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I used to think that people who described themselves as lonely in a crowd were either not with the right people or overly dramatic. Then I became a single mother.
I was pregnant and gave birth when I was 19 (I’m now 21 and my son is 1.5) to a man who could care less about his child and even less about me, though he has since stepped up to the plate and he’s a fantastic dad. I had moved on with a wonderful man who tried his hardest even after we found out that I was six months pregnant. He wanted to be there for me and he was so good until my son was 2 months old. I knew it was hard for him and that’s when everything unraveled so quickly. Before I knew it, we had broken up and I was alone. We stayed friends even after, but I still wanted him. I still do to this day and it’s been a year since we broke up. He knows how I feel, but he’s trying his best to move on and find someone new. I wish him all the happiness in the world, though I wish I could be the one to give it to him.
When I found out I was pregnant, everyone wanted to be my friend and spend time with me. Naively, I thought that’s what it would still be like after my son was born. Boy was I wrong! When the novelty of a newborn was over, they all just disappeared. I had as many friends as I could count on one hand and even they disappeared after I was hospitalised with severe post natal depression. When I was out, I was okay for about 8 or 9 months, then I could feel myself slipping again. I’ve sunk back into my depression and having so few friends makes it so much worse. I hate going out because I feel like people are judging me all the time even when they aren’t. My self esteem and confidence are at an all time low and I feel like I’m drowning.
14 years ago on April 27th, when I was 8 years old, my mother was killed and I am the one who feels it the most outwardly of my entire family. The month leading up to the anniversary is always the hardest and it’s when my mood is the most unpredictable. It’s because of this, however, that I can think about how I feel and put them down into words. I know that this is what makes my depression worse too. It’s like the emotional equivalent of being skinned alive and having salt rubbed in the wounds. It has made me think about what I feel like I need, though. I need people who will be there even when it feels like I’m not. I need to feel like I am loved by someone who isn’t my son. I love him to pieces, but I need someone just for me. It probably sounds like an unrealistic ideal to most, but it’s the only way I can describe it. I need a family who just tells me to get over how I feel and who never remember the date of mum’s death. I need them to understand that I feel so completely alone that I feel like curling up on the floor and crying.
I know that it will all get better, but right now, I’m at a very low point in my life.


Posted by noxx, 21st April 2015


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  • So very sorry for everything you’re going through, and have been for a very long time. Do you feel talking to people online helps at all, or do you need someone in person? I’ve had to resort to online mostly, as like you, my real life friends disappeared too. I found that even though it’s not the same, it can actually be better online as you can find people from all over the world that have similar problems or simply understand and are amazing to talk to. It helps the whole not being able to go out without feeling judged thing, too. Even if it’s temporary, it can really help get through the roughest of times. I don’t know what I’d do without some of my online friends.

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  • I am sorry for your loss and it must be really hard not only being a single mum , but the fact having depression makes things 10 times worse. One thing great is that you are aware and now to make yourself feeling good again , you must seek professional help. The best thing to do is visit a trusty GP and explain your feelings and then he will refer you on to a psychologist if necessary . Do not let the depression define who you are. Have faith that it will get better no matter how crap you feel and that you deserve the best in life. Even if you can ring Lifeline or Beyond Blue , that small step will give you a relief that you have been waiting for and you will feel isolated once you get the right people to help you . Please also consider joining a support group when you start feeling better so that you will surround yourself with others who will understand and who share similar experiences . All the best :)

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  • I can feel the pain in your story. I’m so sorry that all of this has happened to you. Isolation makes things so difficult to deal with. I would also talk to your GP, and also discuss the possibility of maybe getting a counsellor in place to help you work out a path. When we are feeling this way often an external professional can help us map out a path to feeling better that we can’t see at the time. It sounds bizarre, but wherever you go,
    Like to the supermarket etc engage in dialogue with others like just a simple hi, how was your day to the supermarket assistant. You would be surprised at what dialogue those simple things can open up.

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  • Thanks for sharing and it’s upsetting that you aren’t doing well. It is hard to make friends when you have kids and it can get lonely. Mothers groups might help.

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  • I am saddened to hear your story and thanks for being brave and sharing it with everyone on Mom’s. You are not alone and I suggest you seek some help and support with your depression. Initially go to your GP and discuss how you are feeling and they can link you in with support groups and help you in many ways. There is a lot of grief to deal with and there is no timeline for grief. It is not as easy as ‘get over it’. Your physical and emotional health is a top priority and through support groups there is social connection and support too. Wishing you well.

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  • Thank you for sharing you story. I’m honestly so saddened reading this, how tough things must be as a single mum! I have an 8 month old and even with lots of support in find it hard. You actually have a lot of insight realising when it’s tougher (leading up to your mum’s anniversary). I hope you do find someone just for you :) it’s not too much to hope for. Keen doing the great job you already are!

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  • I’m so sorry you are feeling at such a low point. I’m also sorry your family and friends aren’t there for you? Are you still getting help for your depression? I hope you are.
    Have you tried joining some Mums group to make friends with some other parents. It must be tough as a single mum.

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