I was 22years old with my first baby and she was a nightmare. She had bad colic and would cry all the time. People think I am making it up when I say that she would cry for hours and then sleep for 20mins if i was lucky. We had been to several Doctors and colic was what we were told. When she woukd stop crying and sleep I had to decide if I should do washing, eat or sleep. Most often sleep won out so I lost so much weight and became a stick figure because i honestly had no time to eat. One day she cried for 12hours straight so we took her to the emergency Doctors and was told she had colic and was fine. My friend who had a baby 3 weeks after me came over with her blissful baby one day and I said “Its so hard as all she does is cry” …my friend say “oh i know….Its really hard with little babies isnt it?” ….her baby was asleep….then she went on to tell me that she and her husband had gone to the movies. I asked who looked after her son and she said “Oh no one….we took him with us. He just slept though the whole movie” …..she had no idea what i was talking about when i said my baby just cried and cried. Oh and she was 100% breast fed.

My second baby was a dream. She would sleep so well. I often said i could have had twins or even triplets of her and it would have been a breeze.

If you think a Mum is asking for advice not just making a strange comment I might say “I tried…..and ….” My final comment has always been “each Mum and child are individuals. What works for one often doesn’t work for others You can try the idea if you want to, the decision is yours”.

If people become judgy it is just down to their own insecurities. All you can do as you said is the best for your family, don’t compete with anyone. Who needs the added stress? I know I certainly don’t.

Motherhood is most definitely primal. I know I jump in like a wild mother bear if you hurt my babies, no second thoughts

Just say thanks for your advice and still do your own thing!

I love your last comments – I always tried to spend my time with the real mummies out there and I’m afraid I didn’t bother with the ones who seemed to know it all and try to put others down. Too much to do in my own busy life for that hassle.

Think Muma ahould help each other you see we are not all brought up in same family. Tips and help should be OK encouragement is far better way..

I think judgy Mums have always been around but we’re far more exposed to it now with social media. I often read comments in response to blogs and online articles that I find rude and offensive and I wonder why people feel the need to post them. If you think it, fine. No need to share it when someone has bared their soul. If that makes me judgy, sorry but if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say it. I love that the internet has allowed people to share their stories, and for the most part people are open and nice and have similar stories. I don’t like it when people try to drag someone down for the sake of it.

I don’t think it’s just mums who judge each other it’s just our culture in general unfortunately. We definitely like to cut each other down here in Australia.

To be honest I tend to stay around mum’s who are realistic and are there to offer you advice that helps not hinder.

Thank you. Your article hits home on so many points. I was one of those unlucky mums who couldn’t breast feed (it wasn’t my choice, there were health complications). I even had Nursing Mothers Association nurses tell me I just wasn’t trying and it would affect my baby’s health. If I was at the shops, I would hide in a cubicle in the parents room to bottle feed my bubs. My four sons are very healthy adults now, disproving that expert advice about formula.

And the school mums and their silly competitions, I experienced these when I picked my boys up from the school gate. I would turn up in jeans and t-shirt and be given a very wide gap between me and the fashion-plates all parading around while they waited for their darlings to leave school.

The experts are out there, hiding where you least expect to see them. I love complimenting new mums on their babies and just watching their faces light up. More people should try doing this.

I think that I have judged “who needs a bouncy castle at a 1 year old birthday party?” and been judged “stop exercising in your third trimester, it is diverting the blood flow away from the baby”. We all have our standards that can differ from others. It depends on the person and the relationship as to if an intervention is made.

• • 
  • • jodiev1980 replied
    • 19 Aug 2015 , 2:08 pm

  ---

  Yes but who cares if someone has a bouncy castle at a first birthday party? It’s not hurting you but you could hurt the person having the party if they heard you making that judgement.

For my first child, I was too afraid to join a mothers group or play group. By my fourth child, I had the confidence but not the desire. A lot of this isolation stemmed from Judgy Mummy comments I got when I was pregnant. Words are so powerful and unfortunately I’ve found these misguided comments are not always confined to mums with infants. What really matters is that our children are happy and healthy and safe and loved. Its taken a long time for me to stop believing hurtful words, like being told I was a neglectful parent (because my children didn’t know certain cartoon characters from a popular TV show) or because I never knew what it was really like to be pregnant because I’d never made it to 40 weeks before (I was 39 weeks,5 days pregnant with my 4th child at the time and she arrived the next day). I am an introvert and a perfectionist, and my belief in my children is what keeps me going now. Thank you for your article, it brought me comfort reading your conviction on making life a better place.

• • 
  • • mom85280 replied
    • 07 Apr 2015 , 5:44 pm

  ---

  It sounds like you are a wonderful mum. Don’t ever listen to “experts”. Your child’s smile and hugs and kisses are the only confirmation you need that you are doing the best job in the world.

we are all parents doing the same thing:-trying to raise our children the best way that we can. I try not to let the “judgy” mums get me down, but its only natural that we get our back bone up when others are insecure and judge the way we are raising our children or when we do something that they dont agree with.

Personally I never had time for the bossy, clicky, annoying mothers, life’s to short to waste time bickering and so on. Enjoy your life and encourage your children to enjoy there’s.

Motherhood as been the most challenging and interesting journey. And yes, mostly because of other mothers/parents and their comments, judgements, expertise, etc. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and I can only say that we must follow our gut instinct on what’s right for our child, not anyone else’s. Comparison also helps us define the kind of parent/mother/person we don’t want to be. I’m always intrigued by mothers whose child is perfect, better, most-talented and those mums who feel the need to share. I’m not one of those people, so have had a constant battle of biting my tongue at playgroup/mother’s group. I’ve had to weigh up what I did get out of that group interaction and try and block out the competitive nature of some of the mums. It doesn’t improve as your child gets older. I think there are those that feel the need to compare, spruik about their child’s abilities, vs those of us that don’t.

I avoided Mother’s Groups from the get-go. I just didn’t have time for other mother’s judgements and I’d heard horror stories!

And wow – what an incorrect comment that woman left on your Facebook page about colic and breastfeeding! I have two kids: one breastfed, one not. The one that was breastfed was infinitely more windy and pukey than the one that was bottlefed. Every child is different.

We do what we can to get through. We’re all rough enough on ourselves as parents. No need to have other mothers be rough on us too!

I think you are right those “perfect mums” are just as worried as the rest of us. They just have a better poker face.

It’s funny. I remember when my son was 6 weeks and going into my first mothers group class at Trecillian in a getting to know you class that went for 6 weeks and being soo nervous and scarred. My son was one of the only kids that slept but I was worried he was sleeping too much. Another mother was having issues with breast feeding another’s child would not sleep all week until he came to mother’s group and so on everyone had issues at some stage. By the end of our 6 weeks together our group catching up went to 4 we went through the good and bad we helped each other. We started as a group of 6 and now after 4 years and a second child each 3 of us still get together every month to catch up and see the kids growing is awesome. We bitch about our husbands, give advice, ask for advice and just watch as our kids happily play together. We don’t judge we just be there for each other. Honestly I don’t know what I would do without them and the relationships our kids have made over the years has been great.

yes i think that people have forgotten what their mothers have taught them- if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say nothing at all……