Hello!

We’re often faced with parenting challenges when our kids start spending time with other families. Different families mean different rules and different parenting styles. So what do you do when parenting styles collide?

One mum is grappling with this exact situation. She has a good friend who has a much more relaxed parenting style than her own, and it’s impacting on her child.

“She’s very relaxed and blasé about things,” she explained. “Some may say she’s a lazy mother (my husband does). She is 10 years older than me with two children. One, 12, the same age as my son and the other is 18. My son and her son are very good friends, often spending days at each of our houses or having sleepovers.

“But I don’t agree with her parenting choices and I feel the effects they have on her children are also wearing on mine.”

The mum-of-two goes into some detail about the difference in their parenting styles, from supervision to screen time and bedtimes.

Here’s what she says:

Example 1: She often leaves her son home alone for hours (for the past several years, not just since he’s been 12). Sometimes her eldest is home upstairs on the third floor, but never makes an appearance or spends time with the youngest to make sure he’s ok. There have been numerous times when we have allowed our son to go to their house to play and the children were left home alone and we only found out about it after the fact.

Example 2: There is no regulation / monitoring of screens, iPads, phones, etc. The child has free reign to play whatever video games he wants for pretty much however long he wants. My son goes over to play and they spend the entire time on screens. My son knows he shouldn’t be watching certain movies / tv programmes (he has quite bad anxiety) but often reports back to us saying how his friend has watched the whole series of Squid Games when it first came out and most recently watched the Jeffrey Dahmer serial killer mini-series on Netflix. Both very gruesome and graphic. It makes me wonder what else he’s watching!

Example 3: There’s no enforcement of bedtimes. My son is in bed usually about 8:30, but sometimes at 9-10pm or later. My son’s phone, which stays downstairs, starts ringing with his friend calling or buzzing with late night messages. He’s clearly not sleeping and is allowed to have the phone in the bedroom with him. In the summer our boys had a sleepover at her house and my son came home exhausted. It turns out that she tucked them in at 11:30 and went off to bed and slept solid the whole night while they stayed up on their phones and iPads until 3:30am!!! She got up and went to work the next morning and left cereal out for them when they woke up.

Example 4: She lets him come and go from the house when he likes. I was surprised to learn that at 8-9pm he was leaving the house to ride / walk down a busy road about 10 mins away from home to go to the corner shop to get things.

Example 5: She always wants to do activities that require as little involvement from her as possible. Things like indoor / outdoor climbing which I view as a treat for my boy because it’s often upwards of $40 per session. And that allows her to just sit there and have a coffee.

The mum says that her friend is far more relaxed about everything, even when she’s gently raised the subject with her.

“When she told me about the sleepover I was quite shocked because she was just so la dee da about the whole thing. When I said something along the lines of, ‘Oh gosh that’s so late to be up gaming’, she kind of laughed and said that maybe she should have checked to see if they had screens with them. Then she brushed it off by saying oh but that’s what being a kid and having sleepovers is all about.

“I love her as a friend, our boys are great friends, but I don’t agree with the way she just leaves her children to basically parent themselves. How do I approach this without offending her or ruining our friendship?”

Let us know how you would approach this situation in the comments below. 

  • It is none of your business really – everyone has their own parenting styles

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  • So hard! I’m always, their house, their roles. However, anything that affects the safety of your child should be addressed.

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  • Let’s just respect each others, we are all different so our parenting styles are going to be different… !

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  • Your friends parenting style is her business, when you feel it negatively impacts your child you could discontinue sleepovers at her house

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  • I probably wouldn’t involve myself in how she raises her kids (although I agree that a lot of this I wouldn’t be comfortable with). However, where it impacts on my kids’ safety, I’d have to. I suggest she request that the kids not be left without an adult if her child is there (send him home if the mum really has to go out and leave the kids alone) and ask her to police what they’re watching more closely – phrase it as being concerned for your childs’ anxiety. Some of the rest I’d just let go. A late night, or an activity without parental involvement, isn’t going to do your child much harm.

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  • I remember being 12 and having some nights staying up late – we’ve all had those moments in life and those are usually the greatest memories we have to look back on. I think if its an issue you could explain your side and communicate

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  • Not much you can say directly to her. Her kid her rules.. etc maybe when you talk to your child explain why you do things differently. Perhaps when your children want to play, you play at your house and you can explain to that child that at your house you do things under your rules. For example bed time restrictions.

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  • I wouldn’t raise it with her, but I would limit sleepovers etc. That’s when I would let her know that you really don’t want them left at home alone etc.

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  • I’ll be very worried about leaving my boys unsupervised and watching Netflix without parental guidance. Those shows that you mentioned are for adults and not suitable for kids. You need to talk with your friend about it as parents.

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  • It’s a bit of a difficult situation. I dont think you can change anything. Their house, their parenting and their rules. She may think that you are too strict but thats the way your family operates. I always get that I am too strict as well, and as my children have grown up, I find that I get compared to so and so ‘s parenting and how cool they are that they allow their children to go here and do this by themselves. I tell my kids that whatever I do it is always from pure love and concern.

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  • You cant. We are all different and we all raise our children in different ways.
    I agree with your friend that sleep overs are special and kids should be allowed to stay up later and do things that normally they wouldnt. I think you just have to understand that your son is going to be exhausted when he gets home and make sure that he is allowed to rest. The only other thing you can do is ban him from staying at his friends which you know is going to put you in his bad books.
    Obviously you are happy with the way you are raising your children and you are doing your best which is most likely exactly what your friend thinks and feels about herself. So imagine if your friend pulled you aside and said “Look, I dont want to upset you but I need to address the fact that you are coddling your son. you dont give him enough freedom and you are proving that you dont trust him by taking his phone away from him at bedtime. You are telling him that he is not mature enough to self monitor and I think thats sad” …. If she said that to you even if it was coming from a place of true caring…..how would you feel? If you value your friendship then leave it be. We are all different.

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  • Unfortunately you can’t change another person’s parenting style and they have the right to do what they feel and want. Perhaps you need to consider if this is the right kind of friendship for you and your family? Set some boundaries and only see her when you feel the situation can be controlled a bit more. It’s important to surround yourself with like minded people who have similar styles and values.

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  • No parent will parent the same as another. Whilst I dont agree with a few things this mother does, who am ai do judge. Im not perfect. I suggest just trying to stay out of it and set some nice examples for this other child to see.

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  • Have your child’s freind stay at your place more often so he can see how other families live
    If your child’s freind don’t like your rules that alone will create space between them

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  • You can’t tell someone else how to parent their own kids. If you are worried about your son being left on his own maybe casually just check in with her if she’s going to be there as you don’t feel he’s ready to be left without supervision or if you’re really not happy with her rules then only allow sleepovers at your home until you feel your son is old enough…


    • I agree; take control of the situation and set boundaries.

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  • Nothing you can do unfortunately except limit the time he spends there.

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  • There is nothing you can do about someone else’s parenting style. The only control you have is over your parenting style with your child in your household.

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  • Respect her style, but when you don’t agree and have concerns about how it impacts your child, then you should simply discontinue sleepovers

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  • Allow sleepovers only at your house if you are that worried.

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  • Her style is her style. It impacts on you when you let your son stay over so don’t.

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