My first Mother's Day - Mouths of Mums

In the lead up to Mother’s Day this year (my first as a mumma), I’ve been thinking about what it means to be a mother and especially what it means to me.

It took me a long time to be a mumma (not as long as some but long enough for me). The road to motherhood had it’s heartache and tears. At first I didn’t think I ever wanted children but then that biological clock started ticking and there was no stopping the endless day dreams of one day holding my own bundle of joy.

What would come after that would be close to 5 years of trying, not trying, trying again.

Going to the doctor, being prescribed drugs, going to the specialist to be told the doctor was wrong. Another specialist, it’s something else, an operation and nothing fixed. All the while still trying and not trying. Until eventually IVF was mentioned and thankfully we only had two cycles before we had our big fat positive. Nine months later, almost to the day, we had our bundle of joy. What I felt after that was the biggest shock of my life.

There was no blinding flash of love. There was no instant connection. There was, however, a lot of awe at this little being that I had been carrying for nine months and wonder at how such a small thing could have started from just a bunch of cells on a screen. Then came the unbelievable tiredness, soreness, more heartache, more tears and absolute shock of what the hell has just happened to my life.

No one can prepare you for those first days, weeks or months. No one can say, it’ll pass, you’ll be okay, remember you wanted this. You need to experience it yourself because everyone is different and no two people feel the same when it comes to childbirth and a newborn. But I’m so pleased that I have come out the other side and now feel that blinding flash of love and that connection that I hope will never break.

I say hope will never break because since becoming a mother, I think of my own mother. Constantly. Daily in fact. It hurts. I don’t want to think about her. I have cut my mother out of my life and I’m all the better for it. The hurt and anguish I suffered from that woman was too much for me to bear and I needed out.

But there are these thoughts, all the time. Did she feel about me the way I feel about my daughter. Did she ever look at me while she fed me, while I slept, while I learnt a new skill; did she look at me and feel an overwhelming sense of pride – I made this. Did she feel unconditional love – no matter what my daughter will do to me, I will love her forever, I will put her needs above mine, I will cherish all of the little things and all of the big things this beautiful girl is going to do. Did she want the best for me, did she want me to succeed in life, be happy, feel love, and feel joy. Did she want to shield me from pain and anguish and betrayal?

These are just some of the thoughts that go through my head, every day. And I can’t help but think, surely, surely at some point in our lives together as mother and daughter, my own mother looked at me and wanted me.

There have been times in the past 6 months where I have wanted to contact my mother and ask her these things. To check that there was a time when I felt this mother’s love. Because I know as I got older, with the drugs and the alcohol, these feelings and thoughts just weren’t there. Or if they were, they were certainly not expressed towards me. I have no happy memories of growing up, any feelings of joy I once had are gone and what has replaced them are feelings of sorrow. Sorrow that I don’t have happy memories.

But I don’t want pity. I definitely don’t want that. I know that I am a very lucky person. Compared to others, my life growing up wasn’t that bad. It’s just that feeling I get, when I look at my daughter and I think, no matter what you do, I will always love you and I will try never to hurt you. I never want to make my daughter feel about me, the way I feel about my own mother.

So as this Mother’s Day approaches, my first as a mother. I will think about all of the days, weeks and months to come where I will continue to be a mother and I will try to be the best mother I possibly can.

Because my daughter deserves that. She deserves to know that her mother loves her and will always love her.

Can you relate? SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS AND EXPERIENCES in the comments below.

Main image courtesy of Shutterstock.com

24 Comments
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- - meedee said
  - 25 Apr 2021
    8:07 pm
My first Mothers Day. My daughter was 3 and a half months old and all she had done since the day she was born was to scream. The day she was born I was transferred to another hospital by ambulance and the Ambulance driver said “In my 20years of Driving and Ambulance your baby is the only one thats cried all the way from start to destination”,,, she didnt stop. Several Doctors visits and then i gave up as they kept telling me there was nothing wrong with her. One day after her screaming for 12hours nonstop (who knew a young baby would have that much stamina?) we took her to the Doctors only to be told yet again that there was nothing wrong with her. How she made it to a year old without me throwing her out the window I dont know. How calm I remaind amazes me. It wasnt a fun time though. My first Mothers Day my husband didnt do a thing for me and when I protested he shrugged and said “But your not my Mum”… he was darn lucky i wasnt because I surely would ahve tossed him out the window

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- - ella12 said
  - 23 Aug 2016
    4:47 pm
Thank you so much for sharing.

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- - mom186025 said
  - 30 May 2016
    6:28 am
congratulations on your first Mother’s Day and hope you have many more to come. I have also had my first Mother’s Day and although I didn’t do much it was a special dayball the same

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- - mom92217 said
  - 23 May 2016
    3:03 pm
This is beautiful thank you for sharing

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- - BellaB said
  - 16 May 2016
    4:30 pm
I could almost have written this myself.

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- - sharna_booth_weinrowski said
  - 15 May 2016
    9:25 am
I wish i had a mothers day that was special. It always ends up cancelled or we fight

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- - curlytops said
  - 13 May 2016
    8:44 pm
Your first mothers day is special as you do do a lot of thinking about the meaning of it for you. I hope you had a lovely day.

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- - rovermum said
  - 11 May 2016
    12:12 pm
Being a Mum for me is my greatest challenge. It is the hardest job I’ve ever done, but hard in terms of processing information, knowing what to do, learning on the run, being so in love with your child that you want to do it right, intense feelings, relationships with so many different people/groups. My greatest and hardest challenge, but also the best.

