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Article How to build trust with your teenager

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The definition of trust is the firm belief in the reliability, truth or strength of someone or something.

Trust is a 2 way street. It is incredibly difficult to trust another person if they are not behaviourally or verbally reliable.

While your teen may trust that you will provide food, a home, education and clothes it does not end there.

Teens also need to trust that their parents will be available and react compassionately when they make a mistake.

It is vital that parents spend quality time with their teens and not pass them over for work or other responsibilities.

Teens need to have parents ask about what is going on in life and be genuinely interested.

They need mum and dad to keep their word.

They need to have family dinners together regularly where positive talk takes place and good stories are exchanged.

They need a safe home without constant hostility or arguments, and they need mom and dad to discipline behaviour that is out of hand and set up boundaries in the home environment. All these things demonstrate care and as a result build trust.

Many times, when teens do not get adequate attention from one or both parents, they misinterpret the behaviour as a lack of love. In order to regain some of that attention they will then engage in questionable behaviour that often elicits a response from mum or dad (or both).

After all, any kind of attention can be better than no attention.

Having trust is important, it is the major building block to any relationship. Trust solidifies the attachment between you and your child and it promotes compliance and reduces rebellion.

Show your teen that you are willing to trust them but if they break this trust, there will be consequences.

Here are simple tips to help improve the trust between you and your teen:

  1. Communication is the key: Communication is an important step to many things and this includes building trust. It is difficult to enhance your trust if you are not communicating your perspectives and what is going on in each other’s lives.
  2. Be a person of your word: Many times both parents and teens will make promises and then cancel due to lack of time, misbehaviour, other more appealing social activities etc. This is the easiest way to reduce trust in each other. Teens and parents need to honour their word to each other.
  3. Respect each other: Treating each other and speaking to each other (and about each other) with respect is important to building trust. It is difficult to develop a trusting relationship if you’re spoken to disrespectfully or if you overhear your parent (or your child) badmouthing you.
  4. Patience: Building a trusting relationship happens over time. It is easy for one wrong action to cancel out the last 7 good actions. At times you may feel like your relationship is progressing and at other times you may feel it is disintegrating. During these times, it is important you keep positive and hopeful and continue to build a trusting relationship. Your effort overtime will bring good results.
  5. Consistency: For a trusting relationship to develop there must be consistency (or reliability) in the relationship. The more often each of you demonstrates that you can be trusted, the more likely you will be trusted. Consistency strengthens every relationship.
  6. Make time as a family: Eating dinner together as a family several times a week creates a sense of togetherness and shared ritual. Communication during dinner is important. Have each family member share what they liked best about their day and what was challenging for them that day. This creates an environment of trust.
  7. Unconditional love: Showing unconditional love to your teen even when they have made a really bad choice, heals feelings and empowers self esteem.
Main image courtesy of Shutterstock.com

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  • Communication absolutely is essential, a must.

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  • I think I did OK in the trust stakes. My kids were a bit reluctant to come to me when they made mistakes because I’m a bit of an over reactor. But once they realised that was all huff and puff, that I really cared, they got over it

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  • I worry about the time when my kids will be at this stage. But we are trying now to get the communication open so hopefully that will continue when they get to this stage.

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  • Such valuable information. Parenting is an arduous journey, full of surprises. Teenage years even more so, especially when there are so many external influences and children explore who they really are.

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  • I am sure I am not the only person who wishes I could just avoid this stage completely. My children are only 5yrs and under and I am already worried about the teenage years. I prey they and I get through ok.

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  • Great tips to follow with even pre teen children.

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  • it is important that you have a good relationship and communication with your children especially in this stage of their formative life

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  • Great tips here, thank you.

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  • Be friendly with them and encourage them to be friendly as well

    • Oh, I like this and agree…what a beautiful world we would have if everyone was just friendly to each other!

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  • When I was a teen all I wanted was trust and responsibility for myself. So my advice is don’t be to over protective, let them make mistakes, just let them know you are there for them

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  • can these work with a primary school aged child? coz i feel like that relationship is disintegrating.

    • That’s sad to hear and yes, these can be used on children of all ages. Something that works really well too is having a special ‘date’ with your child. Do something fun to build up the relationship and keep this going for as many years as you can. It could be as simple as having a picnic once a month in a new park/area. It creates a special bond and its time just focused on you and your child..no phones, no TV and no interruptions.

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  • thank you good advise given

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  • As a child we always ate meals at the table as a family, I continued this with my children even as a full time working single mum with 3 young children, now they have grown and I still have my 2 twenty six year old babies at home and we still have dinner at the table each night, it is the time we come together to discuss anything and everything, We do not seem to have any arguments at this time and it is always positive. I don’t think many people make the effort to spend time together, dinner time is really effortless.

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  • Thanks for sharing this interesting article; a good read. Unconditional love is important, but sure can be tested! :)

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  • These tips apply to everyone, not just teens.
    But I think it’s important that you’ve pointed them out, as teenagers get quite a bad rap & need the same love & trust as everyone else.

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  • We are in the midst of the teen years right now and we follow all of the above tips. At some times, better than others. I’m often reminding my son of trust, too as the most important thing that I hold dear.

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  • I’m not quite there yet in terms of the teenage years, but this article seems very useful. Their is a whole generation gap between my sister and I and my mum seems to be having some difficulty in this area, so I may just email her this article. Thank you.

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  • I think a lot of fuss is made over the teenage years….Ive got 3 daughters and My youngest is 18. Im not going to say they were perfect but they were far from beign anything dramatic….I think my girls were great and it was really only perhaps once a year where there was anything that needed attention. My girls are great and im always getting comments on how lovely and well mannered they are. Trust your kids to do the right thing and pretty much they will

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  • Fantastic article – thanks for sharing

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  • Really good article.
    Sometimes it is hard to do all these things but mostly it is just a follow on from good child rearing.

    Reply
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