This is a loaded topic I know, but let’s admit it there are many couples that don’t have sex for a very long time. I personally and professionally know a few.
Some of them couldn’t be bothered but others are truly worried. They are concerned about:
- Whether they will ever resume their sex life.
- Staying together forever without sex.
- Love Affair.
And they should be:
If you ask any marriage therapist they will say that majority of couples get divorced not due to lack of love, they get divorced due to lack of satisfying physical intimacy or SEX.
Now that I have your attention I know what you are thinking:
What is a safe period of time to live without sex when you are in a committed relationship?
For some it can be months for others years.
There is no single answer; every couple is different driven by personal values, rules and beliefs. Humans go through different life stages, pregnancy, babies, work stresses, bereavements, menopause etc… Relationships with strong commitment, deep love and compelling mutual vision have higher chances to survive the dry periods.
However no matter what are your circumstances complacency should be AVOIDED.
What differentiates an INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP from a regular RELATIONSHIP? You’ve got it, it’s INTIMACY, without it you are just friends, flat mates, business partners.
So here are six fundamental steps you can follow to turn things around and return to satisfying sex life.
1) Start the conversation
Discuss sex concerns with each other gently, lovingly with compassion and empathy.
Express your hopes, wishes and desires for a healthy sex life. Reminiscent the good old days when you couldn’t get enough of each other. Revive those sexy memories. Start fantasizing, activate your brain.
Avoid: accusation, blaming or finger pointing. Both of you are stuck in a rut, to start having sex with each other you have to work as a team.
2) Introduce physical touch
I suggest playing it safe: massage, foot rub, head rub. Get used to touching each other in a safe way WITHOUT the expectations for going all the way. Remember how pleasant if feels to receive, give and share physical touch. Do it regularly at least twice a week. You can progress to bare skin massage; this is very relaxing and bond inducing.
Learn to relax touching each other instead of getting stressed that: Your partner will probably want sex and you are not ready. They will get angry and disappointed; you start feeling that you are not good enough.
Talk to each other, say what feels good, point out what doesn’t feel good, and gently suggest improvements. “If you massage me this way it will feel really good”, “make it softer”, “make it stronger”
3) Making out
Yes just as when you started dating. Kissing, touching, grabbing, exploring. Remember to relax and enjoy the process. Both of you should get on board by keeping a steady flow of verbal communication.
Have fun with making out, be silly, funny, curious. You can have long kissing sessions before you fall asleep, or when you relax after putting children to bed. Keep it light and expectation free. Enjoy.
At the beginning you probably should ask for permission, but as you get more comfortable get more spontaneous, teasing and seducing.
One important tip: improve your personal hygiene. Remember you want to create a pleasant experience that both of you will want to repeat.
As you enjoy your physical connection more it is time to become more daring. Start flirting with your partner. You can do it when you go out for dinner, or while he is cleaning the kitchen. Compliment, look them in the eyes, say how handsome/beautiful/sexy they look, grab, kiss, touch, smile, wink, whisper in their ear something pleasant. Enjoy the process.
5) Plan the big day
Make it special, romantic, enchanting and fun. After all it is very special it is the beginning of a sexy love affair between the two of you.
Talk to each other, express hopes, concerns and worries. Plan a romantic dinner, pamper yourself, rest, dress fancy, shower. Light candles, play romantic music. Take it easy and slow. Enjoy the process. You’ve spent several weeks experimenting with touches, kisses and massages you should feel safe.
It is very normal to get a little bit stressed after all you haven’t done it for a while. Focus on your partner, on giving them pleasure, expressing your love, tenderness and making them feel good. This will take you attention off yourself. Focus on giving.
Yes you should celebrate your physical reunion. Both of you stepped up, showed courage, love and commitment to your relationship. You didn’t give up, didn’t compromise on boring sexless life, you didn’t file for a divorce. You broke through your comfort zone, you expressed your hopes and desires and you went for it. Now you arrived, together. Excellent work.
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