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I sadly handed a close friend her membership card to the Miscarriage and Loss Club recently, one that I joined myself in 2011 after I lost my first pregnancy at seven weeks.

At the time I felt really alone and I didn’t really know anyone who had been through a similar experience. The whole thing felt so unfair, and over the next nine months while I tried desperately to fall pregnant again my mental health really took a hit.

I was constantly in tears, angry at the world and so so so jealous of everyone else who seemed to be having a smooth ride to starting a family.

In the end my husband made me go and see my GP, who referred me to a counsellor. That really helped me get my head around what had happened and why I felt so out of control. I fell pregnant again a couple of weeks before my original baby’s due date.

Two years on, and with a small toddler to distract me, I must admit the painful memories have faded but my friend’s loss brought it all back and I wrote out something for her – some things I wish people had told me after my miscarriage and a few things that people did say which really helped.

Grief is non linear. It’s ok and normal to feel fine one day and bad the next.

Be kind to yourself and allow yourself all the time that you need to get your emotional stability back.

Yes, the statistics are one in four, other people have been through the same thing or much worse, but this is you, and you have every right to the emotions that you are feeling.

Some people will surprise you with their support and understanding and others who you expect a lot from will do a crappy job of being there for you. There are a few things that people will say, like “it was for the best”, that just don’t help at all, but they do mean well.

After a while you will think people have forgotten or don’t care but it’s more likely they just don’t know what to say so they’re saying nothing.

You are not alone and there is so much support out there. Don’t wait too long to talk to someone if things are getting on top of you. There are lots of online forums for grief and loss, filled with people who understand what you’re going through. Also, your doctor can refer you to a proper counsellor to talk things through.

You will be reminded of what’s happened constantly because you will see pregnant people everywhere you go, all over the TV and in magazines. It’s ok to feel mad at them and totally jealous. But also, remember that you don’t know what their journey has been, or what the future holds for them.

If it’s too much to be around someone who is pregnant be brave and calmly explain what’s going on with you.

Don’t expect to fall pregnant again in a month. Your inner control freak won’t like this, but you have to let your body do its thing.

Your baby, when it comes, will be worth the wait.

I’d love to hear any other words of support that helped you, or that you wish you’d been given when struggling with a bump in your road to motherhood.

 

  • How horrible. I am not in the club but I should imagine miscarriage is similar to losing a child because you are losing a child. World shattering

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  • I too am in the club. I had already been lucky with two beautiful sons so when I fell pregnant again miscarriage didn’t even cross my mind after my 8 week scan I told my boys and all was great until I went for my 12 week appt to learn baby stopped growing and died at 8 weeks must of been just after I saw its heart beat and told my boys I had to go for a d&c and it was the most heartbreaking experience listening to babies being born while mine had died. I did fall pregnant again 6 months after and was blessed with another beautiful healthy son but the first half of that pregnancy I was so anxious and worried about miscarrying again. I think about my angel baby often and still have days of tears but also take comfort in knowing that if it hadn’t of happened I would not of had my third little boy who helped to heal my heart

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  • It is such an emotional draining time. So glad you had a husband that supported you.

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  • Losing a child is one of the worst things in the world for most woman and sometimes no matter what people say or do if u have a miscarriage you need to grieve in your own way. I have had 2 miscarriages and it killed me when it happened. I was depressed, I was angry, my partner at the time and I blamed each other for it even though it wasn’t our faults. But you learn to live it with it, and you never forget about it, but now I have a daughter and she is my world.

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  • I had 6 miscarraiges over the tears each one broke my heart, but I finally had a daughter and now a granddaughter… my life iscomplete

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  • Miscarriage is horrible, no matter how far along you are a death of a child is too hard to comprehend and people can be so terrible an ignorant. Surround yourself with positive things, positive people, and take time to heal.

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  • I know a lass who couldn’t conceive naturally and underwent IVF, was pregnant with twins and miscarried. To assist her in getting out and about her Mum tooking her shopping at a shopping centre where they normally buy their own clothes from. Everything was going fine until they walked around a corner, then a Mum accidentally bumped one of them with a baby in a stroller. The lass broke down and the only thing her Mum could do was take home as she was so distraught, started hyperventilating and almost collapsed.

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  • A thoughtful and sympathetic article. A heartfelt thank you!

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  • My deepest sympathy to all that have lost.
    I will never forget the heartless, cold and uncaring comments and actions of the first Doctor during my miscarriage, she was female and screaming at my husband to get me across the street (I was hemorrhaging and crying uncontrollably) once in the surgery she said “Well you have lost it” and turned to my husband and said you better get her to hospital. It was my husband who asked for an ambulance and when the ambo’s came they were nothing short of amazing, I had a 20 to 30 min trip to hospital and once there the staff and Doctor (who by the way was male) was caring and absolutely wonderful. So much for women being more understanding with the female body or at least some, particularly this heartless female doctor —ch. ” Lost it ” was her words, she did not say baby, this was our child not an it.

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  • this is a sad and traumatic time for women

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  • I have lost a baby at 28 weeks and a baby at 10 weeks. Both times it was a shock as it was so unexpected. I would say it was a lot harder to cope after the stillbirth as I had more time to bond with the baby, and you don’t expect anything to go wrong at that stage, but the miscarriage also shook me up as well. Because it was so early we hadn’t told anyone and therefore had to grieve alone with no support. We also felt that we would get no support or understanding as it was to be our 7th child and that people would just say why would you want another one anyway or you are over 40 of course you are likely to have a miscarriage there was something wrong with the baby, it’s for the best. It was still a life and our child and it’s a traumatic experience. We had started making plans and now they were not going to happen. I imagine it would be even worse if it were a first baby. Yes with other kids you do not have time for self pity, that’s true, but it’s hard to keep going when all you want to do is go to bed and cry and instead you have to make school lunches and take kids to ballet etc and pretend that nothing has changed in your life as no-one even knows.

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  • fortunetly I was blessed with a bundle of job 4 weeks after my first miscariage.


    • So sorry for everyones loss its such a terrible event to go through. my second pregnancy i was always anxious and stressed thinking what if theres blood and if babies kicking. Pregnancy is one of the most amazing events in a womens life but also the most scariest. I wish I had of made a memorial box or keeps sake for my first baby that I lost it was 6 weeks gestastion and from all the stress and heartache I didn;t think of making a keep sake until recently :(

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  • Having suffered a molar pregnancy which was picked up at our 12 week scan I was completely devastated, we had no idea what it was but were told if it wasn’t fully removed by the curette I would need to have chemo. I had my curette on the Friday and on the Monday I had “friends” come to visit with flowers and chocolates and the lovely news that they were expecting a baby due the same week mine would have been.
    Since then I have gone through the chemo we warned of and then an 18 month wait to get pregnant again and I have a beautiful baby boy but still to this day I can not forgive or forget the pain that those “friends” caused me and I can’t look at the child who was born on my due date.
    It is something that affects everybody differently and if you’re not sure if something will offend or hurt someone after a loss I say err on the side of caution and give people time to grieve properly.

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  • I found talking to my bub while I had tea light candles lit helped plus i had a small teddy with bubs t-shirt on helped me. I miscarried at 7 weeks gestation.

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  • I’ve never been through it, but I’ve seen my friends go through it, and it’s heartbreaking. :-(

    Reply

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