So many nights when I was up at 4am in the morning in tears desperately googling trying to find someone, anyone who felt like I did, I pretty much came up with nothing. So I am sharing my story so that if there are others out there they can feel like they aren’t alone. There is a lot of talk nowadays about children with sensory processing disorders but there is little acknowledgement of adults who were born before the days of diagnosis. Mostly we were just regarded as difficult. I remember as a kid that grocery shops would make feel dizzy and ill, they were bright, and cold and overwhelming.
Jump forward and as an adult most of my sensory issues are in my skin. I have crazy sensitive skin. Holding onto something cold is agony. When I am sick my skin prickles like its being jabbed by millions of little needles… and ahem…. sex… well it’s a fine line, my skin can get so over sensitised that I can no longer bear to be touched at all, even sheets or clothes hurt at that point. But I didn’t realise how much this would have an affect on breastfeeding.
You know that feeling you get when nails a scratched down a chalk board. Thats how breast feeding made me feel. It felt like millions of ants were crawling all over my skin every time I attached. I can’t even express how awful it was. But there is so much pressure on women to breastfeed otherwise they are poisoning their babies so I stuck at it. And it sent me into a very dark place. So there I would be at 4am googling, so mad at myself for feeling this way, why wasn’t it the magical experience everyone described??? I was always so touch overloaded during these periods that I struggled, clothes hurt, my husband couldn’t touch me at all, even hold my hand because it hurt. And yet when I looked for info or support it just wasn’t around. There isn’t a lot of talk about it, some of the darker sides to breastfeeding and I think its a mistake as it makes women feel desperately alone. And I think breastfeeding is beautiful, I look at pictures of mothers breastfeeding and it is the most beautiful thing in the world, but then the thought of breastfeeding myself makes me shudder and feel ill. I hope that we can begin to talk about the good and the bad and support women through both so they don’t have to go through the darkness alone like I felt I did.
Posted anonymously, 8th October 2015