The Loss of a dream. ... - Real Mum story on MoM

In exactly two days I will be turning 27 years old. … that’s six years since the start of my dream. …

When I was 21. .. I had my 20 week ultrasound and came out in tears. .. My mother and my mother in law just looked at each other and said in perfect unison- “It’s a boy!”. The day he was born was the happiest day of my life. … As soon as I saw him I fell in love. .. and no more tears were shed.

At age 24. … a miscarriage later I was ecstatic when I found out I was pregnant again! I wandered around the shops looking at all the gorgeous baby dresses and smiling at every gorgeous little girl I saw. I couldn’t resist the temptation to buy just a few pretty things. … Then at my 20 week ultrasound the technition asked what I was hoping for? “A little girl hopefully” I said as I smiled. “No matter, you can try again..” was the technicians reply as they patted my arm. This time I didn’t cry. Oh well- I’m only young. .. we’ll just have to have 3 or 4 kids I joked. … When he was born I had a little bit of trouble attaching to him. … For some reason he just didn’t feel like my child. … 2 years on and I can’t imagine my life without him :-).

Humming and arrrghing over whether I wanted to try for a third. .. I tried to weigh up my chances of conceiving a little girl compared to the chance of it being another boy. … Well my husbands mother had 2 boys then 2 girls, my mother had a boy then 2 girls then a boy. .. My younger sister had a girl then a boy and my cousins wife also had a baby girl. I decided that since my own mother had a good mix then I surely would get a mix too!

This time it wasn’t easy to get pregnant. .. It took more than 6 months for it to happen this time. … By the time I finally fell pregnant I was over the moon. … This is my last one I thought to myself. … This time is so different to the last time that its surely a little girl! I chose the perfect girls name. … I hand sewed a gorgeous baby quilt. .. I lovingly looked at my baptism gown from when I was a baby. .. and tried to imagine my baby daughter in it. … I just felt like it was a little girl this time!

Then it finally came time for my 20 week ultrasound! I was so excited I could hardly wait! The ultrasound technician asked if we wanted to know what bub was and I immediately said Yes! I’ve been waiting so impatiently to find out if Im having a girl this time! She made me wait all the way until the end to tell me “Nope, its another boy”. I just went silent. Then she said “Yep- its definitely a boy- there’s no mistaking it” I then couldn’t control myself as the tears fell from my eyes and rolled down my cheeks. … The harder I tried to stop the worse it got. .. I went into full-blown gut-wrenching sobs. .. The technician looked at me then back to my husband and said “She’s not seriously upset is she?” in complete disbelief. Then she said to me “You’re lucky you have a healthy baby. .. I scan women here everyday that can’t fall pregnant”. … I left the room ashamed and in tears. .. I just couldn’t help it.

Then the next day I went shopping to try and cheer myself up. … I picked up a silver baby brush and just burst into tears. … Imagining having a little girl to comb their darling hair. … Then I thought to myself- this is just rediculous! Why shouldn’t a boy also have a nice hairbrush so I bought the silver set and silver baby rattle. .. On the way out I looked longingly at a Victorian dollhouse and felt sad at the thought that I will never be buying one to put in a little girls room. …

When I got home that night I decided to clean up my room as I had to occupy my mind with something else. … I of course found my baptism baby gown and the tiny crochet baby hat with organza trailing ribbons and white flower. … I just sat there weeping and stroking the hat. … And thinking. .. Why me? Why does everyone else around me have girls????. … And it certainly didn’t help seeing my hubbys younger sisters announcement over facebook shouting that she’s having a girl a couple of days prior. … When I saw that I thought why couldn’t she have waited until I had my scan. .. I’m after all due with my bub a whole week before her. …

I sat there crying and just thinking. .. I can’t let go of my dream. .. I just can’t. … But 3 high risk pregnancies and being so ill. … I don’t really want to go again. …

So now I’m trying to figure out another boys name. … not very successfully. … one minute I’m fine and the next. .. the sadness creeps in. … I’m trying my best to feel happy with having 3 boys. …but its really, really hard. ….

