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Recently I was scrolling through the responses on a Facebook page to a mother who asked for tips and a bit of reassurance around her decision to put her toddler into childcare.

Her daughter was not happy, cried each morning at drop-off and generally had problems with adjusting.

She felt torn by mother guilt, as though she was making the wrong decision, but also wondered whether this was all a normal part of adjusting to childcare and she should stay firm.

Are You A Judgey McJudgey?

Most of the responses were positive, in fact overwhelmingly so. But there was that critical minority that took it upon themselves to get all Judgey McJudgerson on this mother. “Stay at home if you can”, advised one woman before adding, “I would always put the emotional well-being of my child first” (inference: you clearly don’t). Another woman suggested that the original poster reconsider their life choices and what it really important in life because “they are only little once” (inference: don’t be short-sighted, stay at home!).

In my own experiences I’ve come across some judging too of my own use of childcare – all from other women.

I’ve had someone gasp “so soon!?” when I said my son was going into childcare at twelve months so I could return to work.

Another asked how many hours he was going to childcare and then exclaimed that “that’s an awful lot of time away from mum for such a little tot”. And my personal favourite – an inspirational quote someone shared with me: “we live two lives; one for us and one for our children”.

I’ve learnt to dodge commentary by front-loading my explanation that my son goes to childcare with financial justifications. Unfortunately, I don’t have a money tree in the backyard so off he goes to care! It’s not possible to take more than two years maternity leave without losing my job so off he goes to care! That pesky rent won’t pay itself so off he goes to care!



Why Do I Do It?

While these are all true points, my son really goes to care for two central underlying reasons.

Firstly, I need something that reminds me I am a person outside of the sometimes all-consuming role of mother and that engages the skills I took seven years at university to learn.

Secondly, I also want to show my son that we are blessed to live in a society where people can do whatever they want if they set their minds to it. For me, that means worker and mother. For others, that means stay at home mum. And that’s perfectly hunky dory ok. I never say any of these things though. I feel shamed into thinking my personal needs are somehow selfish or beside the point.

But why should I or any other working woman feel ashamed for their choices?

It’s 2018 for goodness sake! Wasn’t that the whole point of the feminist movement, that women had the right to choose? I don’t mind if someone stays at home so why should someone mind that I don’t?

These are choices and we should all – men and women alike – be celebrating each and every one because women have exercised their right to make them.

I find it odd that the harshest critics of women are often other women. Why is that so hard for some of us to pat each other on the back?

The life I have chosen comes with benefits and sacrifices but so does every choice in parenting. It is a give and take relationship, like all relationships. And it is in that exchange that the relationship can become richer and more vibrant, complex and fulfilling for all parties involved. I want my son to understand that. I want him to have that in his life.

I’m sorry if there are people out there who think this is not the very best I can do for my child because, on the whole, I think it works pretty awesomely for us.

Image courtesy of Shutterstock.com
  • This is interesting! Thank you for sharing this!

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  • I think people should stop judging others for the decisions they make for their own families!

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  • Thanks for this article. I had no option but to leave my little one in childcare and had so many negative responses from people. Keep your opinions to yourselves I say!

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  • exellent to read all this just great

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  • You should do what works for your family! I am a child care educator and see so many parents come in and say they are not sure. Personally my children started at 6 and 8 months and haven’t looked back. Child care is great for their development

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  • thanks for sharing. going to put my 11 month old into childcare when she turns 18 months.

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  • I’m all for doing whatever works for YOU and YOUR family. Judging on facebook – sadly in groups set up to support – is becoming way too common.

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  • it is really kool reading these

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  • I was told “would not like to tell people they are outsourcing the care of the child”. I’m Providing a good role model to my children, give them time and love. I’m a working mother not a lady who works.

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  • It’s definitely an individual choice when it comes to childcare, work etc. I don’t see the point in judging other women because they either have to or want to return to work. It’s not an easy choice for many women because of finances. It’s sad some people feel the need to judge situations they’re not in.

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  • good to read

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  • It grinds my gears seeing flippant ‘advice’ that undermines another parent. I don’t understand the point of it either… Do they think their comment about how ‘best’ to do things will change the mums mind? Why bother saying something? Is it actually for the purpose of making them feel bad?
    I have learnt not to take some comments personally that literally are just the other persons experience, but on a bad day feel like a judgement. I’m so sorry some women have said these things to you, you are doing great:)

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  • Unfortunately we live in a society where it’s so easy to judge and be critical of other people and ourselves. There are so many ‘studies’, ‘evidence’ about different parenting techniques that you get caught up with thinking “am I doing this right, is this the right way”, because the last thing you want is to look silly or be judged by other mothers. We should be acknowledging everyone has different views and ways in how they want to raise their own children and encouraging them, NOT judging them for doing something different. I must admit that I’ve thought a few judgemental comments to myself (not out loud) and you have to stop yourself and think what if that was me….. Being a parent is hard, we do we make it harder for ourselves by being scared of what people will think?

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  • Yes I have felt judged… but sometimes to be frank. Most of that judgement comes from your own parenting insecurities than anything else.

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  • F**K the others opinons. This boils my blood more than anything. But alas with my first child i was miss judge judge of everyone else as well. It took me at least a year when i went against my morals because i had no other choice to them not judge others.

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  • Criticism should be diplomatic.
    We are all people in this journey of life.
    Diversity makes us human.
    Do what is right for you and your family.

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  • Every one has there own opinions but the way you express it to others should be done nicely as their opinions can be different and in most cases there is no wrong and right answer.

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  • Every person has their own views and rarely 2 will agree on everything.
    Do what is best for your family and ignore all the others.

    I was a stay at home mum and also got negatives about not working at all, or helping with family finances. So you can never win.

    You keep your family happy is what matters, and you are part of that family too, so your happiness counts too.

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  • Well said , Meagan!People will judge you no matter what you do.At the end of day , if you had done what it’s the best for you and your family , this is all that maters.Every family is different and obviously the needs are different.Some women can be stay hone mums , others can not afford it.People should not judge you only because you haven’t done the same thing as they did.

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  • I suppose if you ask for advice and suggestions, you are going get a whole assortment of views. Pay attention to the positive ones.

    Reply

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