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We didn’t have our child until later in life, and for many years people have told me I would make a wonderful mum, I’m a natural with kids, or so they said…

Then I had a child of my own!

I’m one of the lucky ones, I have a wonderful and supportive partner, and our child, most of the time, is a joy, but…

Not every day is hunky dory and as perfect as it seems on the outside, or as perfect as those perfect mums with the most perfect kids and constantly perfect Facebook statuses, of which I am definitely NOT one.

I worry about the mums who struggle every day, who aren’t “natural” at motherhood, or who are doing it alone. I worry about the women out there who never wanted children, but by some mean fate, or otherwise, have a child and are hating every minute of it. I worry about the mums suffering from Post Natal Depression or any other type of illness, mental or physical.

Why? Because… (And here comes my confession!) Motherhood is TOUGH! And when you’ve had very minimal sleep, it can be overwhelmingly tougher, so tough that…

I don’t know about the other non-perfect mums out there, but…

I’ve had thoughts of packing a bag and disappearing long into the night on a ghost train, leaving a note of sorrow and self-disappointment, because some nights are just so despairingly hard.

I read a blog recently, that said, “You’ll want to kill them, but don’t”. I didn’t realise just how true that statement would be until the teething process was reignited by the molars.

I don’t want to just kill my child, (although I would never hurt him in reality), I have thoughts of murdering my partner in his sleep. His crime…

Snoring, or breathing loudly, keeping me awake as much as our child, or on some days for just being in existence.

I have never known an internal rage quite like that of motherhood, a rage that fills you with thoughts of putting pillows over the heads of everyone you love, just so you can get a moments peace and quiet, and hopefully some quality sleep!



We try to pretend that motherhood is a perfect joy, a magical moment in life full of love, and for some of us it is, just not all the time. We try to pretend those other times don’t exist, but..

They do!

So who is at fault here? Society? Other parents? Us?

Why is it mums have this incessant need to pretend everything is OK, and that they love EVERY single moment of motherhood.

Is this dangerous? Does it make the struggling mums, feel like they have no-one to turn to, bottle up feelings of failure and frustration? And for those mums really struggling, is this the cause of self-harm or child abuse?

The self fulfilling prophecy of, “I am a bad mother”, “I am the only one that feels this way”…

Are we letting these mums down by pretending motherhood is a beautiful moment, that fills you with so much love, your heart could burst.

But then..

Love hurts too, doesn’t it?

It hurts when you have had no more than 4-6 hours sleep in the last 4 days, it hurts when your child is so frustrated they don’t know how to communicate other than scream for hours, it hurts when you are at your wits-end in trying to work out why they are screaming and having a tantrum, it hurts to feel so helpless.

Motherhood can be one of the most beautiful experiences a woman can have, but it can also be one of the worst nightmares. Even more so when everyone around you seems to have the perfect child that sleeps all night.

Well our child was one of those until he got sick and we spent weeks in and out of hospital with each test coming back negative. Then we went overseas and he cut 4 teeth in 4 weeks and was awake every 30 – 45 minutes or so drinking 4 – 5 bottles of milk every night. I guess he needed the calcium?!

Six months have passed since our return home, and he still hasn’t found his groove back to sleeping through, bar the odd occasion, so most nights I am up anywhere from 2 – 8 times.

Everyone around you seems to become a specialist in sleep training and you get advice from all corners of the earth telling you what you need to do, but none of them are walking in your shoes.

There are the sleep school advocates and the ‘cry it out’ fans, mothers that tell you about how perfect their child has been since they hired a sleep trainer. One mother even told me how she used to let her child cry until they threw up and she encouraged it because they soon stopped after that; then she used to tie string to the door handle and another handle nearby so the child could open the door, but not wide enough to escape, apparently they soon stopped head butting the door after that too.

I’m sorry but I’m not that mum…

Yes, I have days where I am so tired I am the one that wants to throw up, or could walk around with a whole packet of tissues stuffed into my cleavage because I am so emotional and teary, or want to curl up on the couch and do nothing thanks to a pounding and foggy head. But…

I know that this too shall pass and one day he will sleep and I will regain my ability to  unwind at night and fall into a deep, deep sleep.

After all, at the end of the day, when it all becomes too much, I can walk out of the room, the house, go for a drive, get some air, but he is trapped inside a toddler’s body with limited verbal skills.

My child deserves not to be shaken or thrown, no matter how much I want to throw him up against a brick wall some nights, he deserves to be loved, he deserves a mum that can treat him gently and keep him safe.

There are the night where he cuddles up tight and looks into my eyes and smiles and my heart melts for him; then all those other nights fade away.

Yes my neck is out and shoulder hurts from twisting and lying in impossible positions just so he can be comfortable when he wants to wrap himself around me, because, truth be told, I love the closeness, the cuddle and love he emits during those moments.

Instead of beating myself up for being the mum that is a failure for having a child that doesn’t sleep through the night, I congratulate myself for allowing the family to survive another day.

I haven’t given him away to a stranger when he has had a tantrum in the street, I’ve kept him safe and loved him despite his best efforts to beat me up or destroy my soul.

Motherhood is tough, parenting is tough and if more people admitted how hard it can be some days, maybe some mothers wouldn’t be quite so set up for failure.

