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Article Lost in the PND fog

By Carmen Ulrick
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32 Comments

I had my first of three sons in 2012. That was the year that I first felt the absolute mind fog that is postnatal depression.

I’ve had some extremely rough times since then. Having three aged 3 and under is no walk in the park. Many times the fog has taken over and I’ve broken. Even with the assistance of those little white pills, I have days that are beyond what I can handle.

Tonight, after a particularly hard day, I broke.

Now when I say I broke I don’t mean that I had a little scream into my pillow, though that’s probably what I should have done. No, I full on, straight jacket, padded cell broke.

I broke in a way that only my husband has seen before. I broke in a way that I’m sure will get my family and friends talking when they read about it. But if I’m honest about the way I broke then maybe I can help someone else who is struggling by showing them that they’re not alone.

I just couldn’t handle the screaming anymore. It’s not their fault, I know this, but my mind is foggy remember. The screaming ate at my brain. The crying and the yelling tore at my soul and I felt like I was going to implode. I managed to put the baby safely down on the bed.

And then I ran.

I ran to my husband. And as I ran I yelled. Over and over I yelled “I’ve had enough, I’ve had enough, I’ve had enough”. I got to my husband and I pleaded with him “he’s on the bed, please, please take him” and I ran again.

This time I ran to the bathroom, I locked the door and turned on the shower. I heard my husband going to the baby and my hot, prickled skin started to cool. I stepped into the steaming cubicle of relief, closed my eyes, and inhaled deeply.

With that one breath everything started to melt away. I was no longer a wife or mother. I was 19 again. I was in the shower at my parents house. I had no stress, no responsibilities, no reason to ever turn off the water. I didn’t want to, I wasn’t going to, at that moment in time I didn’t want to be a wife or a mother, I just wanted to be me. The me that I used to be, the one I haven’t seen for a while because she’s lost in the fog, or she doesn’t exist anymore, I’m honestly not sure which it is at this point.

Either way I longed for her. For the freedom she got to enjoy. 

And then, with one small sound the very thing that drove me in there, pulled me back out. I heard my beautiful, innocent three year old son giggling. I had run into the shower to escape being a mum for five minutes but that sweet, soft sound that I somehow managed to hear over the pounding hot water spoke to my soul.

I wanted to know what goofy thing he was giggling at. I wanted to see that gorgeous little smile. I wanted to laugh right along with him. See, my children are my sunshine, clearing away the fog. It’s a tricky cycle.

I turned off the water and stood silently for a few moments, listening to my boys and their daddy playing. I am so blessed I reminded myself. I gathered up the shattered pieces of my mind and readied myself to leave the bathroom and join my family.

No apologies would be needed, even though I’d try to give them. My husband would give me a look that meant he understood and that he loves me. The bigger-little boys would run to me, excited to see their mummy and I would take them in my arms and give them the love that was always there, just slightly in the shadow. Then I would take my precious baby in my arms and feed him and look into his beautiful eyes while he nursed.

We would all be ok. Sure, I would get lost in the fog again, it’s a constant battle, but I would be ok.

I would be ok, because even though my mind is fogged over like a winding road through a cold, deep valley, I have three glorious rays of sunshine, guiding me home.

Have you been through PND? SHARE your experience with us in the comments below.

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Comments

  • Im so thankful that I never went through this. It must be so very hard to deal with.

    Reply

  • Thank you for sharing. I suffered depression when my Dad died 20 years, and then post-natal depression 15 years ago after the birth of my only son. Both experiences were very different, and I was unaware of my depression through both. It was the observation of others. My PND made total sense after the fact. Four years of trying to fall pregnant, 2 and a half years on IVF, a troubled pregnancy along with a fear of not reaching full term (my sister had a stillbirth prior to my pregnancy), then a troubled birth and post complications, inability to breastfeed due to the complications and then a child with colic for the first 12 months with ongoing medication required. I look back now and thing wow. At the time I just went with all of it and then only when my husband was diagnosed with depression and started to clear with meds, could he see that I also had PND. We got through it, and I talked about it all the time. I’m a talker and I believe it helps in making things better. I think we all need to share our stories, to remove the stigma and to support each other. Thank you for sharing your story. I could absolutely relate, but also know that I got the help I needed and accepted support to become a better person and mother.

    • Thank you for sharing your story with me. I’m sorry that you hard a hard time but am so glad you got the help you needed! I agree that talking helps a lot and we all need to be more open about it.

