'Is My Partner Lazy, Or Am I Expecting Too Much Of A New Dad?'

A new mum dealing with a colicky baby has asked her partner to leave after he refused to help with even the smallest things related to their newborn. But now she’s wondering if he really is a deadbeat, or just laid back.

The new mum, who asked for the opinions of other mums on Mumsnet, says she’s not sure if she’s being unreasonable or just hormonal after giving birth five weeks ago.

“I have a five week old baby. She’s amazing. She has colic. I can cope with the crying, I don’t care if she meowed or sang Christmas carols but it’s her little face going bright red and the tears. She’s in pain and I can’t help her, all I can do is cuddle her,” the new mum explained.

“Her dad. My partner. I’ve been with him for eight years. I mean anyone can cuddle a baby right?

“He won’t take turns in the night. When he does he’s mad that I’ve asked him to. He will wake me up on his turn (he’s a teacher he has eight weeks off work at the minute) to ask me to put the muslin on his shoulder correctly incase she spits up he doesn’t want it on him.”

The woman says despite her baby having colic, she actually sleeps well for a newborn, waking at 3a and 6am.

“I get up with her at 6am and stay up with her and he wakes around 12. I’ll ask him to do her bottle. He says he can’t he’s having breakfast. That’s fine I do it.

“Today for example. I woke with her at 6am. She was unsettled this morning. Very windy and the poor thing is doing really uncomfortable poos. He got up half 12. I’d not eaten yet. I made her bottle (breastfeeding didn’t work for us … long difficult story feeling incredibly guilty) and asked if he would feed her. No he needs his breakfast. He has his breakfast. Spends ages washing up.

“He says that if I’m going to complain about it I shouldn’t have become a mother.”

“We’re now at 2pm. I ask can you watch her. No he wants to do his teeth. Okay no worries. 3pm comes along … would you mind watching her I’ve not had a coffee or anything to eat? No, it’s Sunday I want to go to (the shop) before it closes. Okay no worries. Gets home … could you watch her I want to get some food and maybe my coffee? No I want to do a poo. Takes his paper and disappears for his poo.

“He comes out and I just lost it with him. But before this, may I add, I asked him to watch her whilst I made a bottle. I came back through he’s watching cricket and instead of holding her he’s put her on the bed and she rolled onto her front ! And he just said ‘Oops’ and then holds her.

“So I’ve said right I’m going to the coffee shop … alone. But I didn’t I was outside the house with my coffee. I was outside for 55 agonising minutes. When I come in my baby’s inconsolable, so I’ve cuddled her and I said to him she can pick up on this toxic environment. And he said to me, ‘She would do when her mum f**ks off for three hours’.

“So I show him my ring doorbell footage. I was just under 56 minutes in total. Suddenly, ‘It’s not about the time’ and that if I’m going to complain about it I shouldn’t have become a mother. I wasn’t ready to be a mother and all this poison he’s come out with.

“I’ve told him to leave. I said to him when I stop needing you it’s one thing, but when she stops needing you you’re nothing but a squatter. His response is if you want someone who goes out and cheats or slaps you about then go and get it, it could be worse.

“Is he just laid back or is he a pr**k?”

Let us know what you think in the comments below.

49 Comments

- - Ellen said
  - 27 Oct 2024
    8:34 am
Aw bless ! All men are different and not all men are hands – on dads. My husband was not very hands on especially not during the baby stage, he became a bit more hands on once the kids reach the toddler age and for his feeling more communication was possible.
- Ellen replied
  
  27 Oct 2024 , 8:37 am
  My husbands dad was kind of the same. I remember well that when our kids were born, he didn’t want to come around to see or hold them till they were a bit older. Simply because he didn’t have much with babies. I remember well that I felt disappointed and kind of hurt, I found it hard to understand
- - mom57569 said
  - 26 Oct 2024
    9:59 pm
He sounds like a spoilt prat. You were practically bringing bub up alone so it’s no big deal that he’s not there. Colic is horrible as you will be stressed because bub is sick. I hope they still sell gripe water as this helps a lot. Your husband needs to grow up. You will be a lot calmer when bub is over the colic and you get used to being a mum. I hope things start getting better for you soon

- - meedee said
  - 30 Sep 2024
    12:36 pm
My husband was the same. We discussed things before having the bub and he told me he was going to be hands on so thats what I expected. When bub was born he was totally useless. i didnt expect him to get up at night as he was working but in the weekends I would like a little help….nope. useless.

- - Ellen said
  - 11 Dec 2023
    4:42 am
Sorry you go through this, he sounds very unwilling

- - Zmijka86 said
  - 09 Nov 2022
    8:26 pm
Its a big change for everyone . Sometimes it’s good to sit down and just talk about our needs.

- - sharna_booth_weinrowski said
  - 29 Sep 2022
    8:13 am
It is a huge change.
Saying that, yes it is bad!

- - ashna9 said
  - 24 Sep 2022
    8:44 pm
He’s a prick;. That’s not laid back, that’s laziness.

- - mom461384 said
  - 06 Sep 2022
    2:30 pm
A prick!!! F@*# him off. Belittling you like that dv

- - snazzy007 said
  - 18 Aug 2022
    8:39 am
Sounds like he is all about himself and his needs which is not fair or you or baby

- - tessie said
  - 31 Jul 2022
    11:58 am
Unless he’s doing everything around the house including cooking the meals then he’s definitely a prick and you’d be better off without him around.

- - Lividanke said
  - 29 Jul 2022
    1:51 pm
This guy needs to grow up and realise that it’s his baby too and he needs to get in and help his partner out. I’d be showing him the door.

- - mom412922 said
  - 27 Jul 2022
    7:21 pm
Prick. It’s abuse.

- - rovermum said
  - 27 Jul 2022
    11:43 am
OMG he is really a piece of work. I had a son with colic for the first 12 months of his life and our lives were a living hell. But, my hubby was so supportive and we shared the load. We also accepted help from others for breaks from the screaming etc. I’m not sure if you have any other support, but I do hope you find someone to give you some respite. He’s clearly not going to.

- - mom101628 said
  - 26 Jul 2022
    11:25 pm
Sounds pretty one-sided to me. Maybe some counselling would help both of you, but it doesn’t sound to me like a very loving relationship.

- - BellaB said
  - 26 Jul 2022
    6:46 pm
It’s really bad timing, but yeah, I think she’s right to ask him to leave. Hope she has some other supports, though.

- - mom321588 said
  - 26 Jul 2022
    3:48 pm
Always two sides to a story, but honestly O think this Dad sounds immature and selfish. It’s a huge adjustment for all, he needs to do his part.

- - mom466291 said
  - 26 Jul 2022
    3:30 pm
That’s not laid back…that’s the other

- - MummaKez said
  - 26 Jul 2022
    2:36 pm
He’s not making a commitment as a Dad or supportive husband. You made the right call. Never doubt it again.

- - mom489365 said
  - 26 Jul 2022
    1:25 pm
Such a Pr**k, it takes two to tango and he should step up and take some responsibility, be more supportive and caring.

- - mom468034 said
  - 26 Jul 2022
    1:19 pm
Prick!
I have been in this exact situation, with new born twins. If he doesnt step up, he is expecting you to look after him in addition to the baby, that is selfish and wrong.
I didnt want my kids to grow up with these role models, that’s why their dad is now an EX. He had multiple chances and blew every single one.
Life is short. Anyone who can speak this way to you and be this hands off, what are they contributing exactly?