Amazing how common this is.
I dont think you are wrong and children do also have to learn that parties are not an excuse to get a gift from everyone. Children need to be taught not to expect gifts from people. You invite someone because you want to share time with them.

Same boat!
My child was the first on my partners side. My SIL never gifted anything to our child until she had her own 2.5 years later when my MIL said we needed to gift exchange. We didn’t have a problem with that, until my SIL expected us to be gifting her child things like dolls houses, cubby houses and bikes meanwhile she gifted our child a single colouring in book.
We had another child and my SIL told my MIL she refuses to buy for our 2 children because it’s not fair that we only need to buy for her child.
I told my MIL that was fine, we are happy to not gift exchange anymore.
My MIL was FURIOUS with me. She said “it’s too expensive to be buying for two children, it’s not fair that one child has to miss out because you decided to have another baby”. Our children didn’t get anything, so we gifted a single book. My MIL and SIL spoke openly in front of me how pathetic the gift was. My eldest (who was 5 at the time) responded to her grandmothers arrogance by saying “thats ungrateful behaviour, we (both my children) didn’t even get anything and we aren’t sooking about it”. MIL and SIL haven’t brought it up again.. but there will always be time won’t there.
I will not be buying them a gift again though that’s for sure.

Think how you felt and maybe your children felt about not being acknowledged by not getting presents. You didn’t like it. It hurt you and your kids and you felt brother and SIL did the wrong thing. You have now done the same wrong thing that you didn’t like. What are you teaching your children?
As they say 2 wrongs don’t make a right.

Birthdays should not be based on gift giving. Do not feel bad. There should be no set expectation of giving gifts, it takes away the proper feeling and meaning in my opinion. Appreciation for a childs birthday can be shown in other ways, especially just by being there. In todays economy it can too hard financially to have to find funds constantly for gifts…especially for the never ending invites to school birthday parties when you have more than one child. I understand its family, but that child just wants you to be there for them and to show up and be interested in them. Build that relationship properly!

I can definitely understand the sentiment, but it is mean of her to take it out on the kids. They are probably unaware of what is going on the in the background and are wondering why their aunty hasn’t given them something. They will think they have done something wrong. She needs to take the parents aside and have a heart to heart with them instead.

I understand why she did it, I’ve had the same issue with presents, personally I still give a present as I see it as a nice thing to do and not stoop to their level. One of my brother in laws does the same thing to my kid and us but when it’s my brother in laws birthday we still give him a gift and when he does have kids we’ll give to them too.

Definately shouldn’t take it out on the kids you would’ve been better off approaching the parents with an agreement that maybe it’s time to stop giving each others kids presents

You’ll be judged by some either way, but I understand why you’ve stopped the one-way gifting. Your brother and SIL have no right to feel disgruntled, and your parents should be making no comment at all. There are plenty of occasions where cousins can spend time together without gifting being part of the get together, so maybe these could be a focus for the in-laws and your brother and parents. That way, all the children can learn that getting together is not just about getting something.

I feel the same way about it as you do. You don’t have to buy them a big gift but you could just give them a card with $5 or $10 in it. Also let your brother and sister in law know that you don’t have the money to spend on them while your kids go without. You don’t want to alienate your nephews from their cousins

Instead of giving a gift, you could give a card with ‘promise’ to take the child on an outing (including your own children) so cousins can spend time together (away from parents).

I definitely think that she is in the wrong here. The kids haven’t done anything to her. If she wants to continue having a relationship with them, then she shouldn’t take out her feelings on them. It is their parents who are being bad aunt/uncle to her kids. I am sure that their kids still like seeing their cousins and wouldn’t have understood why their aunty was being mean.

Having had a very similar experience whermy kids were overlooked or given a combined Christmas and birthday present , eg a little golden book to share. (THEY ARE 5 YEARS APART) from2Families ie 2 aunts 2 unclesfamilies I
decided to combin all the kids from both
families into one gift. When challenged I told them that it seemed to be their family tradition and I was just following it.

I have family who don’t give gifts to my kids but I would never not give my Nephews/Nieces gifts.
I do it because I like to do it not because I feel obligated to do it.
Why should the children not receive gifts from us just because their parents choose not to reciprocate.

Be the bigger person!
Their kids will always remember that Aunty A & Uncle B always gave them gifts, where as your kids will always remember how grouchy their Aunty & Unlce were for not giving gifts, Do you want to be remembered as the Lovely/Fun Aunty or the Grouchy one???

Along with my other comments below about not gift giving; we found that is was a big relief for many members of the family to not have to give gifts. We still do get togethers minus an excess of gifts. Relationships are more than gifts and giving; they are about connections.

What is done, is done and I think I would have done the same. If the family was so annoyed their child didn’t get a gift maybe they need to look at the bigger picture and realise they are being petty and don’t make any effort in return so why should she. I would stick to your guns and not let it upset you, well as much as it can. Explain and communicate to them and turn it back on them why they don’t see the need to make any effort effort with her kids, it works both ways. People are so petty and only think of themselves and what they can get out of it sometimes.

I bet a lot of what you’re feeling is actually about your kids – you feel bad for them not being treated as special on their birthday, and as they get older you know they’ll notice and feel the difference, right? So I think you should say that to your family and see what they say.

My sister in law has said she does not want to do gifts for each others kids fkr birthdays or christmas. I have always found this really challenging. Being interstate we dont see each other much. As a kid a lot of my relationship with my aunty’s was around presents. Saying that it cant be one sided either.

I would have given the nephew a gift on this occasion, and afterwards I would have spoken with the brother and sister-in-law and explained that since they were not giving gifts, you would no longer be giving gifts as well. This would hopefully prompt some sort of agreement between the adults.

I recognise some of this mums feelings; giving without receiving never anything in return is not nice. My sisters nieces and nephews live oversees and year in year out I would sent the nieces and nephews and my sisters a card and a gift on their birthdays. My kids and myself never received a gift on their birthdays, although one of my sisters and my mum would sent them and myself a card on our birthdays. I now send just a birthday greeting via WhatsApp to my nieces and nephews and a card and gift just to my sisters. The difference though with this story is that our relationship is not cold. And in this case I would be careful to “punish” the kids for their parents behaviour, they’re innocent

We stopped doing mutual gift giving many years ago because it was extremely inequitable and quite frankly all of the children had enough gifts from their own families. It really is rather unfair to expect gift giving but not act in the same manner and give gifts. We are happy that we made the decision and stood by it.