      I hope you’re well xx

    Reply

  • I can completely relate to your story. I found it so very difficult with our kids because I felt there was this expectation that every other mother copes and gets on with the challenges of babies and children. I don’t think there are enough mothers and fathers talking about PND. I’m so glad you made your way through it.

    • Yes! I completely agree! It feels like you’re alone so often in this parenting journey, I’m so glad it’s becoming more open. Take care xx

    Reply

  • Bless you, what a hard time you’ve had ! The demands of multiple children can be overwhelming for all of us, let alone when you’ve PND. Sounds you have a beautiful & understanding husband and good to read that you’re able to share your story and express your emotions and feelings and ask for help !!

    • Thank you for your kind words! My husband is definitely worth his weight in gold x

    Reply

  • Love your story – I’m just wiping away a tear. Hope that your story will help others. I know what it’s like to have 3 under 3, but never got to your situation and pleased it never happened to me as I didn’t have a very understanding husband to take over anyway.

    • I’m glad you didn’t have to deal with PND. Thank you for your kind words xx

    Reply

  • Bless you, that’s such a rough road ! Beautiful how you express that your family can become too much and at 5he sqme time are tge ones who lift you up. Sounds you’ve a beautiful husband and glad you’re able to ask help !

    • Thank you! I have an amazing husband, I’m very lucky to have him and my boys

    Reply

  • It is easy to be lost…. but do not be scared to ask for help

    Reply

  • I have four children but it wasn’t until my middle child Harry master three that I had ptsd it took a while to get it diagnosed but it was worth getting the help I needed

    • I’m glad you were able to get the help you need, I know it’s definitely not easy! Take care x

    Reply

  • Yes, yes, yes…. Great truthful read that, unfortunately hits home. Thank you.

    • I’m sorry you can relate but it’s always nice to know you’re not alone. I hope things are on the up for you x

    Reply

  • You described the feeling perfectly & your story was so comforting to read. PND isn’t talked about enough & if you haven’t gone through it, it is hard to understand the feelings. Thank you for sharing.

    • I completely agree, it needs to be spoken about more! It shouldn’t be something to be ashamed of.

      Thank you for you comment x

    Reply

  • What you described sounds like what most mums go through – when it all get too much, when you just want to be your old self, and when you realise how lucky you are to have a healthy child.

    • I’m definitely lucky to have my boys. I’m sure all mums have moments like this, I suppose the difference is the frequency of these moments and the severity.

      Thanks for your comment :)

    Reply

  • What a wonderful way to describe PND to others. I’m currently worried about my daughter in law. Their little one is very unsettled due to tummy problems, mum isn’t getting hardly any sleep. How do you know when lack of sleep and the usual stresses of being a new mum, give way to PND? What signs do I look for?

    • If you’re concerned and you’re comfortable doing so, I’d just start by asking her how she is doing. She can take the Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale online ( https://www.beyondblue.org.au/who-does-it-affect/pregnancy-and-early-parenthood/edinburgh-postnatal-depression-scale ), and can talk to her gp about her results if need be.
      It can be really hard to see the signs as symptons often do mimic exhaustion, or the person may hide it well. It’s really something she needs to act on and with your gentle guidance hopefully she’ll feel supported enough to take the steps she may need.

      Good luck, she’s very lucky to have you looking out for her x

    Reply

  • I understand PND is complex, but let me remind you of two important things: you made sure your baby was safe, and everyone experiences a small touch of the need for a break.

    Reply

  • I suffered from pnd to. Medication has it under control right now.
    Good on you for acting fast and being brave and telling your story. Thank you

    • Medication is helping me too, I’m very grateful for it! Thank you so much x

    Reply

  • I suffered with PND with my first child in 2014 although I didn’t realise it until a bit later. I was very lucky to have a great support network to help me through it. I think it is great that we are all talking about it now instead of feeling like we need to suffer alone.

    • A good support network is crucial isn’t it? I don’t think sugar coating things like this is helping anyone! We have to be honest, it’s not something we need to be ashamed of.

      Thanks for your comment x

    Reply

  • Currently going through it at the moment, it has been hard but great having the family support

    • I hope your fight is a short one. I’m so glad you have support, it makes all the difference x

    Reply

  • No I haven’t but a close friend of mine did and she felt so much better after asking for help.

    • I’m so glad she was able to speak up. It’s hard when there is so much negativity attached to it!

      Thanks for your comment x

    Reply
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