I used to think that people who described themselves as lonely in a crowd were either not with the right people or overly dramatic. Then I became a single mother.
I was pregnant and gave birth when I was 19 (I’m now 21 and my son is 1.5) to a man who could care less about his child and even less about me, though he has since stepped up to the plate and he’s a fantastic dad. I had moved on with a wonderful man who tried his hardest even after we found out that I was six months pregnant. He wanted to be there for me and he was so good until my son was 2 months old. I knew it was hard for him and that’s when everything unraveled so quickly. Before I knew it, we had broken up and I was alone. We stayed friends even after, but I still wanted him. I still do to this day and it’s been a year since we broke up. He knows how I feel, but he’s trying his best to move on and find someone new. I wish him all the happiness in the world, though I wish I could be the one to give it to him.
When I found out I was pregnant, everyone wanted to be my friend and spend time with me. Naively, I thought that’s what it would still be like after my son was born. Boy was I wrong! When the novelty of a newborn was over, they all just disappeared. I had as many friends as I could count on one hand and even they disappeared after I was hospitalised with severe post natal depression. When I was out, I was okay for about 8 or 9 months, then I could feel myself slipping again. I’ve sunk back into my depression and having so few friends makes it so much worse. I hate going out because I feel like people are judging me all the time even when they aren’t. My self esteem and confidence are at an all time low and I feel like I’m drowning.
14 years ago on April 27th, when I was 8 years old, my mother was killed and I am the one who feels it the most outwardly of my entire family. The month leading up to the anniversary is always the hardest and it’s when my mood is the most unpredictable. It’s because of this, however, that I can think about how I feel and put them down into words. I know that this is what makes my depression worse too. It’s like the emotional equivalent of being skinned alive and having salt rubbed in the wounds. It has made me think about what I feel like I need, though. I need people who will be there even when it feels like I’m not. I need to feel like I am loved by someone who isn’t my son. I love him to pieces, but I need someone just for me. It probably sounds like an unrealistic ideal to most, but it’s the only way I can describe it. I need a family who just tells me to get over how I feel and who never remember the date of mum’s death. I need them to understand that I feel so completely alone that I feel like curling up on the floor and crying.
I know that it will all get better, but right now, I’m at a very low point in my life.
Posted by noxx, 21st April 2015