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Article Finding the balance

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For anyone who isn’t reading about Marissa Mayer, she recently became the new CEO of Yahoo and had a baby, all in the same few months. Her decision to come back to work and not allow “working from home” by Yahoo employees has caused a lot of debate over the right balance and women’s choices in returning to work.

I’ve had a lot of struggles coming late to the parenting game. By the time I became a mother, I was well on the way to a promising technology career, just said “I Do” to my best friend and we had both talked about, but not decided on, children in our future. I was planning a wedding, we had bought and started renovating our first home and life was finally feeling a bit closer to complete.

And then came Grace. As any mother is likely to tell you, the addition of a tiny baby filled me with more capacity for love and strange emotions than I thought possible while simultaneously draining me of every ounce of energy I had and giving me reserves of strength I feared I would never possess. Becoming a mother immediately made me want to apologise to my mother for everything I had ever done and cry about the innumerable possibilities that would face our baby girl in her life.

A few months later, being at home with Grace started to feel a bit restrictive. I loved our time together, but the inability to get things “done” and cross them off my daily list started frustrating me, so I thought I should go back to work and thankfully, I could do this from home. I started out one day a week, then two, then I wanted to get out of the house, so I looked at childcare options. We live in a country area, so getting one day, then two days childcare each week was no problem and while I wrestled feelings of motherly guilt every day I dropped her off, I knew she was safe, well fed, well loved and stimulated because of the particular childcare centre we had chosen.

There were judgements made of me when I went back to work, both within and external to the family, but I started to feel like I was more… me. The things that frustrated me at home (a feeling of never ticking things off a list and of not “contributing” in a fiscal sense) started to quiet. But I couldn’t get the balance right. Working part time is a strange thing – you always get saddled with a full time load and you never quite feel like you are seen as a full partner to the business, but since I was still the primary parent, I never quite felt like I was doing that job well either.

When I returned to work full time, we put Grace in childcare four days per week and her grandparents looked after her on the fifth day. My days are long, especially when I do the childcare drop off and pick up and my husband is away, but I feel like I have myself back again. I can contribute to my chosen field, I have ensured that Grace has the best and most stimulating care I can give her and she has the ability to socialise with children her own age and developmental time frame. She has room leaders not only dedicated to her care, but trained in providing a framework within which she learns and grows. She has generational contact with the grandparents and our weekends are magical because they are so special.

But most of all, I feel now that I am providing her with a strong, confident and solid female role model. I don’t put myself last in our family, I have time to myself when I need it and we are all getting the daily stimulation we need. I won’t lie and say it’s easy, it’s a constant logistical battle, but one that I’m slowly realising works for us.

What we have done is not for everyone, and I think that the general argument about a woman’s return to the workforce needs to appreciate a number of different viewpoints, mostly valuing any choice a woman makes that allows her to be a person that makes her confident and feel worthy.

I understand, but don’t agree with not allowing telecommuting – for my mind, it offers women options, while allowing them to bridge the responsibilities of home with those of the office. Taking away options and choice means limiting a woman’s potential once they have children.

For the working and non-working mothers out there, how have you found your balance? Have you found that family or societal judgment has framed your actions?

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Comments

  • I have to decide sometime soon whether I go back to work, it is a very hard decision as I have 3 little girls and the thought of leaving them in the hands of another is… I’ll miss them like crazy… But will have to decide soon.

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  • I’m really anxious about going back to work in a few weeks time but am looking forward to stimulating my mind and completing challenges for myself. I will miss my little man and taking my daughter to school but I know if it doesn’t work I will do what’s best for my family and try to find the right balance

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  • The right balance is always hard, but I made the decision that as long as I was comfortable with the balance then it was OK. As soon as I am not it is time to make some changes.

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  • It is somewhat hard some times to find the right balance

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  • I’m not keen on Marissa Mayer’s attitude to working from home. I think if workplaces were more flexible with that, you would have huge productivity and motivational benefits from a lot of grateful mums. My work lets selected mums work from home and we are so grateful we work exceptionally hard, plus if our children are sick, we don’t have to take time off.

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  • I’m in a situation where I have to work rather than choose to and so I get to spend the week with my kids I work nightshift over the weekend. I’m really fortunate to have a mother-in-law that doesn’t work and absolutely adores having her grandkids for the weekends.

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  • All you can do is try your best!

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  • Being a parent is certainly a balancing act, we call only do our best.

    • I totally agree. I am a stay at home mum and always try to balance kids,housework and friends…

      • I think the key here is being the best each of us can be.

      • Yep I agree totally as I am a stay at home mum as well to 3 beautiful daughters

      • Agree! Doing your best is all you can do

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  • Thank you! What a great article 🙂

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  • balance is so important – don’t forget yourself !

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  • Being a parent seems like just one big balancing act! I remember my mum using that phrase when I was a kid , but of course I never fully understood until I had kids of my own!

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  • Well done. Im a stay at home mom at the moment and im enjoying it I know I need to return to work one day. It would be great to have grand parents around to look after kids

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  • This is a great article – I love the grandparents being able to be closer than otherwise would have been possible …

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  • This is a great post for any mums wrestling with the thought of returning to work. Personally for me I prefered to only work casual so I was home for the many milestones, such as first step, laugh, word etc.. But I also feel every mum thinks and feels differently so you should do what you feel is right.

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  • I elected to do shift work when I went back to work it made my job more flexible

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  • I think working a steady job can only be a good influence on your children

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  • I think if your career is important to you then you will be a better mum because of your decision. I worked from home all my life around the family but my work was very important to me and at no stage did I wish to give it up. There is no right or wrong – if it works for your family and you – then it is right. Listen to other people’s opinions, respect them, and do what is right for you. ..ching ching cheers

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  • This was a great post. I have just gone back to work three days a week my daughter was 7 months. As much as I wanted to stay home at least another couple of months it just wasn’t possible. I’m very lucky to have a great workplace where I had the option of three days, but I still feel judgement from the ladies who don’t have children. Especially when my daughter was hospitalised on my second week back and I only went in one day. But honestly I now feel that when I’m with my daughter I am a better mum. I was getting bored being home, I’m not a great housewife but I was a great mum to her for those seven months all my attention was focused. But now I get some time to myself singing row your boat a million times isn’t so demanding.

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  • Great post. I am a working mum too – four days a week and constantly struggle with mothers guilt. For me it was not a choice so much as forced for financial reasons. My boys love Childcare and luckily have thrived in that environment but I do have the internal battle every day of not being able to give 100% to anything. I think do what suits you for your evironment.

    Reply

  • I found my balance was just being full time mum. Being a single parent helped me with this dilemma. I admire mums who work full time and still manage to put together a healthy loving family unit

    Reply
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