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Article Why children mirror their parents

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Last year Cameron (our then five-year-old son) and I were staying with my sister Dee and her nine-year-old daughter Aleksia at their holiday home. The kids were playing together when out of the blue Cameron exclaims “bloody hell!”

We all stopped what we were doing and looked at him and Dee and I tried not to laugh, even though it was quite funny. I wasn’t 100 percent sure of what I’d just heard, so I gently asked “what did you just say honey?” By this time Cameron had worked out that they were not good words so he tentatively replied “nothing”. I chose to leave it at that as I still didn’t know where he’d heard it and hoped it was just a one-time thing.

A few days later we’d returned home from our holiday and my husband Colin was talking on the phone. Cameron and I both clearly heard Colin say “bloody hell”! How funny! Since then I’ve become aware that Colin actually says it from time to time and neither of us had really noticed it until Cameron reflected it back! Once I knew where it had come from I had the talk with both of my boys!

Has your child cursed in public?

Hearing your child swear, curse or simply use impolite phrases, especially in public, is something every parent dreads. It’s even more confronting when your child is reflecting back the ‘colourful’ words you use! These reflections can be pretty funny and are generally easily dealt with by simply becoming more aware of your language and talking with your child about what is ‘appropriate’ language to use.

Right alongside these more obvious reflections, there are the subtle reflections that can often anger or even enrage parents, especially when they aren’t even aware that their child is merely reflecting something back.

Mirror neurons

Babies are born with vast numbers of ‘mirror neurons’ that help them to learn language, new behaviours and skills by imitation. Researchers suggest that in adults, mirror neurons may also be important for understanding the actions and intentions of other people, for empathy and for human self-awareness

Cameron is a wonderful little mirror for me. One of the things he does that can trigger a reaction in me is when we’re trying to get something done together like packing up his toys, getting ready for bed or eating his dinner, and he gets distracted and loses focus before we’re finished. This reflection can sometimes be HUGE for me on so many contradictory levels. Here are just a few:

First, of course I have to admit that I’m easily distracted. In fact, I love working on two or even three tasks at a time as I did while writing this article … (ok, now that I’ve finished responding to the email that popped up on my desktop while eating my yoghurt snack … where was I? … Oh yes, back to the article and the topic of distraction … chuckle, chuckle)

Second, and here’s the contradiction, while I am easily distracted I can also be really task focused and not fully experience the joy of being present to the moment as our son does. Even a tiny bug flying past can be wondrous and welcome distraction for Cameron when he’s brushing his teeth … BUT as you can imagine, not so much for me!

Third, my reaction reflects back my fears about a perceived lack of time, not getting things done and the rules I’ve set for myself and others about what is the ‘right’ behaviour! With work-life balance an issue for so many families – perhaps you can relate to getting a bit task focussed at times?

My child’s reflections of my nature can have a powerful impact on me. When Cameron becomes distracted from the tasks we’re working on, unless I am really present or in light-hearted mood, I often feel impatient, frustrated, annoyed, and sometimes I even become angry over the slightest thing. This is where I need to be careful as my behaviour can harm our relationship.

Slowing down and taking a breath

I find that when I take time out to focus on my breath and be more present, I can see the reflection for what it is and respond appropriately in the moment ­without going ‘wild’! But alas, I’m not perfect … and at times I do get angry and yell at Cameron, but after I calm down, I always say “I’m sorry” and try again. I use a technique I call the “do-over”. This is where I get a second chance to get it right. It really takes the pressure off me to be a perfect mother and helps Cameron learn that it’s OK for him to make mistakes, say sorry and try again and again and again. These are very empowering life skills I can model for him. Teaching kids life skills like making mistakes OK, being able to say “sorry”, and having the empathy to another go at making a wrong a right, go towards building a strong foundation for developing healthy relationships in life.

Perhaps after some reflection, like me you’ll be able to say

“Mirror, mirror in my child,

Thanks for the reflections that make me wild!

So that into me I can see,

Know myself, and be free!”

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Comments

  • It’s not just what the children from their parents but teachers or other pupils at school.
    A classic example was that I witnessed a teacher having a joke with a pupil and stuck her tongue out.
    If my kids did that I would not be impressed. Fortunately my younger kid wouldn’t poke his tongue out when an assessment was done on all kids at kindy. I informed the staff that we don’t do or encourage that.

    Reply

  • Oh how embarrassing once the kids get to be more understandable speech wise. Those words just slip out. Often, they don’t even learn them at home, so bad!

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  • Really quite an interesting article! Thanks for sharing this!

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  • Slowing down and breathing to be present in the moment is great advice

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  • Although my kids haven’t cursed they have come out with saying from people which sounds funny coming from someone so little

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  • Great reminder to be mindful parents as all my actions/ words as a mother get stored by my title one to use for the future.

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  • Thanks for sharing this interesting article.

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  • Listening to my boys talk (they must have been 3 and 5 respectively, one called the other a d***head. I had thought about who I know that says that. The next day, I mentioned to my mother that this had been said and she was surprised and asked who taught them that. “I don’t know mother,” was my response. When I arrived to pick the boys up, Mum admitted that she had said it off-handedly (which I knew about). She corrected her use of words and a discussion with all 3 children that I had meant this work was stricken from our vocabulary. Thank Goodness

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  • This hits home for me. I quite frequently say bugger it as a way to curb my swearing. It sounds funny when miss 3 is trying to get something to work and throws in the towel with a well timed and well pronounced bugger it! I guess the same can be said when we as the mother say something and then realize that you’ve heard it before and you realize that you sound just like your mother!

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  • this was a great article to read
    it’s informative and i liked it
    thanks for posting this

    • and of course our children mimic us because that is how they learn how to be human lol

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  • Now that our Naughties are starting to talk we’re trying to be very careful with what we say, although Miss Ollie said what honestly sounded like “d*ckhead” the other day — I’m blaming their Daddy for that one!!!

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  • I think it’s really important to say sorry to kids when you make a mistake.

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  • Taking a deep breath has saved many trying days with my son

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  • I can’t remember my daughter mirroring back language but she certainly mirrors back certain mannerisms of mine.

    • How cute… you have a mini me. We are so lucky to be parents kids are simply wonderful! thanks for your comment

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  • Good read thanks for the information

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  • The first time my daughter ‘reflected’ back at us was on a crowded aeroplane.

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  • we must always remember that I kids are watching and listening

    • I agree… the good news is that we can role model great things as well – like empathy, courage and joy… thanks for your comment

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  • I don’t recall our daughter ever mirroring us, maybe she did but with time I’ve forgotten. She did use a very naughty word once in public, copied another little girl who yelled out to her a certain phrase with that word in it, our daughter yelled it right back – I have never moved so quickly through a shopping centre as I did that day.

    • I’ve experienced this too with our son copying another child doing the wrong thing.
      This is how I asked him a few questions:
      1. did you know in your heart that it was wrong to throw dirt at that little girl?
      yes, but Peter did it first and I was copying Peter
      2. Why is it wrong to throw dirt at someone?
      because it can go in their eye and hurt

      That’s right, so when you know in your heart something is not right and could hurt someone else this is when you need to be a leader and not a follower. That way your friend Peter can follow you doing the right thing and make sure your friends are safe right?
      OK mum

      A few weeks later he came home proudly exclaiming “I was a leader and not a follower today, I didn’t copy Peter writing on the wall”

    Reply

  • Good read thank you for the information

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  • I have had some incidences of my kids mirroring me

    Reply
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