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Article What to do about judgy mums

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I was blown away by the comments on an article that I wrote recently called “Surviving Mothers’ Group”. 

There was an outpouring of pain in those comments, particularly on the Mouths of Mums Facebook page, and I’ve found I’ve been thinking about it ever since.

Mums bravely shared their stories about their good, bad (and ugly) experiences with mother’s group.

There were some really interesting and different stories in those comments, for example I loved the story from one mum who shared what it was like being a new mum of an adoptive baby and feeling very ‘different’ because she hadn’t been through the pregnancy and labour experience.

Other mums spoke of the competitive mummies and their ‘perfect’ babies and how truly awful it made them feel, right at a time when they were trying to find their feet.

Sadly I don’t think that experience is limited to mothers’ group… I think we’ve all met our share of competitive and judgmental mummies.

For example, I have a Facebook page for my book, Survivor’s Guide to Colic, and somebody just posted on there rather smugly that the solution to colic was “simple, just breastfeed”.

Not only is this completely factually wrong (colic affects equal numbers of breast and bottlefed babies), but it showed a COMPLETE lack of insight about the challenges that other mums might be experiencing.

I responded politely, correcting the misinformation, but I confess that it really made me cranky.  It was exactly the kind of behaviour other stressed mums described in their comments on my last article.

The common theme that united most of those comments was one of vulnerability and the fear (or the reality) of being judged.

What IS it about motherhood that brings out this fear so strongly?

Sure there are always compulsive perfectionists like me that hate to feel like they are getting anything wrong, but I think it might be something deeper than that.

The fear of ‘getting it wrong’ or acknowledging that we’re having problems or difficulties as a mum seems so much more exaggerated, the vulnerability so much more powerful.

Perhaps the drive to do the best we can for our kids (and therefore the fear of not measuring up) is instinctive?

Or does it just come out so strongly in the context of mother’s group because it is usually a group of brand new mums, who have just gone through major life changes and are trying to figure out a whole lot of new things for the first time – because new experiences often bring out our vulnerabilities.

Vulnerability, perfectionism, judgement… they often walk hand-in-hand, don’t they?

I don’t know about you, but when I’m feeling vulnerable, I have to confess that my knee jerk reaction is to pull up my ‘perfectionism shield’ quick smart so that nobody can hurt me/judge me.

So if I extrapolate that to other mums, maybe that’s where this problem of judgy ‘perfect’ mum issue really stems from? From a mum who’s scared of not measuring up and unfortunately her reaction to that fear actually triggers the fears of other mums around her.

What do you think?  Am I being overly generous or am I onto something here?

OK, I’m sure its not ALWAYS going to be the case, but for me, I think the next time I run across a mum who’s trying very hard to convince me that she and/or her baby is perfect, I’m going to try hard to remember that behaviour is probably stemming directly from the fear that she (or her baby) ISN’T perfect.

So I’m going to grab every last bit of my mummy courage and share as much understanding and compassion as I can, combined with letting her see some of my own vulnerability, in the hope that might just break the cycle.

And if that doesn’t work, well there are so many other wonderful mummies out there who ARE prepared to be real and honest, so I’ll go spend my time with them instead!

Life’s too short – I’ll be spending my time with people that make my life better, not worse!

I’d love to hear what you think – is there something primal about our motherhood vulnerability? 

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Comments

  • People that have to feel the need to come out better or above others and be smug and bully are just insecure and unhappy I believe. I also believe silence is golden and I couldn’t have put it better myself, to spend time with people who make your life better. I too choose to keep people who bring me down at a distance.

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  • Parenting is one of those topics that brings up strong reactions in my experience. Defiance, fear, superiority and vulnerability are common themes.

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  • I always try to remember I am doing my best even if it is not another persons version of perfect 🙂

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  • Interesting topic. I find the best response when I hear a mum criticising another mum is to make a joke along the lines of “you reckon what she’s doing is bad, wait til I tell you what I’ve done!” Tends to shift the dynamic a little and subtly raise the issue of how mothering is hard and we all face challenges but do our best.

    While I’ve encountered my fair share of judgy mums though, I think the vast majority of mums I’ve met are supportive and understanding, as well as respectful of different parenting approaches.

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  • I’ve always lived by the saying ‘walk a day in my shoes then tell me how I’m doing’, mantra. Being an older mum of twins first up, thats in a whole new ballgame, I don’t have time for judgemental people when they have no idea. Great article Jen!

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  • great topic to discuss
    great comments from all the mums

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  • Now that I’ve come through the other side of all of this, I can smile at some of the behaviour I encountered with those judgy mums. Don’t respond to their know it all c**p, they hate it when you ignore their snarky comments and that’s the best way to deal with them, like you don’t give a toss and you shouldn’t. I don’t think vulnerability has anything to do with it, no one likes being criticised and told what to do.

    • Lots of wisdom in that comment – its a really great point about how to minimise the behaviour by not giving it any reaction. Thanks for sharing! Cheers, Jen

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  • I think most women judge because they are insecure themselves, I’ve had women judge me and my baby but I just ignore it, I figure it’s coming from either insecurity or jealousy and that’s their issue not mine.

    • Thanks Susieanne. Sounds like you and I agree about the insecurity/jealousy being one of the key causes. Cheers, Jen

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  • I constantly get judged – I know it, and I don’t care. I will admit I’ve judged other mothers too – we all do to some extent, whether its the mother yelling at her child in the supermarket or the mother and daughter that are having such a great time being together. I just don’t say anything out loud. I might look and think “Wow, I would never let my child do this or that” but I would never say anything to the mother. I never really went to mothers groups, I found it hard in the early days with my twins, just leaving the house and getting them both into the car was an event in itself. But I have been to playgroups – which I guess is the same sort of thing, and those mothers there were always comparing their children with others. I tried to stay out of it, after all I am busy enough with my two. I constantly compare my two with each other – and not because I want to, but because they are twins and I notice different things about them. Like twin 1 doesn’t speak as much as twin 2, and twin 2 is a whole size smaller than twin 1. I guess what I am trying to say is, we’ve all been there, we’ve all been judged and we all judge other mothers. We just need to be nicer about it, pick out the good in other kids and mums, don’t pick out the bad, and don’t say that my child is better than yours. PLAY NICE 🙂

    • That’s a total gem: “play nice” (& focus on the good in others). Sums it up beautifully. Cheers, Jen

      • I have cousins who are twins. One is taller than the other and learnt to talk earlier. They discovered the the bigger one anticipated and gave the other what was wanted before the reequest was made, resulting in a lazy talker. I have a younger brother and I did the same thing with him, not old enough to realise what I was actually doing. I know a family who fostered identical twins except one was a lot smaller than the other but she did gradually catch up sizewise. Luckily they both had name bracelets otherwise they didn’t know who was who. Their son worked out that one of the babies had a slightly deeper cry than the other.

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  • I can’t say I’ve noticed it first hand, I’m sure to have been judged loads, but I don’t care.

    I reckon those judgy mums are most likely very insecure or don’t have any of their own interests. Sad really.

    • Ahhh CloverStorm, there’s magic in your statement: “I don’t care”. I need to take a leaf out of your book & figure out how to not care. Cheers, Jen

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  • I just laugh and say some mums just need to stop comparing themselves with those that ONLY THINK they are wonderful. (BECAUSE THEY AREN’T) and their kids are more than likely the ones that cause all the trouble in class.

    • Interesting Deangunna – I like your point about mums stopping comparing themselves (cf other mums being “judgy”). I know that I’m usually holding myself up to unattainable standards, its a great point that for those of us that do that we have to take responsibility for that ourselves and REALISE that its impossible/not real. Thanks, Jen

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  • the best thing you can do is find fun honest friends who will not judge you or others and just get on with things and share problems and concerns and help problem solve, not judge. No one is perfect!

    • Beautifully put Curlytops!! Absolutely agree. Cheers, Jen

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  • I try so hard to put myself in others shoes before I open my mouth. I just wish others would learn to do this as well. As I teach my kids how would you feel if it was said to you?

    • Nice one Pakeko – sounds like you’re teaching your kids exactly what’s needed and helping shape the next generation in the right direction anyway. Love your work! Cheers, Jen

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  • I will never understand why people are so hard on other people — if those types of things happened in the workplace it would be bullying and harassment. Gah! Boils my blood!! Rant over!!

    • Hey Sambii, yep it is hard to fathom isn’t it? Lets work on spreading a little sunshine and love and hope that catches on instead. Cheers, Jen

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  • I guess Ive been very lucky. When my kids were in kindy and preschool the other Mums there were all wonderful. We all bonded and got on really well and my youngest is now in her teens but im still friends with some of those Mums from the kindy group.

    • That is awesome MeeDee! I hope more Mums start reporting that their experiences are like yours 🙂 Cheers, Jen

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  • I agree with Jen. There will always be mums who say their babies and kids are perfect! Anybody that tells me that their child or children never misbehave are in dreamland! .I had to laugh at that woman that had the nerve to tell the author Jen that colic can be stopped if you breast feed. I was a midwife for a very long time and trust me babies that are breast fed get colic just like bottle fed babies.

    • Hey thanks Robyn – coming from an experienced midwife, that’s a hugely helpful comment. Colic is nightmare enough without mums being made to feel guilty based on misinformation!! Really appreciate you sharing that. Cheers, Jen

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  • Interesting post. I understand the colic thing as been there done that 2 times with the 3rd time being lucky. I like your interesting article as I can relate.

    • 3rd time lucky hey? That’s good news – I hope we’re lucky next time too! Cheers, Jen

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  • My advice is to ignore these self centered, self proclaimed perfect mummies and spend time with the real down to earth, lovely to spend time with you mums. Years down the track you will develop a harder outer shell and folks that get on peoples goat will not bother you as much. All my best wishes to our lovely moms on here and best wishes and love to you JEN.

    • Hey thanks for the love Cherz! Right back atchya You’re so right about also working on not letting it get to you. Cheers, Jen

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  • I am a mother of 7. Now aged between 6 and 24. Also a grandmother of 3 from 2 to 5. Different things work for different babies. One of my children was lactose intolerant and something in my breast milk made her colicy as well. It is just finding what best works with your particular baby though you may have to try a few different things at first.

    • Love it – a mum of 7 and a GM of 3, that’s a very strong experience base to comment from. Am going to take your comment to heart and remember it next time I need it!! Thanks, Jen

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  • Well, as hard as it is, just ignore them and know what you do is right for you. Yes I guess all mums ‘know’ their babies are just the cutest and best little darlings. I have 4 kids. Not a new mum.. my oldest is 16 then 11, 9, 8. With my first she was extremely unsettled. Suffered bad colic….oh my, she was bottle fed after 5 days of excruciating pain and bleeding nipples. Well if it was because I bottle fed, then how come my son (3rd child) also bottle fed after born premmie and all the issues of sleepy prems was a happy gurgly baby every day with no colic? hhhmmm.
    Will I mention that my 2 breast fed kids co slept with me. Gee the amount of people who told me off about that one. Well they certainly aren’t still sleeping in my bed now are they?
    My sons favourite sleep position was his tummy. Oh no, he was bottle fed and always rolled onto his tummy to sleep. I know the risk of sids, but he rolled himself and hated the boob.
    All my kids have grown up into healthy children with know psychological problems from any of the bad parenting things I might have done.
    I Guess what I’m saying is we all are learning as new mums, and a bit of jealousy does occur like when Jo is walking and her Jenny who is three weeks older is only starting to crawl…My 16 yo never walked until 20mths….that must of been from me carrying her all the time, so I was often told. Hey my youngest was running at 9 mths!! The other 2 at 11mths.

    Rambling sorry. Now that baby days are behind me I just think who cares what anyone else says or thinks. Enjoy the now, before long they will be 16, 11, 9 and 8 🙁

    • