Only a step mum - Real Mum story on MoM

6 Comments

Continuously on all the social media you sites you read about how great it is to be a mum…. but what if you can’t be a ‘real’ mum?

That’s my story! My whole life I wanted to be a mum. Do the whole get married, have kids, be settled with the guy I love….but for me, that will never happen. At the age of 30 (I’m 32 now) I was told I can never have kids due to a heart condition I have that I have a high probability of dying in child birth… so my dream of being a mum died that day.

It’s amazing how many people when they hear I can’t have kids want to ‘fix’ the problem for me. Come up with some kind of plan on how they can help me have kids. There is no ‘fix’. I’m only ever going to be a step mum.

My partner has 4 kids to three different women so I get to be a step mum… but sometimes….sometimes I feel like I’ll never have the special bond with him that he has with those other women. I will never have the bond he has to his kids with kids of my own. Some days that really hard to deal with. Some days it’s hard to watch him looking over pictures of his kids when they were babies and reminiscing…. not because I don’t like that he has kids – I love his kids, but because I will never have that. I will never hold a child in my arms that is my child. I’ll never see my child take their first steps, or talk for the first time.

Why is it that we classify ourselves as women on whether we can or can’t have kids? Why are women that can’t have kids looked down at by those who can? Where is it written that you are only truly a women when you are a mum?

Being a step mum – well that’s a whole different story all together!

Posted anonymously, 14th April 2015

6 Comments

- - mom113055 said
  - 26 Apr 2015
    3:08 pm
i ike these stories

- - susan_dione_epiepang said
  - 16 Apr 2015
    12:15 am
Step mums are all the same, they live with a very poisonous instincts. They are fun of maltreating and being of very bad examples to their step kids!! In short they are bad!!

- - mom108530 said
  - 15 Apr 2015
    7:30 pm
I feel compelled to answer your plea. All I can say is to develop a good relationship with your step children and the “Mummy” feelings will come from that. Sure it is grand to hold your own baby, feed them and watch them grow, but after being a Mum (now 28yo) and a step mum (now 22yo) and a foster mum (now 20yo and 17yo);I can truly say each and every one of these children have blessed my life and made me happy, frustrated,angry, hurt and every other feeling in between! Dont dwell too long on what you are missing out on but what you have. As for your partner; after 3 other child bearing relationships he is with you. Yours is an adult relationship. With his children he has a parental relationship. They can not be mixed or compared no matter who bore the child. Best of all wishes go to you for your realisation of peace in your life. You are important to at least a few little people.

- - mom135959 said
  - 15 Apr 2015
    6:05 pm
I was in my mid 30’s when the reality that I was to remain childless came into play. It was devestating for my husband and I as we both wanted a family. I went through lots of difficult times when friends and family became pregnant and new babies came along . I was fortunate though as many in my circle understood if I was unable to show how happy inwas with their news. I have also been blessed in that overthe last 22 years I have had the pleasure of being that “Special Aunty, Big Sister, Nana and Friend” My family have called me a collector as over the years I have had the privilege and pleasure to be a carer for lots of little people from newborns to teens. You will still have those days when I ou grieve for those things that you miss out on. But open your heart and embrace the chances that come your way. It can either consume you or you can grow stronger. Look after you and you will find a peace you can live with.

- - meedee said
  - 15 Apr 2015
    2:18 pm
There are all different types of Mum’s out there.
I have a friend that was also told she was unable to have children. She and her partner adopted a child from overseas. She didnt hold him when he was first born and she didnt see his first steps or any of that but she is his Mum. His REAL Mum and she loves him with all her heart.
I understand that it would be lovely to have a newborn baby and to watch them grow and become adults but there is a lot more to being a Mum then just that and sometimes Real mums dont arrive in a childs life until they the child is older.

How many people have you heard or do you think would answer the question “What makes a good Mum?” with the words…”She was there when i was born” ???? That has very little to do with it.

As for your partner having bonds with these other woman… He is connected to them because of the children but it doesnt mean he has emotional bonds at all. You are who he is with and thats a greater bond then with his past relationships.

I dont believe that you are only only truly a women when you are a mum. Dont even take that thought on because its a load of rubbish and giving birth to a child doesnt make you a true woman or even a great mother.
Maybe, as you say you will never give birth to a baby and maybe you will never hold your new born child but you are given a gift of being able to be a Step Mum. You can be the best possible step mum to those children and know that in years to come the odds are you will become a Grandparent….that right there will be a true gift.
Stop knocking yourself…dont allow anyone else to knock you…you are a gift to those children…you are a gift to your partner.

- - mom93821 said
  - 14 Apr 2015
    6:28 pm
I am sorry that you feel that people judge you and look down on you for not having biological children. I most certainly respect all women regardless of whether they have children or not. Some women cannot have children, some women choose to not have children and some women choose to have children. Mum’s comes in all forms; biological, stepmum, foster mum, grandmum, carer and the list goes on…. A mum is someone who loves and cares for a child and nurtures their development and spirit.