My mum is in her 80s. She lives in WA, I live in Tassie. I don’t like attending funerals and have decided to not fly over for my mums when it eventuates. Cost is a big factor, along with my personal opinion of funerals being a waste of time, another factor is not getting along with my siblings who will of course be there. I visit mum every year and spend a lot of time helping her out around the house, doing things she can’t manage on her own, I think this is a much more productive way to spend our time…..while she’s still alive! But some around me are trying to change my mind, saying I’ll need closure and I’m being selfish if I don’t go. After all your mums done for you, the least you can do us attend her funeral. Now I’m feeling depressed about my decision. What do other MoMs think?

Posted by mom81879, 1st November 2015

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  • I think you should do what feels best to you.


  • It sounds like you have some sort of fear and it is best to talk to a professional counsellor who know about this type of issue especially if you are depressed . Hope you make the right decision anyway .


  • Phew, thank you MoMs! I was a bit worried I would be condemned for my views! I’m also put off by my dads funeral. I went his, very reluctantly, and got caught up in my brothers bickering over things. It put a blight on everything for me :,( This time I think I will follow my heart. No matter whether I go or not, mum and I know where we stand with each other and that’s all that matters to me.


  • Hope you have found a good counsellor to help with this issue. Talking it out face to face may help you and as you wrote you are depressed – please seek some support and help.


  • Everyone has their own way of having closure after someone close passes and it may not be a funeral. I think it is wonderful that you visit your mum every year and Make the effort to spend valuable time with her.


  • If that is your choice, then stick with it and try not to worry what other people say


  • Personally I understand your point of view, mom81879. My mother is 85 years old and lives in Europe. I never had a great relation with her. When she dies, I’m not going to her funeral. Even if I’m sure a lot of people would expect that from me.
    People always have to criticize you anyway. I was criticized because I didn’t marry in Church. I was criticized because I didn’t baptize my daughter. That’s it. We should just do what feels right to us.


  • That could be a good option. I’ve always viewed funerals as a waste of time, make the most of the time we have on this earth, don’t wait til they’re gone :( People who haven’t seen the deceased person or the family for years, turn up to the funeral……why? If you couldn’t be bothered when they were alive, why make the effort when they’re dead?

    • I tend to agree with the sentiment about if you couldn’t be bothered when they are alive, why bother when they pass. People need to think more of the here and now and how much just being there, being a shoulder to cry on, or simply asking are you ok or how is your day? might mean to somebody else.


  • Before my ex-partners father died he was adamant not to attend funeral. As it turned out, he ended up being the one to organise the funeral and got a lot out of meeting people his father was associated with that he did not know. I would really rethink your views on this one as death brings out many emotions and funerals provide a very healing and supportive place.


  • I suggest discussing this with a counsellor as there seems to be layers of issues and you have stated being depressed. No one can decide this for you and you will need to come to your own decision. Personally, I am someone who does need closure and a funeral brings closure for me and the opportunity to connect and even reconnect with family and friends. Many people find tensions ease at a funeral as people are united by their love for a person.


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