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Article How to become a less anxious & more relaxed mum

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I struggle with anxiety. I always have.

There are many reasons why – most too personal to share – but it has ramped up a notch since my little family has come along; more to worry about, more to care about, more at stake.

Not surprising really and I know many others feel this way. It has been hard to admit, but while I’ve been managing this side of me for a while now, my increasing worries and anxious thoughts are starting to get in the way of me fully enjoying my wonderful life.

My decision to share all of this via Mouths of Mums wasn’t taken lightly.

I feel that too often our Facebook pages and blogs and Twitter feeds are flooded with all our amazing-ness, and purposefully miss out the juicy real-life bits.

Well, I’m not ashamed or afraid to admit that while I often write about the positives on Latte Mum, I still stress about life too much sometimes, I worry too much about what other people think and I get anxious about getting anxious for no apparent reason.

I live in a beautiful world, in a beautiful life, with the most amazing people in it.

But sometimes, the long-gone sadness of past times or the future worries about things that will probably never happen will creep into my mind. Sometimes the list of chores and tasks and activities I think I need to do will overwhelm me.

Sometimes I feel I have no time to breathe or just be.

Sometimes it feels like the sometimes have become all-the-times. I’m not afraid to admit it.

So, I decided to do something about it. With PND ruled out, it was agreed I needed some tools that would allow me to better control the frantic and anxious thoughts that often swirled in my head.

It was suggested I bring the practise of MINDFULNESS into my life.

Thus my personal project to becoming a less anxious and more relaxed mum begins.

Never heard of Mindfulness? Neither had I.  It is a form of meditation I guess, that seems to promise a fresh perspective on life, and a learned ability to focus on the here and now, while picking and choosing what thoughts you’d like to focus on and stopping the endless cycles of anxiety and franticness that is so easy to fall into.

It’s been clinically proven to dramatically help anxiety conditions and depression.

There are specialist therapists and group sessions and CDs and many other ways to learn Mindfulness, but I’m currently working my way through the book Mindfulness: a practical guide to finding peace in a frantic world by Mark Williams and Danny Penman.

Honestly, I am completely blown away by it and just had to share.

The book includes commentary and an easy 8-week program that requires nothing other than a little time each day, and I want to share my experience with you in case you too can relate to how I’m feeling now and want to join me on this journey.

Week 1: Feeling better already

So the program for week 1 has asked me to commit to 20-30 minutes of uninterrupted meditation per day (already I’m concerned I’m going to fail – where on earth am I going to get that time from, 2am?!) and to also study a raisin in focused detail for 10 minutes before eating it (quite an amazing exercise if you want to see what it’s like to have just one thought in your head at a time).

Day 1 proved to be the most ridiculously usual day with the kidlets. I was covered in splotches of yoghurt, mashed potato, blue playdough and sticky finger prints.

I had zero time to go to the toilet let alone meditate.

All I actually wanted to do that day was shut myself behind a closed door with my laptop and surf Pinterest with a bottle of wine at the ready (which I didn’t do by the way).

I honestly couldn’t see how anything was going to slow my frantic life down.

Despite all of this I forced myself to do my first 8 minutes of meditation just after I had dinner.

It’s only half the meditation I was supposed to do but figure it’s better than nothing. It was a very easy exercise and I did feel better for it.

No humming or weird yoga poses, just an exercise about focusing on your breath and trying to bring your wandering mind back to the inhale and exhale and the here and now.

By Day 3 I was finding it easier to make the time for the two rounds of meditations. If nothing else, it’s 8 minutes of quiet in a room by myself and I’m feeling good about doing something for me.

When I decided to do the “raisin exercise” on my children that day – not as in eat them (although they are very delicious) – but rather focus on them each intently for at least 10 minutes, I soon realised I already do this thousands of times, on an hourly basis.

I know every hair on their head, how the differing shades of blue cascade in each iris and the cheeky chuckle of one versus the infectious giggle of the other. They are both such perfect little people.

I also realised I have triggers that cause those feelings of anxiety to rise.

I feel it’s important to start acknowledging them and either choosing to ignore them or approaching them in a different way that might minimise the anxiety.

Triggers identified this week include: messy house (must ignore, it’s not that bad), one or both children yelling/screaming when we’re out in public (must ignore, they’re not that bad), people staring at me and judging me and my yelling children when we’re out in public (must ignore, what do they know?!) and terrible drivers on the road that look like they’re going to crash into my car full of precious cargo (not sure what to do about them yet).

By Day 5 my days suddenly aren’t as much about time and the ticking clock and how many checks I can put against my ‘to do’ list, but about clusters of moments.

