Last time I wrote an article the police ended up at my house. That was over three years ago. People were genuinely concerned that I would kill myself. This is what happened whilst I was overcoming depression.
I had recently given birth to my first child. The birth experience was very traumatic. I almost died. I was bedbound for two long days, unable to pick up my child as a new mum. After four days in hospital the midwife told me it could only get better. It didn’t.
My partner at the time was quite absent in the first weeks following birth. He would leave the house to spend quality time with a close friend of mine. I was aware that they were intimate and in my post-pregnancy depressive mind I figured it had to be that way. I didn’t want to tell him not to do it for fear he would leave. Then they started talking about getting a rental together. I didn’t want my new family to be broken so I begged to go with them. Baby and I were refused.
I wasn’t mentally well, clearly. At the time I wanted to disappear. It was all a bit too much. But I had a newborn that needed me. So I pushed through. I had no choice. Yet the police still came to the house to make sure I was safe from myself. They were convinced I’d be okay.
When baby was 5 weeks old my partner said goodbye and never returned to the house. My family was broken. I wanted to disappear even more. First time mum, experiencing a breakup and loss of a close friend. Who could blame me for not wanting to feel anymore? But I had to. For baby’s sake.
During a routine checkup I was diagnosed with postpartum depression. I felt like a failure. I started therapy and it was then discovered I had general depression, anxiety and trauma. I couldn’t parent with all that in my mind and realised it was affecting my baby’s development. I needed to stop sobbing and start getting better. Bad things happened where I had little choice, but I did have the choice to mentally deal with it.
It was hard work. Two years of constant therapy, groups and then the addition of medication. Whatever helped remove the demons that got in the way of parenting. It was a hard battle. A lot of things came up that was difficult to deal with, but I came out the other end a winner.
Now I’m happily married (to someone else) and another baby on the way. And my first child is well developed and living a secure and happy life.
I fought for my sanity and the painful journey to overcoming my depression was worth it.
Life is okay.
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