Decisions… One stupid word with yet so many outcomes..! Everyday you make decisions, some great and some insignificant, however every decision has some outcome on our future whether it be our immediate future or distant future. At the moment I live everyday as it comes making the decisions based on the here and now, however my future holds many big decisions to be made and like my past I don’t want to make the wrong ones and regret them for years to come. There is the saying don’t regret anything because at the time it’s what you wanted to do, this really has some truth however people say it’s ok to have regrets as long as your learnt from them. This is also true however just because I can learn from a mistake that I regret does not mean anything changes, I’m still here it’s still done and sure I won’t do it again but it’s already to late… I have big decisions involving my family my beautiful children both young and innocent in this world and my husband. The depiction being do I leave him or not. You see I took on the commitment of marriage with this man before I knew how different he would become when we gave birth to our children, not knowing how lazy he would become when he didn’t have to work to be my girlfriend and since I have fallen out of love with him. He has a learning disability and this basically makes me a single mum of 3 children rather then a married woman with 2 children. It’s not the place to whinge but to give a bit of insight. He is 27 cannot drive, he has held his learners for 5 years he would be quite capable of achieving a license if he wanted it b the straight out doesn’t. He holds employment however this is 8 hours a week – 2 four hours shifts and as well and good as that is he whinges about it constantly and in the meantime he does nothing to help… And I mean nothing. He doesn’t cook, he doesn’t clean anyway you get the point, this is everyday in my life driving everyone everywhere, picking up after everyone, doing everything without any sense of help. I had my eldest in daycare until he was bringing sickness home every week and It was hard enough getting everything done well let alone sick so that stopped. I decided to ask my mum and she does however I have to pay her like a childcare I cannot drop my son off before 10:30am and I must be there to pick him up by 5pm. I have no i laws as my hubby lost his father and his mother is not stable. As well as all this going on my husband doesn’t have a loving bone in his body. We have not been intimate in just over 15months, we don’t kiss, don’t hug, don’t hold hands and the on conversations we have is about my husband interests the sky and apple technology and being honest I’m truly over it! Every birthday, Mother’s Day, christmas, Easter, anniversary or special occasion that comes around he gets everything he could ever want and in return I get nothing. Not even a card. So anyway I have never been a reader but whilst laying awake at night pondering my thoughts and about decision to be made I decide to read in hopes to switch my brain off and it works not always but it helps I have started reading romance and I’m just so jealous! I don’t care if it’s a book! I want that. It makes me think I deserve more in my life, I deserve to be genuinely happy and to have someone who looks after me and wants to love me, I know that my husband loves me but he doesn’t show it, he doesn’t say it, he is just like a third child. Anyway decisions… They really suck. I just hope something will give me the answer before I have to make it in a few short months if not I, hoping I don’t make the wrong one, there are positive and negatives to both and as much as I try and weigh it up there is a pull from both decisions. Thanks for listening to my thoughts while I ramble on!
Posted anonymously, 17th March 2015