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Article Why I Don’t Teach My Kids To Share

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“That’s mine!”  “I want that!” Or maybe no words at all… a snatch, a shove, a push or a scream…tears and tantrums! As parents we want our children to share and be considerate of others.

What does this look like?

When an argument ensues, we take the toy from our child and give it to the other child saying “Johnny, you need to share!”

What does this teach our child? 

It teaches them that “sharing” is giving away the toy I was playing with and this may mean there is no sign of its return to me… no wonder the result is often tears or screams of protest.

Instead of teaching our children to “share” we can teach them to “take turns” and to “wait”

At home, introduce the words “take turns” and “wait” with toys and books.  You don’t even need to involve another child, yet…

  1. Car play – Give each car a turn to drive along a circuit. “Blue car is going first while orange car waits for a turn.” Drive the blue car around the circuit. “Now orange car is having a turn and the blue car will wait”.  Drive the orange car around the circuit.
  2. Doll play (or other stuffed toys) – Give each doll a turn at having a cuddle, feed each doll in turn, give each doll a ride in a stroller.
  3. Books –“Johnny’s turn to choose a book.  Mummy is going to wait for a turn after we finish reading this book.” Read the book. “Mummy’s turn to choose a book.  Johnny can listen and when it is finished you can have a turn to choose the next book.” Read the book.

Counting out loud can give a clear beginning and end to a “turn”.

  1. On the swing – “Johnny will have 10 pushes and then it is Sally’s turn.”  Push Johnny and count.  “Great waiting Sally, now it is your turn. Sally will have 10 pushes and then it is Johnny’s turn.”  Push Sally and count.
  2. On the backyard trampoline – “Sally will have 10 jumps and then it is Johnny’s turn”.  Sally jumps and counts. “Great waiting Johnny, now it is your turn.  Johnny will have 10 jumps and then it is Sally’s turn.”   Johnny jumps and counts.
  3. When cooking – “Johnny will stir the mixture 5 times and then it is Sally’s turn.” Johnny stirs and counts. “Great waiting Sally, now it is your turn.  Sally will stir the mixture 5 times and then it is Johnny’s turn”.  Sally stirs and counts.

These strategies can be applied to many different situations. Once you show them to your child, they will be able to use these words and the concepts of “turn taking” and “waiting”. Teaching your child these strategies can help your child to understand the expectations of “sharing”.  It teaches them how to “share” and negotiate with other children.  It takes time and repetition, but it does happen.

Do your kids have trouble “sharing”?  Have you shown them how to take turns and wait?

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Comments

  • sharing is caring,teach children young,if something belongs to a specific child,its important that he/she gets it back,set bounderies,its good to explain to take turns,explaing johnny would like a look when ur finished plz,most of the time johnny is listening and taking it in.if you sit back and watch,most of the time they try to co-operate,with so much greed in the world,it is up to us,parents,grandparents,child care workers,anyone who cares to share.i was taught to share,i taught my children to share,now im helping my grandchildren to share,or to wait their turn,lets face it,alot of adults don’t share the time of day,try to be a good role model,to your children,as well as adults,i think sharing is good,waiting ur turn teaches patience,better to show them whilst still young.

    • Sharing, caring, patience… All good attributes to mode. Thanks for your comment.

    Reply

  • these are really good ideas
    thanks for sharing

    Reply

  • Love these ideas, so many mums i know are worried about there children not sharing but you are 100% correct taking something from one child giving it to another and telling them to “share” is not teaching children fairness and respect for each other your tips are great , thanks for sharing and will remember these when the arguments arise over “sharing” thanks again 🙂

    Reply

  • An interesting and so obvious I wonder why I didn’t think of it. Sometimes it just takes someone else to point it out, instead of just going by rote the same as most everyone else does. I always feel like the big bad meany taking something away after I’ve told my kids to share 🙁

    Reply

  • what a diplomatic way to teach kids to wait their turn.

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  • This article teaches us a different way to use the word “share” and do it a different way to other parents including myself, so a great read.

    Reply

  • some very good tips thanks

    Reply

  • This is a great article and is very different that what it’s title implies! There is some sound advice here.

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  • Yes I completely agree. I have seen this happen time & time again when a child is happily playing with something & another child approaches demanding “share”. That is not sharing & I have never condoned that type of behaviour.
    Turn-taking has been something that I have encouraged for years ( ex childcare educator) & am encouraging with my 3 year old who doesn’t like to share because he knows the real meaning behind “share” with kids who demand & take.

    • Childcare educators are great at encouraging turn taking. Thanks for your comment.

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  • Great ideas and a new way of saying share really.

    • Your right, it really is defining “sharing” in a different way. Thanks for your comment.

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  • What a wonderful article. I loved reading this and agree taking turns and waiting is a great thing to teach the young. thanx. 🙂

    Reply

  • I loved your article filled with great advice & practical tips.

    Reply

  • An interesting read with useful tips

    Reply

  • It’s a very interesting point

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  • This article has brought a new light to the way I’m going to parent my child. I was going to teach him to ‘share’ but not anymore. I will definitely be taking this article on board and teaching my child to take turns and to wait

    Reply

  • I do the counting thing and sometimes we even weigh things!

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  • I very much agree with the ‘ taking turns’ …..its all on how you look at things.
    Its not right to disrupt a childs play just because another child comes along and whats what they have.

    Reply

  • I’m constantly telling my two to “be patient” and “wait” while the other has her “turn”. I will admit I have used “share” many time, but I try to use the others first lol

    • I don’t think there is anything wrong with the word “share” as such. It is the context we give it. Thanks for your comment.

    Reply

  • Great ideas. We often do the timed thing too (especially when it comes to costumes XX will wear it for 10 minutes and then you can swap)

    Reply

  • This is a fantastic idea, and it’s right about the whole sharing though I do sometimes get the “it’s not your turn you need to wait ” in there.

    Reply
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