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Article ‘I’m Letting My Son Avoid A Special Needs Child … Am I Wrong?’

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A dad-of-two says he’s supporting his six-year-old’s decision not to play with a special needs child, which has led to accusations that the boy is being ‘ostracised’.

The boy’s mum has also accused the dad of influencing other neighbours to avoid her son.

The 43-year-old dad of 12-year-old James and six-year-old Sam says he and his youngest son have a Saturday morning tradition, which includes playing with the other kids in the neighbourhood.

“Every Saturday morning Sam and I have a ritual, he calls them our dude walks,” the dad explained on reddit. “We look for spiders, dig in the mud, and stop at our neighbourhood park to play. It’s sort of a standing meetup for a bunch of parents in the area.”

A new family recently moved into the area, and the mum mentioned she also has two boys, 13-yearold Kyle and seven-year-old Aiden. So the dad did the neighbourly thing, and told her about the Saturday morning park group, in case she wanted to come along and meet some of the locals.

“When she showed up with Aiden it was clear he has special needs. The mum was friendly, she sat with all the parents while the kids played. Aiden is an enthusiastic player. Loud noises, banging on things, getting up in the other kids faces. The mum was good about correcting him, and he wasn’t aggressive, just excited.

“The other kids are wary when he flails, but they include him in play still. One Saturday he was having an especially tough day. I called Sam over for a snack. He said, ‘I don’t want to play with Aiden, can we go home?’ So we left. The next day Aiden’s mom came to my door. She told me that I should have talked to him about differently abled people instead of just abandoning her son. We agreed to talk to Sam.

“The next weekend Sam said hi to Aiden, they played together a bit, but when Aiden got loud again, Sam retreated to the highest platform where Aiden was scared to go. When Aiden asked him to be his partner for a game, Sam said no thank you. I felt that was fine. My wife still felt bad, so she invited them over.

“Aiden had one melt down but other than that it went fine. Afterwards Sam asked please could Aiden not come over again. I asked James what he thought of Kyle, he said that the kid was obnoxious and didn’t smell great.

“The next weekend, Aiden destroyed my son’s favourite toy. He snapped the arms and legs off. Sam yelled “YOU ARE A VERY MEAN LITTLE BOY!” I did not make him apologise, we just left.”

The incidents prompted the dad to abandon the Saturday morning walks, switching them to afternoon walks, when he know Aiden will no longer be at the park.

“After a few weeks, some others started joining us. We didn’t discuss why. But I suspect that they didn’t all shift their weekend routine around solely because they missed my sparkling personality.

“Aiden’s mom eventually got wind of it. I don’t know how. She wrote us a long heartfelt letter. She felt I had not done enough to discourage Sam from ostracising Aiden and that my ‘pull’ in the neighbourhood was influencing others to avoid her son now too.

“Sam has tried his best. He’s verbalised his need for boundaries from Aiden to us three times now. James has also been clear that he doesn’t like the brother, Kyle. As long as both of my kids treat them with respect, I’m satisfied.

“I can’t control what the other parents choose to do. We’ll continue to be friendly and be good neighbours if they need a hand, but not play with them. Am I the a**hole?”

What a tricky situation! Let us know what you’d do in the same situation in the comments below. 

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Comments

  • I work with special needs children and I understand that sometimes they can be a bit much for other children.
    I think you need to explain to this Woman that just as her son has wants and needs so does your son. Not everyone can like you and unfortunately your son struggles with her son making too much noise, etc.

    Reply

  • This is a sad and tricky situation to be in. I don’t know what the answer is.

    Reply

  • It almost sounds like your son has sensory needs too – a sensory avoider.
    Be nice to the Mum. It is hard.

    Reply

  • This is a sad situation and I feel for both of the families. It’s very important to teach children empathy and kindness and to explain differences but if the child doesn’t want to play with the special needs child it is his choice.

    Reply

  • That is tricky, it’s important to teach kids how to interact with other kids but still need to respect your kids wishes.

