seeing a weekly councillor and also a psychiatrist who put me on anti depressents as this was safer than suicide.
October 2011 my Beautiful girl was born, she was amazing, I found Love like I’ve never experienced it before in my life.
We actually did well the meds kept me sane and she was Ok as babies go.
April 2012 I did a “circle of security group’ it was fantastic, I also started getting individual therapy with bub for bonding and Parenting techniques, as I never trusted my own judgement etc.
Did lots of programs, playgroups, gardening groups, cooking groups and life was sweet,
May 2013 i fell pregnant with number two, and things just started going downhill rapidly, I went from being full of energy to being an emotional tired lump, I could barely move from the couch most days, I stopped alot of the groups and found myself constantly tired etc, Turnt out that the daily antihistamine recommended to me was a drowsy one- i found this out at eight months pregnant so you can imagine the parental guilt there that I felt my daughter missed out on alot of my time.i also found out that I had Gestational Diabieties at 7 months pregnat, and then after the fun of all that I went to the hospital for a routine checkup at 37 weeks (i believed it was 36 weeks) I was told I had high blood pressure and I was then given 36 hours notice for an induction. I had Bub in February and She wasnt well she was in NICU only a day and in special care unit for a week, I thought she was going to die so I shut her out of my heart. I didn’t really understand this until I broke down one day on a lady at a creche who referred me to a Post natal Depression group. and then I spoke about all my thoughts and feeling and omg I really feared my daughters death, she had silent reflux and gave us all a nasty scare one day I rushed her next door to the doctors as she was listless and the nurse called an ambulance thinking my daughter wasn’t breathing, after about 5 episodes like this it was finally decided she had reflux – Larygospasms. she scared me enough to push her out of my heart a little more. I ended up doing a stint in a mother Baby hospital for mental illness and staying 3 weeks, I was so happy to be around people who get me I could have stayed forever.
I have since revisited Circle of security twice, I have done Cognitive behavioural Therapy and Schema Therapy, im still doing a Dialetical Thinking Borderline personality Therapy and Schema mixed in with CBT, Revisiting circle of security and PTSD for my childhood.
My children are both doing great, they both know mums a bit crazy sometimes and yells more than she would like to also they love all the workers and support that we receive, they thrive in knowing a wider community of people.
The Moral of this story is I guess “that we should never give up trying to be a better version of ourselves” as we all have something to give and learn in our lives especially with our children.
I will never stop trying to make myself better and calmer so even Four years later I’m better, stronger but still not who I want to be for my children.
Thank you and remember Mums you are all doing a fantastic job.
Posted anonymously, 11th September 2015