Moments that are wonderful, moments that are challenging, moments that are mundane. Moments that last for seconds and moments that last for hours. Moments that are being enjoyed and lived as they happen.

At the end of my first week of Mindfulness, I’m amazed by how much has changed already.

I feel like I’m starting to see the world in a more matter of fact way – the past is gone, the future is unknown and all I have is this moment.

Just deal with this moment, don’t analyse everything else.

It’s time to move on to the next chapter of the book and a new set of Mindfulness exercises.

Any of you inspired to join me on this journey yet?

**This weekly wrap-up of Latte Mum’s journey to becoming a less anxious and more relaxed mum, was written exclusively for Mouths of Mums readers. If you want more, you can follow Mel’s daily posts about Mindfulness at Latte Mum.

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Comments

  • I need to look into this I’m a very anxious mum

    Reply

  • Thank you so much. I have been through PND and my partner thinks that I’m still living in it but I think perhaps I need to address my anxiety levels. I too am a list maker and I think I stress and focus on these things so much that I’m missing out on all the good stuff. This has put a massive strain on the relationships around me. I think I might grab the book and start working on remembering who I am and why I am where I am. So thank you again.

    Reply

  • Great tips for any mum. Even if you don’t ‘suffer’ from anxiety I’m sure there are days when these types of emotions come over anyone.

    Reply

  • Thank you so much for sharing. I can relate to so much here

    • Thanks for reading, and it’s good to know I’m not alone 🙂

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  • thanks for sharing

    Reply

  • I really loved this article and can relate to certain aspects of it.

    Reply

  • People just need to stop and breathe. The world continues around us. It is hard to not be in control, but you have to trust that everything you have learned and everything you teach your children is put to good use.

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  • Thank you for your honesty, it’s good to have that confirmation that I’m not alone with these thoughts and feelings.

    • And it’s so lovely and comforting for me to hear from people like yourself, so that I know I’m not alone in feeling this way either. I hope you might read something in this post or in the others I’ll write on this topic that will resonate with you, and help you to minimise any anxiety you might be feeling too. x

    Reply

  • a very interesting read, gave me some food for thought

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  • I think relaxation and breathing exercises can help everyone in life

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  • Nice to know I’m not alone

    • Same 🙂

      • Not alone, I feel the same, will be looking more into doing the Mindfulness exercises myself, have heard so many positive reviews on it.

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  • I find there are certain things that cause my stress levels to grow….for me not having alone time stresses me out and its an odd thing but i thought that as my kids got older I would get more of that alone time. But no…it wasnt to be….its such an odd thing but I found with 3 grown daughters that some days it was like they were on a mission to make sure i wasnt left alone. One would leave and within 10mins another one of them would arrive. Its an odd thing….I love them and enjoy spending time with them but I must get my alone time or i find im stressed and once im stressed then little things become big things.

    Reply

  • oh wow, I have been trying this ‘mindfulness’ approach also. To attempt to just let go of all the frantic demands of life and simply be in the moment and not stress the small stuff…. and I will admit it does help. I am more relaxed and not so worried about what is yet to happen, just enjoy where I am now and allow whatever will be…

    • Yay! Great to hear this has worked for you. I’m certainly finding it interesting and am a lot calmer about things already.

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  • A very interesting read, thank you

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  • I loved your honest style of writing. I am on a mission at the moment of less ‘doing’ and more ‘being’ so I loved your reflection on mindfulness.

    Reply

  • I’ve also done Mindfulness exercises for this reason. It was recommended by a therapist to give me strategies to overcome/ help deal with anxiety/ anxious moments.
    I find the breathing techniques are really useful.

    • So great to hear this worked for you – I hope it does the same for me in the end, and have noticed such a difference already.

    Reply

  • Mel, I’d very much like to join you in knowing more about Mindfulness. I suffer from Depression and Chronic & Acute Pain. Would you recommend the book by Williams & Penman as being appropriate for me, or is there another book that would be more suitable? Thanks for your advice, I’d really appreciate hearing from you (kad7591@yahoo.com.au).

    • Would love you to join me too! There’s certainly no harm or side effects in you reading this book and trying the exercises for yourself – I’ve noticed such a difference in myself already, so can definitely recommend. However, would also recommend you chat to your GP about your situation and any other treatments that may be suitable for you, as I’m certainly not an expert! Good luck with it all, and I hope you find my other posts (will be published here weekly) to be useful for you too. x

    Reply

  • I’m glad you’ve found a tool to help you control & even overcome your anxiety.

    Reply

  • Mindfulness sounds like a really good approach. I hope it continues to go really well for you 🙂

    Reply

  • That is a really lovely idea.

    Reply
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