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I am a stay at home to two beautiful boys, Cooper (4 years) and Logan(5 months)

My first pregnancy was stress free and everything went well. I delivered naturally after being induced and fell inlove with my first born son. Motherhood was perfect and magical, i loved every minute. Then 2012 saw me fall pregnant to our second child, another baby boy was on the way ! I was happy and very much looking forward to expanding my family. There were no complications through my pregnancy either, however, emotionally i started doubting myself. Towards the end of the pregnancy i started feeling as though i was being unfair to Cooper and wondered how on earth i would share my love i had for him and my time. friends i spoke to never understood me and how i felt which only added to my guilt. There was never second that I did not love the son i was carrying, i was just so overwhelmed and unsure. Now this is coming from someone who wanted 6 kids so having another child was not meant to “scare” me. I dealt with my emotions by confiding in the only person who held no judgment, my husband.

Then the contractions started one night which saw us make the trip to hospital, here I was thinking they would just send me home and tell me to “wait it out”. Upon the dr’s examination it was then they discovered my darling son had done a 360 turn and was not only breech, but my placenta was blocking my cervix

AND i was already 6 cms dilated. I burst into tears, the one thing i feared was a c section delivery and now all of a sudden im signing forms and being prepped for surgery. My husband is whisked away to “gown up” and i am left without my rock. I was scared being told they need to ensure my baby is delivered before my waters break and i deliver placenta first.

The theatre room was one i was not familiar with as I have not had any surgery since i was 3, so i was in unfamiliar waters here. The spinal block given to me caused my blood pressure to drop and i lost consciousness on the table. i remember waking to dr’s and nurses calling my name, looking around for my husband to no avail. I could hear the medical team saying he wasnt coming in until i was stabilised and at the point i just breathed slowly and waited.

Hubby was soon enough at my head and bub was born not long after, his cries gurlged and i never got a chance to see him, touch him, hold him which was so foreign to me, I was told he was in respiratory distress and he left with my husband so i was alone again.

5 hours later when i was finally wheeled down to meet my son, my world changed. I knew i should love him, and i did but it was different to my first. I felt this numbness. Days later as i recovered i tried to explore my feelings, putting it down to the c section etc but the truth was i was having trouble bonding with my son. My husband did all the feeds, nappy changes, baths etc because i just switched off and checked out. I cried lots and felt like a failure. it took me 2 months to break down and be honest with my husband that i was feeling depressed. it was scary and a time in my life i felt incredible guilt. I didn’t turn to anyone else as i did not want to be judged or have eyes look down on me. i didn’t ask to feel this way. i remember moments i would lay with him in my arms and wonder when my feelings would change, scared i would feel like this forever. Well i can say now, my baby boy Logan is 5 months old and I am in a completely different place. I am content and loving being a mummy to my two boys. I now feel incredibly connected to Logan and sometimes i feel robbed by those emotions that took over me, that i missed out on the first 4 months of his life. But at least i am now in a good place. I owe it all to my husband, who took 2 months of the 4 off work to be my rock and be there for the kids. he is my everything and never judged me once. I am thankful every day for him. I wish mums like me weren’t judged as much, that help was not considered taboo, bit like choosing to bottle feed over breast feed. I am a good mum, happy marriage and PND happened to me. I just hope anyone else suffering has someone like I did. Because support makes the world of difference

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Posted by Kylie Smith, 5th April 2013