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Article A cautionary tale of love and loss

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You know, don’t you, that almost every woman you meet has a story. Stories of babies wanted, babies unwanted, babies lost, babies gained, babies yearned after and babies grieved for.

Like I always say, you should be nice to people, because you don’t know what they might be dealing with.

A few years ago, I was talking to my friend, who was parked in the kiss’n’ride at Ben’s school. A school dad told us off for holding up the traffic, and I told him to f**k off. Now, I’m not in the habit of telling school dads to f**k off (only school mums), but what he didn’t know, of course, was that I’d had a miscarriage a couple of days earlier. Four years ago today, to be exact.

Don’t get me wrong, this is not a date engraved upon my soul. I rarely think about that horrible day, and I won’t be lighting a candle for a lost baby.

Because – and let’s be honest here – I didn’t lose a baby. For me to mourn a lost baby would be ridiculous, and disrespectful to those friends who did lose their babies, at 18 weeks, 20 weeks, 39 weeks into their pregnancies and one – God – whose baby died four days after he was born. I’ll light a candle for those lost souls, but not for my little cluster of cells that failed to progress. Which is not to say, of course, that I didn’t grieve. Of course I grieved. I grieved for what might have been. I grieved for the idea of a baby.

I found out I was pregnant the night before my wedding, somewhere in-between getting my eyelashes extended and my legs waxed. And, because I’d sailed through one pregnancy – Ben – I assumed I’d sail through a second, so I told EVERYONE. I was such a smug bitch.

Oh no, the 12-week rule didn’t apply to ME, of course not; I’m very clever at getting pregnant and very clever at staying pregnant, so let’s tell the world!

A wiser woman than me once said that you should only tell the people about a pregnancy who you’d tell about a miscarriage, which is so true, and begs the question: just why DID I tell the postman?

I started bleeding at 11-and-a-half weeks, about six weeks after our wedding. We went to the hospital, and got told to come back the next day, because the scanning ladies had gone home.

That was okay, the bleeding wasn’t bad, and Google had told me that it was a fairly commonplace occurrence in early pregnancy. The next morning, the bleeding was worse, and I was cramping, and I knew, even before they wheeled me down for a scan, that it was all over. That bit was like a nightmare, the stuff of horror stories.

You know what stands out during all of this? The kindness of strangers. The scanning lady taking me in her arms and holding me tight when I broke down in her room.

The nurse who’d admitted us touching my arm after I shook my head – no – in response to her question. Ben’s speech therapist who, when I took Ben for his appointment the next day, could see that I was broken, and ended up confiding in me about the seven (seven!) miscarriages that had left her without a baby but with a broken heart. Not just the kindness of strangers, but the kindness of my brilliant family and friends, whose heart broke with mine.

The kindness of my husband Paul. He held my hand and cried with me on that hospital bed and said that it was the worst day of his life, but we would start again, and everything would be okay. And I loved him more than I ever thought possible. I loved him for crying. I loved him for hurting. I loved him for telling me that we’d still get our happy ending.

Miscarriage is the cruellest of bitches. You’re tricked into thinking you’re pregnant – my tummy ballooned, and I was sick, and tired – and then it robs you of the thing you want more than anything. And then, for weeks after, you’re reminded of what you’ve lost.

I think I would’ve coped better had the actual physical act of miscarrying not been so cruel.

The pain was incredible, and the bleeding went on forever. The pain came in waves, and would hit with full force in the middle of the night, when Paul was on night shift, and all I could do was lie on the bathroom floor and cry.

They tell you – the professionals, and Google – that you should wait after a miscarriage to fall pregnant again, giving your body and your mind time to heal. Forget that. I got pregnant – with Frankie – at the next available opportunity. Best thing I ever did.

I had too many questions after the miscarriage, too many what ifs and what if nots. If I hadn’t got pregnant – and quickly – I think I would’ve lost my mind. I mean, that happened anyway, but for other reasons, largely to do with the children that followed. And, like I say, I rarely think about the miscarriage now.

Too busy with that happy ending that Paul promised me, and I got.

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Comments

  • My eldest suffered an early miscarraige. I still find myself thinking about what if.

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  • Thank you for sharing your personal story.

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  • My son and his partner are expecting their first baby and didn’t want to tell anyone until the ‘safe’ 12 week period. They’ve reached the 20 week mark now and I trust all will be well

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  • That’s interesting! Thanks for sharing this!

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  • I feel for those who have miscarried. I can’t imagine going through it!

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  • kool great

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  • Thank you for sharing. I was crying by the time I got half way through, thinking of a friend whose baby was lost a week before the due date. I was fortunate to get my little miracle after seven years of trying and bleeding at 5 and a half weeks. I feel blessed not to have experienced a miscarriage. If not for expert care from my fertility specialist and good fortune being mine I may now be mourning a miscarriage.

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  • It’s still a loss and you’re allowed to grieve for the miscarriage and also for the ‘what could have been’. It’s something that you will always carry with you even though you may have never carried them in your arms they will always be in your heart

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  • so great

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  • it s truly great

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  • it s great

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  • Thank you, lovely read, great writing and thanks for sharing such a big part of your life.

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  • it is really great to read

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  • Thank you for sharing your story. It’s too true, that you never know what’s going on in someone else’s life. We should all show compassion and empathy as part of our everyday life.

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  • Lisa thankyou for being brave enough to share your story. I shed a tear reading it. We still can’t tell those close to us the story of our loss, and with our last child we didn’t tell anyone I was pregnant until 24 weeks in case we lost her too (how people weren’t guessing I still don’t know).
    I am so pleased for you that you have the joy of children, and your compassion for others is wonderful.

    • I understand completely! I don’t think we told anyone about our next pregnancy until well into the second trimester. Every scan and check up was nerve wracking. I’m so glad you got your happy ending though x

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  • Such a touching story and so true about not knowing what people are dealing with. A smile or a kind word can go along way.

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  • Thank you for your story . I’ve got one beautiful boy & trying for a second . I guess reading that puts everything into perspective . Congratulations on your children

    • Thank you, and good luck with your growing family. Two is definitely more fun! x

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  • Than you for your story… I had a miscarriage and seemed to have joined a club after I returned to work. Wives of bosses called me and gave up their stories of loss as well. It did help me understand that it happens to many of us and we all deal with it in so many different ways. I too grieved. I grieved for what might have been……

    • You are so very, very right. An old family friend actually wrote me a letter after my miscarriage, telling me all about her miscarriage 40 years previously. She had a happy ending too, and it was wonderful to read about it. It’s like fight club! x

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  • Hi Lisa, thank you for your heartfelt story,I am so sorry for your loss and pleased now life is looking up. I miscarried my first whilst spending sometime with my parents-in-law on hols. I hemorrhaged and the Dr that I went to was cold, heartless and horrible. The ambulance men that took me and hubby to the hospital were caring and wonderful. The Dr and staff at the hospital were caring and extremely wonderful as well. The Dr at the surgery was female but no sisterly love was given, the Dr at the hospital was male and could not have been any more nicer.

    • People really show their true colours at times like these! It’s quite amazing. I had old friends who avoided me for weeks afterwards, which broke my heart. But other people really stepped up. I’m glad you had people who were kind, and I hope you got your happy ending too x

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  • I had no idea that miscarriages were painful on a physical level. 1 in 4 pregnancies results in loss and during my first pregnancy a lot of people opened up and told me about their losses. Its heartbreaking

    • I think everyone is different. For some people miscarriage is like having a super heavy period. For others it’s like being hit by a bus. the sense of loss is the same though. And what’s amazing is that once you start asking, you discover that most women have a similar story to tell. It’s astonishing. Thank you for reading xx

    Reply
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