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- - mom134803 said
  - 07 May 2016
    2:40 am
Sorry to hear your mum wasn’t able to show you the love you needed ! The fact that you didn’t feel instant connection with your child might well have it’s root in this. But reading your story I’m glad you were able to break that circle and love and cherish your girl. Well done mum and happy first Mothers Day !

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- - Missey Grace said
  - 06 May 2016
    10:00 pm
Congratulations! It takes courage to share such a raw feeling about your own mum, but determine to be a good mum to your daughter. Well done.

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- - mom101628 said
  - 05 May 2016
    11:02 am
Mother’s Day always brings mixed feelings for me – terrific ones that I have shared with my children and regretful ones for what might have been with my own mother. I don’t think she was unloving mother, just was for some reason unable to show that side of her. Can’t even remember her kissing my dad, let alone me. So I made sure my kids had the best mother I could be and one who showed her feelings.

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- - Tinarh said
  - 02 May 2016
    7:49 pm
As a mum who struggled theough 9 years of trying to have a baby, through 4 miscarriages of 5 babies, through testing, through the well intentioned but awful ‘it was meant to be’ comments I agree that Mothers Day makes me think of my mum. I am so sorry you do not have a close bond with your mum, for I cherish mine. I have never had a doubt that my mum will have my back, will support me even if she doesnt agree with my decision.
I want to be this mum for my child

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- - mom19782016 said
  - 01 May 2016
    10:46 am
Best wishes on your first Mother’s Day – it will be a special time for you. I hope you make some lovely memories and traditions for yourself and your child.

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- - damish70 said
  - 29 Apr 2016
    5:39 pm
Congratulations on your first Mothers Day! Don’t be too hard on your Mum as I’m sure she looked upon you lovingly just as you do to your daughter. Some people just don’t make the best parents. You won’t make the same mistakes as she did. Just be you.

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- - mom113991 said
  - 28 Apr 2016
    11:43 pm
congratulations on your first mothers day

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- - mom160421 said
  - 25 Apr 2016
    11:14 pm
Congratulations on your first Mother’s Day. I’m sorry to hear that your relationship with your own mother was not good. As a child you didn’t have much say in how things turned out, but as an adult you can create a beautiful and solid relationship with your child.
- mom132973 replied
  
  27 Apr 2016 , 8:58 am
  Thank you! That’s exactly how I feel.
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- - rachelvk said
  - 25 Apr 2016
    11:26 am
Congratulations on your first Mothers Day!!! This will be my third Mothers day but my first as a mum of two having welcomed our second bub just 6 weeks ago. I think it is natural to worry about whether or not we will be great Mums, especially if your relationship with your own Mum is less than ideal. I hope you can enjoy your special day!
- mom90758 replied
  
  25 Apr 2016 , 1:28 pm
  Congratulations on your new baby!!
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- - Lori-Anne said
  - 25 Apr 2016
    2:19 am
Congratulations on your first Mothers Day. This Mothers Day is going to be very special for me… not only do I have my 9 year old son, I also have my 13 year old and 11 year old Stepsons and my brand new baby girl who is nearly 3 weeks old. Being a Mum has it’s highs and lows, its heartbreak and sheer joy. They are our children. Stay strong to who you are and who you want to be for your children. You can’t change the way your Mother is to you but you can be the best Mother to your children and hopefully that will be everything for them to get through life knowing that you love them and that you did your level best to be a good Mum.

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- - june11 said
  - 25 Apr 2016
    1:38 am
I know a Mum who has no contact with her own Mum at all as she treated her very badly, especially physologically. If she spots her Mum anywhere she panics and heads in the other direction regardless of where she is or what she is doing. Her Mum’s relatives aren’t much better. I have mixed memories of my late Mother, so good, some cruel; dreams and nightmares.
To all the Mothers reading this I hope you have a Happy Mothers Day.
The most important thing is your family spending quality time with you, not the presents or lack of.

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- - mom90758 said
  - 24 Apr 2016
    1:55 pm
Hi! What a powerful message you sent through your post.
I can relate to you about a couple of things.
First about the difficulties conceiving. My daughter was born through ICSI after 4 painful years. It was love at first sight when she was born. I think it will remain one of the sweetest moments in my life. She opening her eyes and looking at me. My husband and I singing to her and she recognizing our voices (or at least we thought so!). After 20 minutes I could breastfeed her and that was an extra-special connection. She’s 13 years old now and the love has just grown.
Second I relate to your childhood story. I don’t have any happy memory of my childhood either. I just remember a father that was never present and a mother that was just giving orders and hitting us if we didn’t do what she said. I don’t remember a kiss, a hug, a reward for something good I did. Only punishment and negativity. I didn’t cut her completely out of my life like you did. I still write to her sometimes. But I moved away. She lives in Europe so I never get to see her. I don’t phone her, never. I did it at the beginning, but her criticism on the phone was making me so nervous that I decided to stop. Just letters, via normal mail. They take a long time to reach Europe. When post from her arrives, sometimes I don’t open it for days. If I see that I am a little down, I prefer to wait a couple of days. I often need to be “strong” to read what she writes. Letters give me more power on the way I let her voice influence my life, I hope you understand what I mean. And I wonder too if there was a time when she loved me. It must have happened at some moment. But if it did happen, she never showed it to me.
Well, in my relationship with my daughter, I am completely the opposite. No day passes without me telling my daughter, and showing her, how much I love her and how much happiness she has brought into my life. I would have liked to hear it too when I was a child. But we can’t change the past, can we?
I wish you a first wonderful Mother’s Day!

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