You were coming from a good place and hopefully in time your son will understand this. You didnt keep the secret to try and hurt him in anyway rather to protect him.
We are always wiser in hindsight but the truth is you dont know how it would have impacted him being honest from the start. Its no good dealing with “what ifs”

I can understand your original dilemma and not wanting to tell your son about his real father, however he could still have been told that your husband was not his biological father in a gentle way because I feel that that is the real shock issue here for your son. With luck your sone will come round to understanding why you did what you did and who knows, one day even forgive you for it – but only time will tell. It is a shock to learn that those you trust haven’t been truthful no matter what age one finds out.

Such a difficult dilemma. I don’t think you were wrong initially, but you should have planned to tell him sooner – perhaps when he entered his teens. But I don’t honestly think there would have been a “good” time for this conversation.

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  • • Ellen replied
    • 30 Oct 2022 , 8:57 am

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  No matter the timing, this would have been a hard conversation. But the longer you wait, the harder it becomes and the larger the damage becomes from hiding this info

It’s a very difficult decision you had to make. I hope your son soon realises why you didn’t tell him in the first place and lets you explain your reasons. At least you know he’s safe with his friend and I think all you can do right now is give him the space he has asked for.

That’s so tough. Ultimately we have to make decisions that are best for our kids.

Lies are never a good idea. You should always be truthful to children no matter what the circumstance is. You can always find a way to explain things as it could result in trust issues down the track when the truth comes out like this instance.

Lies don’t help anyone and they always come out. It’s the one thing my family understand I hate more than anything. Whilst coming from a good place, it’s not okay ever to lie.

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  • • Ellen replied
    • 28 Oct 2022 , 8:54 am

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  Yes, I agree with you

I get trying to protect your child but tgis was handled completely wrong in my opinion.
It would have be better to let him know his dad was his bio father early on, you don’t have to delve deep into who/where bio dad is until hes old enough to need to know (now). But hiding his adopted by his dad is never going to end well from what I’ve seen.

We’d probably all like to hide from our mistakes but you’d have to know this conversation would happen at some point in your child’s life. No matter what age the child gets the information is new to them, whether a child or mature adult, and the way they handle the situation could vary vastly. It sounds like your son is a young adult and still learning about himself and having this new information is likely overwhelming. With time he may come to understand that you were trying to protect him, but you also denied him the chance to have time with his dad, and took away his choice. You also took the choice away from the dad.

Hard one because she was only trying to protect him and give him a normal life.

I think it’s always better to be honest sooner rather than later.

I definitely think honesty would of been the best option.

I think this Mom did right, as in this case the father is a criminal. I would want to shield my son from the truth too. The son is now older and should be able to face the truth given time.

I can understand wanting to protect your son but I think being upfront and honest before this would have been better.

To me honesty is always the best policy.

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  • • Ellen replied
    • 26 Oct 2022 , 8:37 am

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  Yes I agree, the price of not being honest is high

She should have told him a long time ago. My husband is not the biological father of our daughter, but she is the only dad she has ever known. We started laying the ground work when she was very young, explaining that sometimes dad and father are the same person and sometimes they are not. When she was old enough to comprehend, we told her that her dad was not her father. I did tell her about her father and his name, etc. She has never wanted to meet him and he has never tried to meet her. If that changes, that is for her. I would never have lied to her because this is the exact problem I was wanting to avoid. If kids can’t trust their parents to be completely honest, then of course it causes a rift. I would have loved to pretend my ex didn’t exist, but I also knew that the truth would out one day, better she here it from me.

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  • • Ellen replied
    • 26 Oct 2022 , 8:47 am

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  You did well and therefor have your child’s trust

I’m not sure there is ever a right way to handle a tough situation like this. The way you chose to handle it was right for you but right now it isn’t right for your son. I hope he comes around and understands why you did what you did but he may not. You need to respect, understand and support him no matter how hard it is for you. Essentially you have lied to him his entire life, you can’t expect him to be ok with that right now. I have a friend who has a 9 year old daughter, who thinks she is an IVF donor conceived child. She isn’t and her personality now suggests a very nasty time for her mum when she finds out the truth. Especially when she realises she has a dad and siblings living in the same city, dad doesn’t know about her because relationship broke down before mum was aware she was pregnant.

hard call – but you have to consider the child’s age/maturity when confiding this. am sure the child will come round.

This is a tough one and you did what you thought was best at the time to protect your son. While your son is feeling hurt and shocked right now I think he will eventually come round and realise that it was done out of a place of love……………. he just might need some time…

Although painful and hard, probably I would have gone for the truth