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Article Helping your children manage their emotions

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When it comes to helping our children learn to read, write and count, we expect it to be a gradual process.

We know it takes time, instruction, lots of practice, trial and error and feedback for children to learn and grow and develop these skills. They learn academic skills at school, sometimes outside school with tutoring and at home with homework.

When it comes to helping our kids manage their emotions, how much time, instruction, practice, trial and error and feedback do we offer our children to learn about what emotions are; and most importantly how to manage them? Do they learn it at school? Do we send them for tuition like we do for maths? Do we help them at home? If not, where can our kids get the knowledge and skills they need to successfully navigate their emotions?

Teaching emotional intelligence is more then just helping kids to calm down when they are angry or comforting them when they are sad.

“How much time do you spend teaching your kids about managing their emotions as opposed to managing their emotions for them?”

Here is a short video on helping kids manage their emotions which was part of a presentation I gave at the University of Sydney about helping kids develop life skills.

When I was growing up I received no instruction at all about how to manage my many emotions. Sure I got a cuddle to comfort me if I was sad, and was told to calm down if I was angry, but no-one really explained or helped me with the:

  • Anger and injustice I felt my parents said “No you can’t go to the party” and everyone else would be there.
  • Loss and grief I felt when my grandfather died.
  • Jealousy I felt when my younger siblings were allowed to do so many things I wasn’t allowed to do at their age.
  • Remorse I felt when I did the wrong thing and my parents were disappointed in me.

It wasn’t anyone’s fault, my parents had no instruction on how to manage their emotions so how could they help me? I know they did their best, but as they didn’t have emotional intelligence, that meant, unfortunately, I couldn’t rely on them as good role models for my emotional development.

My memories of growing up are that my dad was quick to anger and would yell at us. My mum was completely different. She managed her anger by withdrawing and not speaking. We had two completely different role models and I didn’t like my dad losing his temper and I didn’t like my mum withdrawing.

Emotional intelligence is learned, through instruction and practice just like reading, writing and counting.

So when I became a mum, I was determined to find out from someone who knew how to help kids understand and manage their emotions in a healthy way, so I could help our son Cameron manage his emotions.

I found Dr Joe Dispenza’s work really practical and effective. I’ve used and continue to draw on his ideas in our home and they work really well.

Dr Joe explains how we can help our children develop emotional intelligence by helping them to name their emotions, understand how they feel in their body, to practice ‘flexibility’ with their emotions and to manage them effectively with fun exercises that children can start learning from a really young age.

For example, with his own three children, Dr Joe would take the time to help his children use their imagination to arouse different emotions – all kinds – from joy to anger to show his kids how, by thoughts and imagination alone, they can switch from one emotional state to another. Practising this allowed his children to become very familiar with their emotions and very flexible.

Emotional flexibility is important as it gives kids a pathway out of anger or jealously to joy and happiness by working with their breath and remembering a really joyful experience.

If you’d like to know more about the different exercises you can try, see the book Inspired Children: how the leading minds of today raise their kids. It’s available in ebook or print. In this book parents get the latest information about raising emotionally, physically and psychologically healthy kids from pre-conception to teen years, written by experts from around the globe. The key for me is that it’s not just a “theory” or “how to” book, the experts talk about how they used their knowledge to raise their own kids. It’s very practical with loads of ideas.

“Learning how to manage my emotions means I can be a good role model for our son”

I have to say, my aim in researching emotional intelligence was to help me be a better mother to Cameron, but what I’ve learned from Dr Joe’s work has really helped me to take responsibility for, and to manage my own emotions! This way I am more emotionally intelligent and I can help Cameron learn the skills too. Win/Win and of course more peace in our home!

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Comments

  • I struggle with emotional intelligence myself. Having Borderline Personality Disorder means I experience my emotions in the extreme. I definitely need to help my son better understand his emotions as I am certainly not much of a role model.

    Reply

  • What an interesting article. Emotional intelligence is such an important ability to learn!