I might be exhausted beyond anything I have ever experienced before, but I am focusing on every smile, every sweet sounding giggle, every hug, every kiss and every act of pure love that my child has, because…

One day he will be a man and have his own life and I will miss the sound of his laughter, the smell of his skin when he is holding me tight, the brushes of his lips and slobbery kisses; even when I am gone I want him to know, I loved him the best way I knew how.

Make sure you surround yourself with those that love you for who you are inside and out, friends or family, for your journey ahead will be bumpy and you need to know exactly where your support networks lie.

How do you cope with sleep deprivation?

Image courtesy of Shutterstock.com
  • I remember when our twins were born, and we couldn’t get them to sleep at the same time. One would drop off and the other would wake up, and it continued for months. I got migraines from the sleep deprivation. But we slogged through, and got to the other side, and we wouldn’t change them for the world.

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  • it s great

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  • I am going through sleep deprivation now……..all I do is cry every time someone asks me a question! Kicked hubby to the spare room, so he can snore all he want! But as you said every time my 7 month old smile at me I forget all about sleep deprivation! “Won’t last long” that’s what I tell myself. Great read thanks for sharing!

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  • Great honest storey. Thank you for sharing.

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  • I always tell to be mums about the second guessing yourself because I remember how reassured I felt when someone told me how hard they found their first. Everything seems so much hard when you are sleep deprived.

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  • Sounds so true, lol.

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  • Thank you so much for your honest story of how it really is. I really had no idea what it took to be a parent before I had kids….some days i was just happy to have had a shower and gotten dressed! It is damn hard gig, but so incredibly worth it!

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  • Thank you xx <3

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  • I had to just suck it up and move on. Ex husband refused to help (is why he is now an ex) but have had to raise 4 children on my own because of it.

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  • Yep I’m a not so perfect mum, yet things look pretty good from the outside. I particularly relate to a child who doesn’t sleep and everyone else being a sleep expert! Anxiety is also magnified when children come along. I’m also tryub to change my standards of success… We too have survived another day!

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  • Thank you Vicky for your honest account of what it is like to be a mother – the hardest and best job of all. I can relate to some of what you described, having a child really takes a beat to your mental health and sanity. Sleep deprivation is one of the biggest pains in the butt, not helped for me that I have a medical condition. When possible it helps to nap when the little one is napping. We took our little one to sleep school and that helped us also.

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  • Im too tired to read all this so I’m tagging it for later, but sleep Deprivation is Killing my brain cells. I cannot even explain the amount of mistakes, forgotten things I have acchieved in the last 14 months. I will say however that no one knows what tired really is until they have a child or four.

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  • Sleep deprivation is awful, perhaps underated in some corners. Once you become a parent, you realise how awful it is.

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  • I often have sleepless nights. Being a Mum to 5 children & having a snoring partner but I love them and would be completely lost without them all !!
    This is a photo of my youngest little darling Leeanne 🙂

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  • Very true to life! Sleep deprivation does drive the best of us mad…. My best motherhood moments were the baby sandwiched between us, fast asleep and my husband sleeping on his side!

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  • Beautifully written, and oh so true! You’re certainly not alone!! Motherhood is one of those crazy things that you love and hate at the same time! The utter exhaustion is under rated and I know I turn into a horrid person when woken in the night multiple times. Sometimes I swear my child is torturing me on purpose!! But as you said, this time will pass, soon enough we’ll be dragging them out of bed (hard to imagine), and they won’t want to cuddle us anymore. May we find strength in each others’ experiences and honesty.

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  • My partner is a snorer which can be very annoying.
    When u have 5 kids that u have to tend to during the day ……. some days can be very difficult when u have sleepless nights 🙁

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  • It’s definitely a tough gig and I reckon most mums will have experienced at least something of what you’ve described. I think you said it yourself when you wrote that “this too shall pass”. Make it your mantra in those moments that are the toughest. Those moments will still be tough but I have found it to be a calming notion which then allows me to respond to my child as the parent that I want to be, not the irritable one that I sometimes am.

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  • Gosh you have heaps of qualifications, I would have thought that infant massage and aromatherapy would help greatly with sleep.
    Anyhow wishing you all well and all I can say is, the children will grow and sleep will return to normal or near to…and then down the track in years to come like me now you may well go through menopause and have interrupted sleep again, oh the joys of visiting the loo a few times through the night.
    Sending love and strength your way. 🙂


    • I learnt infant massage and tried to use aromatherapy with my girls. They both hated it. They wouldn’t stay still and it made things worse. It’s not always a guarantee that you will have a lovely sleeper. It does help a lot of children but not all of them.

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  • I’m one of those mums who had my children later in life. The woman who was always told she would be a natural. I have two children with sleep issues. We tried sleep school for the first. It was great for a month. And then it got worse, so much worse. My now 3.5 year old has so many anxiety issues and is much harder to get to sleep than the little one. Going to sleep school was my biggest regret. Whilst the little one is not a great sleeper she is so much easier than my first. I think this is because I let my instinct take over. I know that one day I will sleep again but for the time being it is tough, really, really tough. And most people I turn to for help seem to think that my child is naughty because they can’t sleep, or that I should just let them cry. So it’s really hard. We need to stop pretending that babies and little ones SHOULD sleep through the night. This is the exception, not the rule.

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