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Article Toilet Training the Un-trainable Child

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Toilet training is something we all need to face as parents.

At some point, your baby is going to go from nappies to using the toilet and it doesn’t always happen as easy as you say it.

This is one of those simple things in life which ‘sounds simple’ but can get very complicated and overwhelmingly frustrating for everybody.

I have to confess that I do not remember having too many hassles toilet training our two kids (who are now 4 and 2) – it wasn’t really that long ago, but I honestly don’t remember the ordeal as clearly as I should. People ask me, ‘how did you do it?’ and I say ‘um, I don’t know. . . it just happened’

There were never any BRIBES

There were never many ACCIDENTS

There was never a –stop-start-relapse-stop-abandon-start- process

It just happened. Both around their 2nd birthday.

Since I have one boy and one girl, you would think I could differentiate between the two as labelling one harder than the other, but again, I don’t think it was that big a deal. I wonder, do we get a little bit caught up in making it a big deal?

I avoided sticker charts, fancy pottys’, treats, lollies, trips to the ZOO! (OK – I don’t know anyone who’s actually done that)– but that’s the extreme emphasis I see surrounding toilet training and I want to simplify it for people who are struggling or wondering how in the world you do it successfully!

Racking my brain, trying to dissect the fading memories, I can put what I did into 5 simple steps:

STEP 1: DECIDE

STEP 2: ACT

STEP 3: BE CONSISTENT

STEP 4: BE ENCOURAGING & POSITIVE

STEP 5: KEEP IT REAL

You and your toddler can learn together to do anything, if you apply consistency, offer direction, guidance and demonstrate positive examples. Children are teachable, if we offer good teachings.

I will break those 5 simple steps down into more detail:

STEP 1: DECIDE

Make a confident decision that YOU are ready to toilet train your toddler (based on the impression that you feel your toddler is ready to follow your lead).

This is not about letting the toddler decide for themselves.

Quite often they will want to remain in their ‘comfort zone’ which is continuing to do what they’ve always done, (which is freely go at anytime, anywhere, in their dacks!) the very thing you want to move away from.

You, as their parent /carer are there to lead them, show them and help them to become independent.

Think about when you (as an adult) have been required to make lifestyle changes. You don’t always ‘feel’ like applying what you know, because it’s ‘easier’ to stay the same in your old ways.

If we based our lives around our feelings we would end up a mess of confusion (because our feelings are so up and down). Sometimes you don’t ‘feel’ like doing something, but you know you have to do it.

We need to teach our children this self-discipline.

STEP 2: ACT

The whole toilet training saga is a process. You will not just decide today that you are going to begin and then expect it to be done tomorrow.

You need to take action, beginning right where you are. I found the following routine useful from about 21 months of age. . . every night before their bath, I would encourage the kids to get undressed and sit on the toilet, not a potty – the toilet (We had a special seat for this).

So they sit up there, all by themselves and I tell them it’s a good idea to do a wee in the toilet before we get in the bath. (Sometimes I would do one before them so they saw what I meant).

They didn’t wee, at first, or second or the sixteenth time they tried this. . . but we kept doing it and one day, unexpectedly, some wee trickled into the toilet, so I became a trumpet of ‘first time wee in the toilet EXCITEMENT!’ gave them a high five and let them flush.

STEP 3: BE CONSISTENT

The most important thing is to be consistent. If you want them to be wearing undies, then don’t put a nappy on them ‘sometimes’ ‘when it suits you’. (I’m against those pull-up training pants too, they’re just a fancy nappy).

The child will get confused. You are trying to teach them that going to the toilet is their only option. If there is an ‘easier’ way, they will use it.

For us – the toilet is our only option. We have no choice. Neither should they.

STEP 4: BE ENCOURAGING + POSITIVE

Try not to make this a daunting law-abiding experience.

If the child feels pressure to go to the toilet and like that’s what they have to do to be loved around here – then they will rebel. Just for the simple fact that they are human and that’s what we do.

If you ask them do they want to go to the toilet, respect their answer.

Don’t second guess them, (unless you see signs of fidgeting, then you can ask them why they are playing with it or tip-toeing their feet, to which they might conclude they actually DO need to go).

If they are confident they don’t need to go –respect that, say ‘ok, you tell Mummy when you need to go’. By doing this they become empowered to make their own decisions and ultimately, become independent.

When they wee in their pants and create a sopping wet mess for you to clean up, right after you’ve just asked them did they need to use the toilet, don’t get frustrated, don’t show disappointment or don’t feel like you should just give up with the whole idea.

Teach them; they made a mistake, a bad decision, help them acknowledge that they need to use the toilet when they feel the urge and move on to hopefully learn next time they will tell you when they’re about to wee.

STEP 5: KEEP IT REAL

Like I said before, it is a process.

But it doesn’t need to be a long drawn out back-step / front-step / side-step / round in circles – process. . .  it is a step-by-step, simple part of growing up. And when they move from thinking ‘I can’t do this’ to ‘I am doing this’ there is no looking back.

Each step they conquer will boost their confidence to continue with the journey.

When there’s one wee or poo been deposited into the toilet – that should be enough evidence to let them (and you) see that they ARE capable of using the toilet (just like you and I).

At this point, there is no need to go back to doing it the lazy way (in a nappy). You’ve witnessed it, and they have experienced it. There is no need to doubt whether they can or can’t use the toilet.

The fact is, they JUST DID!  If it’s a positive experience, they’ll remember that and remember the feeling of accomplishment for next time. I don’t believe there should be bribes or prizes. The ‘reward’ at our house was the privilege of flushing the toilet.

If there was activity, they were allowed to flush. If there’s no activity – they walk away, knowing they can come back and try again later (all the while, anticipating the thrill of flushing the toilet! Or getting a high five!). Real and Simple.