    Reply

  • yes all great tips DR Rosina. cheers

    Reply

  • One of the harest things I find is having 2 children with large age gaps doing the same unacceptable behaviour. Having to talk to each one saparately at their individual level.
    One is upset because he/she has been talked to (told off in their views) before the other one.

    Reply

  • I try and be intune with my kids feelings and moods, which isn’t easy because no children are the same but it does benefit me and them in the long run. They know i am mum and the rule maker etc but they also know that I am always be their for them and they can talk to me about their feelings, emotions and problems which I think is really important and beneficial to me and them as a family.

    Reply

  • Wonderful advice, especially helping children recognise their own emotions

    Reply

  • This is great advice. My 7 year old son has trouble expressing himself when he gets angry and frustrated!

    • Makes sense – emotional intelligence – like any other skill is learned over time and through experience and practice. Best wishes with it

    Reply

  • I need to help my girls understand how to manage their emotions especially my 6 yr old who us autistic.. Rather than saying that’s naughty or go to your room get along side them and understand how they feel.

    • Yes, empathy and role modelling calm, go a long way to help children learn about their emotions and how to manage them. Thanks for your comment

    Reply

  • This is such perfect timing for me, my son is facing challenges at school and your explanation of Emotional intelligence is so clear! Thankyou! I am looking for the book and any talks you may have in Sydney, for myself and my school.

    Reply

  • need to find the book, thanks for sharing

    • You can find it on Amazon, Sydney Uni Press, Google books and i books. Hope that helps. Thanks for your interest.

    Reply

  • Thank you for raising this important issue.

    Reply

  • Its so true. I was never taught about emotions except that the.negative ones were not acceptable so i internqlised them. i find im not helping my sons coz i just dont know. im gunna have to learn it real fast. they growing up. thank you.fornpointing this out and directing in the right way to go. xox

    • I understand, be gentle on yourself… you can learn and then teach your children…. what a beautiful process. We only have to be one step ahead of them to support them. Best wishes to you

    Reply

  • GREAT article and video clip, I found it very interesting and helpful..thanks for sharing.

    Reply

  • Such a great article on Emotional management! best i have read so far

    Reply

  • This is the best written most relevant article to date. Thanks so much this has helped me with some ‘emotion’ related issues at home!

    • Thank you so much for you’re positive comments about the article – I appreciate it. I am so glad you liked it. Perhaps you’d like to take a look at my blog the link is above … I have lots of articles on self esteem, managing emotions and other kid related issues

    Reply

  • a good read, my daughter is more sensitive than my other two kids. i know they are too but she is just much more demanding and emotional. thanks for sharing

    • You’re right all kids are different – even in the same family – it as like that in our home when I was growing up. The great thing about emotional intelligence is that everyone can learn it and get better at it with practice and patience.

    Reply

  • Fantastic reading, will be showing this to few friends for sure

    • Thank you so much for sharing this with your friends. I am so glad it was helpful.

    Reply

  • Teaching ourselves to be calm while we deal with over reacting children. The joys of parenthood, what works for one doesn’t work for the other. Do the best you can and remember to breathe.

    • Great advice! Isn’t it wonderful that a simple thing like remembering to breathe or to feel our feet on the floor and be present can turn a potentially volatile situation into one that’s dealt with calmly and without regrets. Thanks for your comment

    Reply

  • I think I lot is taught be example.
    I remember watching a Mum one day slap her son who then turned around a slapped her so she yelled at him “Dont you dare hit me”….he yelled back “Then you dont hit me”….
    He then got into trouble for being rude.
    Why was it rude for him to behave just like his Mother but yet his Mother did not considre her own behavior to be rude??

    • What a powerful story, everyone can learn a big lesson from. Thanks for sharing it. I am going to use it in my talks. Being a good role model and giving the respect we want for our kids are invaluable for helping our kids learn how to be in the world. Great points you make

    Reply

  • Interesting tea did be interested in reading his book as it sounds amazing ..

    Reply
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