'My Bestie Isn't Ready For A Baby, And I Let Her Know'

Would you tell your friends you don’t think they’ll cope with a baby, after they’ve just announced they’re expecting? This friend did exactly that, and she doesn’t think she did anything wrong.

The 26-year-old says her best friend, who is also 26, just announced she and her husband, 29, are expecting a baby.

“I feel like an ass since I didn’t react with joy like everyone else but I honestly can’t support their decision,” the friend explained.

“They’ve only been married for a couple of years so there was plenty of time for them to settle down and have kids, in my opinion, but my friend has always had ‘baby fever’. I’m mainly concerned about their ability to be parents.

“They both work full-time and when they get home they complain they are ‘too tired’ to take care of stuff around the house: cooking, cleaning, etc. They eat out every night because my friend doesn’t know how to cook and her husband just doesn’t want to. Their house is always messy between dishes, laundry, and general filth.

“They also have poor money management skills, always shopping for stuff they just see and want but don’t need rather than buying stuff like groceries to cook actual meals. They’ve struggled to pay rent a few times because of this. In addition, their house is incredibly small, overflowing with stuff and not a safe environment for a baby. (It’s very old and has a lot issues.) Realistically, how do you expect to take care of a baby with habits like that and in a space that isn’t suited for them?”

So, the friend decided she should relay her concerns to her bestie, and initially she took the advice with a grain of salt.

“When I expressed these concerns to my friends, they essentially told me I shouldn’t worry about it because “nobody is ever prepared to have a baby” and that I should just be happy for them. I get that you’re never really prepared but you can have a game plan, right? Start saving and making sure you have the stuff and space required? How nonchalant they were about my concerns made me even more anxious; you’d think I was having the baby.

“Yesterday the topic came up again and my friend asked me if I had changed my mind about it and when I told her no, she was grated. I also learned they are now trying to rush a move to get to a bigger and better house even though she’s halfway through her second trimester.

“She starting getting defensive, saying that just because I don’t really want kids of my own that I was trying to “bring her down,” and that I should just support her pregnancy rather than being concerned about “future problems.”

“I told her that she and her husband were too caught in elation to see the reality that being a parent isn’t just about cute baby clothes and being a friend to your child. I did get snippy, which I shouldn’t have done, but it felt like she was just brushing away what I consider valid concerns. I did eventually apologise, saying, “I’m sorry you feel that way but I don’t think I’m unjustified here,” which didn’t go well because it wasn’t a “real” apology. Not one she wanted to hear, at least. I just can’t bring myself to believe they are responsible or mature enough to have a baby and that makes me feel like a bad friend.

“So, am I the a**hole for telling them they’re not ready to have a baby and should have waited until they got their lives together?”

Let us know what you think in the comments below.

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31 Comments

- - BellaB said
  - 19 May 2024
    6:35 pm
It’s a bit late to be criticising them now. Maybe you could offer help eg with organising the house they do have?

- - Ordinary mum said
  - 31 Oct 2023
    9:44 pm
You just might be surprised but it’s not fair to fail them before they’ve even started and yes they will need to baby proof the house but she they still have another 4 and a half months to go and baby won’t be able to crawl straight away so they do have time. I think give them the benefit of the doubt but really, unless they are neglectful and abusive it’s really none of your business and nor do they need your permission.

- - TwinMum said
  - 03 Aug 2023
    8:11 am
While the friend might be right it isn’t really her place to tell the pregnant woman she isn’t ready. I mean why not try and help her adjust now before baby arrives. So support rather than degrade.

- - Lividanke said
  - 31 Jul 2023
    1:34 pm
It doesn’t really matter if you agree with them having a baby or not, they’re adults, they’ve decided that they want a baby and like it or not, a baby is coming now!
You might be surprised at how well they cope when bubs arrives. I’ve known of people who weren’t planning to start a family, weren’t excited about the prospect and absolutely loved it, going on to have a few more kids when they never wanted kids at all, whereas I’ve known other people that always wanted a family and when they had one, found out that it was so much harder than they expected.