I understand that some kids are not so co-operative when it comes to making changes. Different things work for different people. But taking it back to the fact that we are all human, we eat and . . . well . . . you know . . . the same way. It shouldn’t really be that hard or complicated or wearisome.

Remember . . . they’re growing up, becoming independent and learning to do what grown ups do. They’re not learning rocket science.

They are no different than anyone else who has ever lived before them. It’s just something that we do. We use the toilet.

If you can emphasise that going to the toilet, instead of in our nappies, is what we are going to do from now on. . then your child will admire your leadership and endeavour to meet your expectations.

High fives all round!!

I won’t say “good luck” at this point. I will instead pray that you have wisdom and an enthusiastic child to put the above simple 5 steps into practice.

Love to know what worked for you!

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Comments

  • Well my girls have just turned 2 and I am going to wait for the weather to warm up before I start! Wish me luck!

    Reply

  • I love your advice in step 2. Thanks for a great read

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  • Pull ups are OK as night nappies. If they wake up quick enough and get to the toilet on time they can pull them down and go to the toilet instead of having find you to remove a nappy.
    If the child is a boy you can tell him big boys go to the toilet and the same equivalent to a girl.
    He may soon tell you he is a big boy when he starts using the toilet regularly and a girl tell you she is a big girl. Sometimes they will grab a toy to take with them, hopefully a washable one. Some find it rewarding to be allowed to flush the toilet when they have used it successfully.

    Reply

  • thanks for the great tips

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  • three children and of both genders and toilet training has never been a problem just be consistant and don’t be angry about it. Don’t try for it all at once as in day and night nights take a lot longer

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  • Those steps all seem logical and are probably a practical place to start but I don’t think that there’s a one-size-fits-all approach to this sort of thing. Actually, I think that goes for everything related to parenting.

    • Absolutely Bela! Life is one big learning curve and the height peaks during parenthood. Learning what’s right for you is key. Thank you for commenting 🙂

    Reply

  • all kids are different, girls toilet train earlier than boys do. Pull- ups at nighttime when toilet training help to avoid any nightime mishaps, give the child confidence and make the transition period less stressful for the child. They will only need them for a short while.

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  • consistency is the key in child rearing.

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  • First child a nightmare with second child it just happened with no problems

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  • my kids just started wanting to go, they had their accidents but it seemed easy

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  • My little guy just asked me to use the loo today. Im not even TT, wad waiting till summer, but if he want it, these are grwat tips to help us. Hes 26mo

    • that’s great! kids are good at teaching us impromptu living 🙂

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  • good article!

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  • Thanks for the simple steps and thorough article!

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  • Every child is different, and some will make the transition easier than others. It will usually require an enormous amount of patience, but with encouragement, it can be done … without scarring the child for life, or sending Mummy to the “funny farm”.

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  • that is very encouraging and yes i know i need to stop using pull ups and nappies as a safe thing…No one likes to clean up messes especially no 2s but it has to be done. My youngest has had about 3 successes in the toilet but then decided not to want to anymore. She knows how to and when shes just a silent killer does it in her nappy…and doesnt tell me and lets me find out then gets a really sore red bottom. ouch i tell her u have to tell mummy before u do it and it wont make your bottom sore. i have heard heaps of stories on how to toilet train but she has to do it in her own time

    • JulieRegan, I had a friend experience the same thing with her daughter. Everyone’s advice and techniques were exhausted and she simply just had to do what she could. Like any trials we face though, you come out of it learning valuable lessons and I hope that you can share those to help others. xx much love

    Reply

  • I feel toilet business is different from child to child, just like every child has their own personality. My best wishes to all moms toilet training their little darlings.

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  • Evwn when trained some little ones get so occupied with what they are doing that they simply ignore the need to go to the toilet.

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  • my children were all trained totally by 3 and my grandchildren are also in the same age bracket and none use night nappies thankfully

    Reply

  • I am having the same experience with my almost-Mr-3, but have been reassured most boys aren\’t even ready to start till at least 3. My boy has used the toilet successfully many times but has completely regressed and there\’s now tears and tantrums whenever the toilet is even mentioned. I have done everything \”by the book\” EXCEPT he just doesn\’t seem emotionally ready, so have decided for everyone\’s sake that we\’ll take our foot off the accelerator for now. I don\’t care if that\’s seen as being inconsistent – it\’s the best thing for him right now. I hope something will just click in his little mind at some point, but will attempt it again by summer if not. I\’ve heard it\’s easier if they can run around outside without a nappy as it makes it more obvious to everyone when they\’re going/need to go, and less wet pants for mum to wash! This article is interesting but just not that straightforward or simple for many, and I found it quite disheartening to read actually. Toilet training has by far been the most stressful parenting experience for me thus far, and we\’re all so relieved now that we\’ve decided we\’ll just take our cues from him from now on. Good luck with yours too xxx

    • Hi Latte Mum, I’m sorry to hear you were disheartened reading this. I do understand that every child is different and certainly not every situation or experience is so simple and straightforward. As mums we are always encouraged to do what we feel is right (for our own situation) – I see that’s exactly what you are doing and I honour you for that.
      Like any challenge we face as parents, sometimes it’s so hard to see that “the other side” of the problem even exists. But be assured that once you come out that other side, you will realise it was one of those things you had to face to be the mum that you are to your children. Stronger and wiser  xx

    Reply

  • Ive got 3 kids and didnt have any issues toilet training either other then my youngest refused to sit on the potty….she hated it and wanted to sit on the toilet instead so we purchased one of the toilet seats with steps and handles for her to hold on to. Once we purchased that she was toilet trained within the week.

    Reply
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