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Article Making friends: A parent’s guide

By Emily Morgan
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42 Comments

Whether you’re a new stay-at-home parent with a partner, or whether you’re a new single parent, you need this.

Because believe me, there will come a time, probably soon, when you realise that you don’t know what to do. Something completely unexpected happens. The books are no help.

Now’s the time a sympathetic, understanding friend might come in handy, don’t you think?

The great disconnect

We live in a world very different to the one our parents grew up in – even different to the one many of us grew up in.

Nowadays, we don’t live near our families. We don’t have aunts, uncles, cousins, great aunts, grandparents, brothers, sisters, nieces and nephews within a few minutes drive. We probably don’t know many of our neighbours.

Imagine if I gave you an awesome job – “Congratulations, you can start tomorrow!” – but when you started, you realised there was no time off, no training, no manual, no compulsory professional development, no coaching or experienced staff on hand to guide you and no way of quitting, ever?

How good a job would you do?

That’s modern parenting.

Of course, you do have the option of reading parenting books, magazines and blogs. You can listen to podcasts and visit child health nurses. There are even formal parenting training courses on various topics.

But after a while, all of these voices start to blend into one another.

Now, instead of a few, trustworthy, familiar examples to follow, we are inundated with a million parenting methods, styles, advisers from all over the world. How can we possibly know what to trust?

If we all lived in villages, we would experience parenting from the moment of birth. We would see our parents bringing up our younger siblings. We’d see local families and relatives bringing up their children and we would see our older siblings going through the new parent experience. When it was our turn, we would not be starting with a clean slate, but with a wealth of knowledge under our belts. Not to mention several willing, loving helpers to see us through the tough times.

In modern Australia there are few people who are lucky enough to have this experience.

Most of us have few if any siblings. We are distanced from our neighbours or extended family, either by location or emotion. And we don’t know the first thing about parenting until we learn it the hard way.

Filling a need

You can have all the parenting books you like on your shelf, but when the chips are down and you don’t know what to do or how to cope, the best tool in your kit is a friend.

A friend who is living your life – a parent.

They can be older or younger, experienced or not. The details don’t matter. What matters is that they care about you and your life. They want to help.

They won’t judge you because they are going through the same things. They are there for you.

That’s all very well, but how?

How do I make these friends? I mean, here I am, surrounded by nappies, dirty clothes and a screaming infant and you want me to go out and make friends? Are you kidding?

Nope. If you want parent friends, you’ve got to go out there and find them. That means putting on some semblance of daytime wear, throwing a few spare nappies and changes of clothes into a bag, locating your purse and keys, oh yes and your infant, and leaving the house. It’ll do you both good.

Potential friends are everywhere. You just have to know where to look.

In fact, parents have it pretty easy. Children are the common denominator – you know that as soon as you walk into a child-centric place, the adults around you have at least one thing in common. I made more friends in a new city in the ten months after the birth of my first child than in the ten or so years before.

Where to look

Try these out:

  • The pool or dance class – any formal lesson is a great place to meet parents. Chat with the parents of the kids in your child’s class. See which child seems to be making friends with yours and invite him and his parent to your place or the park for a play date.
  • The new mother’s group – this is a great place to meet other new mums, even if you don’t end up as friends with them all. Just because you all had a baby at the same time doesn’t make you kindred spirits, but the chances are you’ll get to know and like one or two, who might become good friends.
  • Playgroup – go to your local playgroup. Your child will meet other kids who may end up being at school with them and you will get to know parents in a relaxed atmosphere while your children are distracted with craft and toys.
  • The park or an indoor play centre – this is a tricky one, as often parents are distracted or already with a friend. But you never know. At least your children will be entertained, leaving you to divert some attention away from them and towards other adults.

Don’t forget that to make a friend, you need to be a friend.

Listen, celebrate their kids and commiserate with their problems. If they ask for your help in a pinch, help them, even if it’s inconvenient for you. It’s a two-way street, so if you both give and receive you’re more likely to maintain the friendship. If it’s all one way, the friendship will fizzle out before it begins.

Finally, remember: if it seems too hard to make the effort for yourself, and you can’t see the benefits, think of your child.

If you are friends with other parents, your child will get the chance to make friends of their own. Great for building social skills!

Have you made some great friends since you’ve had kids? How did you form the friendships? Please SHARE below.

Image courtesy of Shutterstock.com

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Comments

  • Ugh it can be so hard making mum friends! We have baby swimming lessons and baby sensory, but I find you’re so focused on what your baby is doing that you almost forget to put in effort connecting.

    Reply

  • It is always great having a shoulder to lean on.

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  • I haven’t had friends since I was at school! I know lots of people but not friends, friends I can do withou!

    Reply

  • parents guide

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  • I did the great disconnect and never reconnected. Don’t build bridges, get over fences, don’t do friends. Makes life simpler

    • As long as it works for you, it’s a good decision. But I am glad that you maintain an online social presence anyway – it is a great option for staying in the loop without having to commit to friendships.

      • yes i get that but i still need a few good mates.

    Reply

  • making freinds

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  • I love the group of school mums im friends with: dont know how i lived without them!

    • Those are the best kind of friends, the ones you never realised you were missing!

    Reply

  • Some excellent advice in here.

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  • these are great tips! it is great to be friends with someone who is in the same boat!

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  • great tips

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  • Good tips!!

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  • Some good tips here.

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  • it is real nice

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  • Local coffee shop and cinema that caters for mums with bubs are good places to keep in mind too.

    • Great ideas. Parent-friendly cafes are a godsend anytime, but definitely a good place to meet other parents.

    Reply

  • The library is also a good place to meet parents. Worked for me.

    • That’s a great tip! I had not thought of it, though actually now I think of it, their rhyme time and story time sessions are great for kids and parents. I made lots of acquaintances there with my first. Thanks!

    Reply

  • The Council-run Mothers Group that ran for 16 weeks was a god send and I carried a core group of those friends through to Playgroup and beyond. I’m still besties with one of the Mums and see a couple of others perhaps once or twice a year. It was great to share experiences with others with babies at the same stage of yours. To know you weren’t alone, and to get advice, tips, comfort.

    • What a great experience! I’m so glad the group stayed together so long. I think our council mother’s group stopped a bit early, I think it was about eight weeks. But we kept it going at each other’s houses for a few months after that before the group began to split up. Thanks for your input!

    Reply

  • School has been the thing for me. I have made some very close friends and even holiday with a couple of them.

    • That’s a great idea and one I hadn’t considered. Thanks for the comment!

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  • Thank you for the helpful tips.

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  • The older you get the harder it gets to make friends. I agree with everything this article says – sometimes you just have to make the effort. Kids are great ice breakers.

    • It’s true, perhaps we get more set in our ways as we get older. Kids certainly do make people more friendly, it’s one of their charms!

    Reply

  • Finding and making friends through common interests works. I have made friends through hobbies and interests and you have these things in common and then you can expand on your friendship.

    • That’s very true, it’s great to have something in common with people to give you a first step to making friends.

    Reply
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