    Reply

  • This is a very sad story that hits home to us as parents of a disabled son.
    I can understand how the other family feels but none of us know what will happen in the future.
    We don’t go near anyone who is unaccepting.

    • I feel you! The home life is tough enough without the judgement.

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  • Tricky situation all round I think

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  • You are required to look after your own children and this is what you have done.
    It is the other parent that has special needs and it is up to them not you to make sure they are met.
    Children from anywhere that cannot mix in at a good social level with their peers are usually subject to their own parents finding a solution NOT other parents .

    Reply

  • This story breaks my heart. Having had a child with special needs whom was often left out of activities, i think it would have been nice if the father tried to get his son to understand the situation better and explained that it is harder for the little boy who to understand why others don’t want to play with him and to try to make an effort even if it is only for a few minutes.

    Reply

  • Very tricky. As a Mum of a child on the spectrum, this article makes me feel sad. I understand how this Mum feels and part of me wishes that the Dad had done more to somehow make his son understand and/or made more of an effort with the Mum. But, life is not that easy and doesn’t often work that way.

    Reply

  • It is a very tricky situation, but I think it is just as important to respect Sam’s right to choose what is best for him, as it is to teach him respect, empathy & tolerance for Aiden.

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  • I can understand both sides of the situation but, ultimately it’s the boys decision. I hope this Mum can understand this and still be friends.

    • Is it the boy’s decision? Isn’t it our job as parents to model and correct?

    Reply

  • Tricky. He didn’t set out to ostracise the other boy, and it sounds like he made some efforts to get his son to engage and understand. Ultimately I think he has to look after his sons’ needs (which does include not having his toys destroyed. Did the Mum offer to replace it?). As he says, if his sons treat them politely and with respect, and don’t bad mouth them to others, he shouldn’t force them to play together.

    Reply

  • This is so tricky!
    I fully support inclusion but at the same time dad needs to understand his little ones own boundaries and be supportive of them.

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  • This is a very difficult situation and I can definitely see both sides. While I’m all for inclusion I can totally understand the Dad wanting to respect his own child’s feeling as well. It’s not ok that his son’s favourite toy was broken and forcing him to continue playing with someone he doesn’t want to is saying his feelings are invalid. Was his toy replaced? or was he expected to deal with it? There is a lot involved here with each parent just trying to protect their own children.

    Reply

  • I think you’ve brought them together enough it’s up to the kid who he wants to play with

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  • I do not like the labels in the article. Children are all different and have different needs. A child with special needs is more appropriate than a special needs child.

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  • You can’t force your son to play with a kid he clearly doesn’t like. Sam tried to be understanding several times. It’s important to teach children about politeness and inclusion but it seems Sam was being polite and did try to include, but he shouldn’t be forced to continue after the other child has even broken his toy. I used to have a special needs adult who used to really get in my face and always wanted to sit next to me. She would also try to interfere with my parenting. I tried to be nice, but week after week it happened, until it got to the point I didn’t want to go to church anymore. I started sitting in different locations and coming in later, hoping she wouldn’t see us. One day she actually did see us and got up and moved. I snapped. I felt really bad and did try to explain sometimes was OK, but I needed space. Now she thinks I’m ‘mean’ and doesn’t talk to me anymore, but in all honesty, you need to be able to feel comfortable.

    • In any relationship we gravitate towards people who meets our needs and we meet theirs. You cannot force a relationship.

      • Oops, This was meant to be an individual comment rather than a reply.

    Reply

  • A tricky situation. You can’t force friendships and kids to hang out with each other.
    Having 2 special needs kids myself, when a situation occurs that my child upset another child in the park (for example hitting, not sharing, throwing or breaking items), I teach my child to apologize and when her behaviour continues to be unacceptable to the other we may go home.
    Yes there should be place for my special needs child at the park, but there should be place for any other child too.

    Reply

  • That’s such a tough one. I feel for them all. As long as the son is taught that he can’t just avoid people that make him uncomfortable. They are part of life and pop up everywhere, his school, worklife and social life. You can’t force him to play with them but can teach him empathy. Maybe have short plays when the child is there.

    Reply
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