I suffered Terribly at the hands of my Father, from the age of about five i can remember hearing my father hurting my mum or once I even saw him hold a knife to her throat, I was Nine my little brother was next to me in his Highchair and so was my little sister and older Brother. yep we were destined for a fun life. I was petrified and never really knew a real childhood.
Age Twelve my Father starting approaching me for Sex and so started five years of abuse until i Ran away just before i was seventeen. i never saw my Father again.
i moved to Australia age 25 after leaving my perfect husband because i didn’t know a good thing when i had it, i got into a relationship here and i’m still in the same one, it has had its ups and downs and we have had physical fights etc in the past. not in the last five years tho. so four years ago i found out i was pregnant and carrying a girl, i never thought i’d ever have children i believed i was damaged inside somehow after punching myself repeatedly as a teen thinking i was pregnant. i wasn’t thank god but when your young you have no idea. anyway i was having a girl and cue all the fears a women ever feels for her children in life and i doubled all that with hating her father and believing she is destined to be av=bused also, after all isn’t that what dads do??
I had a very freaked out pregnancy, by day I’d work and be all happy and by night i was curled up on the bathroom floor sobbing my heart out and hating my life, i was so depressed i often felt very suicidal and scared for myself from myself. Add to that the fact that me and her dad had moved out and gone separate ways three months before i found out i was pregnant and still the belief that i the dirty slut who was abused all those years never deserved a child, boy i was a mess.
i filled in the Edingborough Quesstionaire at the hospital, i never really thought they would say i was depressed you know just hormonal, but they called in the doctor and got me seen by a psychiatrist immediately and before i knew it i was getting counselling, by the time i was six months pregnant i was on Anti-depressants and getting reviews and constant checks. by the time i had baby number 1 me and The father were back together, i was so happy and had this massive eauthoric year, nothing could touch me, me and my girl were in-separable and i still got counselling and one on one help with parenting so i never messed up with her life like my Father did mine. life was sweet and i decided now was the time to get clucky so we stopped being careful and i fell pregnant with number 2, this pregnancy wacked me, i was constantly exhausted, nauseus, i turnt into a couch potato as did miss 2 year old because mum was to tired to leave the house, i didn’t know at the time that the daily Ant-Histamine the chemist had recommended had a slight sedative effect, so for four months i had been to tired and hating my unborn baby for ruining my life, at eight months i mentioned this to a doctor who told me that the Anti-Histamine was making me so tired and within a few days of stopping this medicine i was my happy energetic self, too late for my depression tho. i had been diagnosed with Gestational Diabeties at 7 months and then i went for an appointment at 37 weeks and my blood pressure was a tad high, within an hour they decided i had pre-Eclampsia and within 3 hours i was told i would be induced in two days. this all moved too fast for me.
Bubs was born at 37.3 weeks and was fine for the first hour, she had a funny wheeze which was brushed off as a ‘cute baby noise’ 6 hours later at 1am I couldnt sleep she was sounding to weird, i finally i took her wheezing self down to the nurses station and said something is not right, they checked her and transferred her down to the SCBU Special Care Baby Unit, at 2am i was sent back up and told she is fine they will just monitor her. i fell asleep and woke at 5am to be told i couldnt see my baby as there was nobody to take me down. i waited and asked a few times, eventually at 7am someone came and got me and took me downstairs, as i approached the SCBU i was pulled aside by a doctor who said f”irst off she is fine but she had breathing problems at 5am and is now in the NICU’ I didn’t hear anything else i just knew i was going to lose her. she was fine and was only in there for five hours but these were the toughest five hours of my life, i called my mum in England and could barely talk, i told her i wanted to run away. she said to me “you get in that room you hold that Baby’s hand and you give her every piece of strength you have and you do not leave her side for a second because you owe her all that strength and reason to fight”. I will never forget her words and encouragement even from the other side of the world she had me and she kept me going more than anyone i could hold physically she is my inspiration in life. i have never met a woman so strong, she left my father when i was in my teens and he died the year i moved here so she was amazing and a fighter also. anyway back to bub she was not classed as premature but i always believed i was a week less so its possible thats what happened. The doctor Explained that one of the wholes in her heart had not closed properly in the first few hours and that is why she turnt blue and struggled to breath. we took her home at one week old. 11 weeks old i had her in an ambulance because she was struggling with breathing and even stopped for a few seconds a few times, she was diagnosed with a form of reflux and has since scared me a few times. she also had three bouts of bronchialitus which required two nights stay in hospital each time on oxygen. going back to my depression by this stage i was convinced that this one was destined to die, all the evidence was there and we never bonded, even though i breastfed her and still do, i never felt tht bond i felt with number 1. i had completely shut her out of my heart, i told myself if she dies atleast my life will go back to fun times with number 1 and no more stress etc. i ended up having a three week stay in a women’s hospital for mental health reasons, post natal depression, anxieties, i was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and my medication was changed to something that may work again.
I have now successfully bonded with baby number 2, i feel so much guilt for all the anger and hatred and non loving connection i had at first. i always loved my daughter, she is gorgeous and amazing i just really hated myself and put that onto her i think.
she is now 14 months and her older sister is 3.5 years. both are happy, i still worry about abuse, i get help for that. i think i rambled alot here but i want people to know that your childhood does not define you, it makes you stronger, my favorite saying is ‘break the chain’. we have to do better than what was done for us, its what our children deserve. i have dedicated my life for the past four years to getting better for my children and i still do, i attend three different support groups or therapy sessions a week just so they never experience cruelty at the hands of those they trust.
Posted anonymously, 19th April 2015