I’ve even contemplated adopting a little girl. … but then I’d feel sad that she doesn’t look a thing like me. … So somehow- I just have to lay my dream to rest. … because not everyone’s dreams come true. ……. …. ….

Posted by preggiegoddess01, 19th November 2013

8 Comments

- - ChiWren said
  - 28 Sep 2024
    2:55 pm
It’s brave to put your feelings out there, but I believe we shouldn’t have expectations on what we want in pregnancy. A healthy baby should be top on the list

- - serotonin said
  - 13 Feb 2016
    10:32 pm
Thanks for sharing, it’s not easy venting sometimes, especially when there are people who say you shouldn’t feel that way.

- - pamela preece said
  - 20 Nov 2013
    9:03 pm
I can understand the disappointment when you are hoping for a certain sex. I’ve had 4 girls but with high risk pregnancies the disappointment lasted a couple of minutes and then i thought more positive thoughts like well at least the baby is doing ok for now and i will be able to buy more pretty clothes. I have always wanted a little boy but at the end of the day that wasn’t to be. I’m just thankful to be lucky enough to have any children at all. Each and every one of us deal with things differently. You will be ok hun. xxx

- - preggiegoddess01 said
  - 20 Nov 2013
    5:02 pm
I didn’t write my story for sympathy. ..I wrote it to get it all off my chest and so that I myself can move forward and feel healed. Obviously some women have no compassion to be able to emphasise with someone when they feel broken. I myself haven’t exactly had an easy life. Ive faced bullying and harrasment in the workplace for the last few years. … In my profession all I do is give, give and give until theres hardly any of myself left at times. … And I can’t even count the number of times I’ve held someones hand and offered them support over trivial matters. Each of my pregnancies has resulted in weekly emergency visits, IV fluids, excruciating back pain and sciatic pain in both my legs and hips so that I can barely walk this time. … Blood pressure of 200/160. .. with the first one etc. … I have been quite ill. … For me I’m grieving the loss of my dream at the moment. .. and while I know it won’t last forever- for me the pain is very real. … Its as real as if I’ve lost a baby because to me I’ve suffered a loss- I will never ever have a daughter. .. I’m not upset about having boys. They are darling and I love them- It is the fact that I’ve always longed for a daughter and am surrounded by friends and relatives of daughters that it really cuts me at times- Just like someone who can’t have a child- I can’t have a daughter. … Everyone has something which causes them pain and for me- this is mine and I’m working through it as best as I can.
- mom57522 replied
  
  09 Jan 2015 , 2:24 pm
  It’s the sadness of giving up a dream.
- - cinta said
  - 20 Nov 2013
    12:42 pm
You should just be greatful you can have kids!!!!! and I have a friend who has 10 sons YES 10 boys she loves them all she would have loved a girl but she never cried over the fact she has boys!!!

- - melzie313 said
  - 19 Nov 2013
    10:34 pm
i am a mum of 2 healthy boys and i couldnt be more happy! i myself have always wanted a little girl to dress up., but that didnt end up happening, both my pregnancies i had hyperemesis gravidarum and had to be hospitlised. i wont be going back for another due to the risk of being so sick, i wont lie i was upset that i wasnt having a girl… but then i look around at a family member and a close friend who would do anythingto have a bub no matter the gender, i am ever so grateful for my 2 little boys and we are both lucky to be able to experience pregnancy.. i wish you all the best and enjoy your 3 bundles of joy!

- - katelt said
  - 19 Nov 2013
    4:11 pm
Sorry but I cannot sympathise. You are so blessed to have the children you do. To be able to um and ahh over the choice of another pregnancy would be bliss. For those of us who have struggled through the pain of watching all our friends have children whilst we cannot conceive, or if we can conceive go through the horror of suffering multiple miscarriages, being all depressed and miserable over the sex of your child is incomprehensilbe.