"I just wanted to slot this baby in and maybe no one would notice"

I want you all to know getting pregnant; it wasn’t always that easy. And when it was it didn’t always feel the way it should.

Getting pregnant for Dave and I had not always been simple.

The first time we tried it took 18 months, I mean sure; We were just “throwing caution to the wind”, as one would say but still 18 months and nothing!

So when we finally got pregnant with our first baby, we were shocked and delighted. I finally felt like I’d done something right after months of feeling as if I was doing something wrong or maybe I wasn’t made to be a mother. Let me tell you; these times were some low low times.

So when I got pregnant the next four times on the day we started trying; my reaction was starting to change.

How was this happening so fast? We literally thought about having a baby two weeks ago and then; bam!, a positive test.

When this happened four times in a row it was almost unbelievable.

The symptoms were so recognizable now: can’t sleep, back ache, boobs are on fire and is that the taco from last night or am I seriously, already showing.

To make matters even rarer the fourth time I was still breastfeeding and hadn’t even had my first period yet!

Letting my husband know was the easy part , he laughed; “what’s one more” while bathing three and one hanging of his leg, me standing there in disbelief and shock.

And then it hit me like a wave and I couldn’t breathe. Guilt.

Beautiful friends of ours had been trying for three years; and we’re still not pregnant. Another best friend of mine had been trying for a couple of months and made jabs that “we would be pregnant again before they were ”.

And although I had been there myself and it wasn’t something I had done wrong.

I felt guilty- guilty I hadn’t tried to get pregnant four times, sad that I was already beating myself up and I didn’t want to celebrate and so scared to let anybody know.

And then there were the critics. Every person we knew ( and strangers in the street that we didn’t know) would have opinions. Bad, good, shocked, elated and I just wasn’t ready to deal with it all. Six kids five and under. Oh gosh.

I wanted to call my friends and tell them I was sorry or tell no one at all and just give birth and slot this baby in and maybe no one would notice.

After days of dealing with these emotions on my own, I reached out to my beautiful friend that had been trying for three years and she was so excited for me.

And then I realized something. This baby deserved to be celebrated just like all the rest. I didn’t do anything wrong. I was excited, my husband was amused.

Once I started telling people it only became easier. All of my family and my friends, especially the ones that were trying, were so happy for us!

They knew how special having a baby was and they were overjoyed that our dreams of having a large family had come true.

This post originally appeared on Eight at home and has been shared with full permission.

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20 Comments

- - june11 said
  - 10 Apr 2018
    6:57 am
I think the worst situation would be when a mum-to-be has a miscarriage when a relative (or friend) is celebrating the birth of a new baby.

- - BellaB said
  - 02 Apr 2018
    10:49 pm
I think even when it hurts to hear the news, most people celebrate for friends.
- mom93821 replied
  
  03 Apr 2018 , 6:38 am
  I agree – there is sadness if one has fertility issues, but genuine joy for other people too.
- - becstalou said
  - 02 Apr 2018
    8:40 am
I feel tired reading 6, 5 and under. Amazing work, I’m sure anyone worth worrying about will share the joy and those struggling will have an extra cutie to cuddle.

- - mom93821 said
  - 02 Apr 2018
    5:51 am
Celebrate and enjoy and never ever feel guilty – people that love you will always be happy for you.

- - Ellen said
  - 02 Apr 2018
    4:16 am
The joy of the one, can be the grieve of the other, but every life is of huge value and worthed to celebrate.

- - country chick said
  - 01 Apr 2018
    7:51 pm
It is such a tricky time of life with many emotions…. been there done that. But yes every life should be celebrated

- - mom160421 said
  - 01 Apr 2018
    2:17 pm
I agree, you should not feel guilty for having a baby. It’s a beautiful and miraculous gift.

- - BellaB said
  - 11 Oct 2017
    11:29 pm
Yep. If I was her friend, I’d be jealous, but also celebrating for her whole heartedly..

- - mom94125 said
  - 09 Oct 2017
    11:14 am
yeah we just feel blessed and pray that others will catch the sticky baby dust

- - tessie said
  - 11 May 2017
    2:08 pm
Never feel guilty for falling pregnant. It is a beautiful miracle of love that deserves to be shared. The people who should feel guilty are the ones that get pregnant to trap that man. Congratulations and celebrate your pregnancy.

- - rachel1970 said
  - 11 May 2017
    11:06 am
All babies are a celebration of love and one should not feel guilty. Saying that, when a friend of mine had her twins and lost one at a few days old and the other had serious health issues I felt so guilty when I had twins a year later. My twins too had their health issues being born prem but to this day, I still feel guilty. I know I shouldn’t

- - rovermum said
  - 10 May 2017
    11:34 am
All babies should be celebrated. Whilst it’s hard for many (and I’ve been one of those), you can’t hide your excitement for fear of others reactions. Good luck!!

- - june11 said
  - 09 May 2017
    11:06 pm
You are all happy and you shouldn’t feel guilty. Some are more fortunate than others. I imagine you were shocked as well as excited when you got pregnant while breastfeeding.

- - mom101628 said
  - 09 May 2017
    9:00 pm
Of course you should celebrate – I had four and would have loved to have had more, but couldn’t due to body problems. Enjoy all your children – and as you found, all who know you will be celebrating with you too.

- - ella12 said
  - 09 May 2017
    2:18 pm
That’s beautiful, indeed you should celebrate.

- - Ellen said
  - 09 May 2017
    3:03 am
Beautiful ! I think it’s good to be sensible in the face of those who struggle. But this shouldn’t rob you from your own joy about your pregnancy or the blessings of a big family !

- - mom69828 said
  - 08 May 2017
    9:46 pm
Falling pregnant while breastfeeding isn’t rare 🙂 Both my number 2 & 3 were conceived while I was still breastfeeding. It’s more so that it tends to delay your period returning, reducing your chances of falling pregnant, but still very possible – hence why they talk about birth control before you leave the hospital. Apparently you’re also extremely fertile the first few months after giving birth!
Can relate to the guilt part too – our third was a complete surprise & we have friends who have been trying for years. I couldn’t help but feel bad, but then the excitement kicked in ????

- - nealsq said
  - 08 May 2017
    7:15 pm
I struggled to get pregnant with my hubby, I already had two, I was told i should be happy with what i had :/

- - mom206279 said
  - 08 May 2017
    4:17 pm
Its hard having friends that you know are struggling to have kids. More so after you have struggled or suffered losses yourself. Its survivers guilt.