- - kay1987 said
  - 31 Jul 2023
    5:59 am
At the end of the day your friend is an adult and you are not their mother. Be happy that they’ve created this life and then offer support when the baby arrives if needed. Other than that none of this should be your concern.

- - cassy26 said
  - 28 Jul 2023
    10:03 am
While you may think your comments are warranted its actually not really your business to say anything and your friends might just surprise you anyway. I’m not sure anyone is really “ready’ anyway.

- - mom465794 said
  - 28 Jul 2023
    9:29 am
It’s between the husband and wife to decide if they’re truly ready

- - Coast477127 said
  - 27 Jul 2023
    9:18 pm
Is anyone truly ready? No one truly knows what to expect until the baby comes….then you learn very quickly! Baby is on the way. Be a supportive friend.
- Ellen replied
  
  28 Jul 2023 , 3:51 am
  True, we all started inexperienced when we first fell pregnant and first became parents and had to grow into this role
  - mom93821 replied
    
    28 Jul 2023 , 4:57 am
    
    I agree, roles changes through a life and with it responsibilities.
- - mom465683 said
  - 27 Jul 2023
    7:39 pm
If it’s my best friend, I can tell her anything.

- - tessie said
  - 27 Jul 2023
    10:04 am
Ultimately it’s not your concern. I do understand where you’re coming from though. We weren’t prepared to have a baby either but once my boys were here, everything just fell into place. Just try to be supportive if she needs you. She is your best friend after all.

- - rovermum said
  - 27 Jul 2023
    9:46 am
I agree I don’t think anyone is fully prepared to have a baby. You can imagine how the pregnancy/birth/life will be, but really, it’s different for everyone and you really don’t know how your experience will be. Whilst you can have those thoughts, I don’t think it’shelpful to share them. This husband and wife are grown up adults and will need to navigate in a way that works for them.

- - shocolatmoose said
  - 27 Jul 2023
    9:27 am
Its too late now they are expecting to really say anything, but offer to help out with general tidy ups, setting up nursery, etc. would probably be appreciated, but being snippy and judgy isnt going to help any situation. having a small house isnt an issue for a child, having a overstuffed and unsafe space is – that can be sorted before bubs arrives with planning.

- - sars_angelchik said
  - 27 Jul 2023
    9:00 am
You’re entitled to an opinion, doesn’t mean you should share it. They are already expecting, so it can’t be changed now. Instead of being judging, she should find ways to help like going over recipes and cooking with her friend, to freeze meals for after the baby comes. Help her declutter, etc.

- - RA1234756 said
  - 27 Jul 2023
    8:52 am
It is a bit late…

- - MandaMags said
  - 27 Jul 2023
    8:37 am
You’re being honest, hopefully they wake up and see their situation and change some habits around their home.

- - Julzie13 said
  - 27 Jul 2023
    8:25 am
I can understand the concerns of their lifestyle but a baby/children changes things dramatically. Might sound like the friend is being harsh and the friendship may not continue from here, but at the same time it could also help the to be parents to change their behaviours.

- - mom462430 said
  - 27 Jul 2023
    8:00 am
Hormones prepare you for parenthood. You won’t understand until you become a parent. As for your ‘friends’ pregnancy just but out. Are you trying to ensure she suffers from PND or PNA? You’re no friend

- - Ellen said
  - 27 Jul 2023
    7:44 am
First of all I think we grow into the parents role
Second she pregnant already, not something she can revert
Third your comment is not upbuilding, see how you can support her instead

- - TraceyGail said
  - 27 Jul 2023
    7:42 am
They have already made the decision and are already pregnant so telling them this now isn’t helping in any way. Be supportive not negative and maybe offer help if needed, not “I told you so”. They may well make wonderful parents. Not everyone does things perfectly but they do cope.

- - mom93821 said
  - 27 Jul 2023
    4:38 am
No one knows how they will parent until their child arrives. The reality of a child and the responsibilities involved with being a parent changes lives. No one has the the right to cast judgment on another in such a severe manner. A lot of self reflection is needed when being judgmental, what makes one person and the way they run their life better than the other persons way of life.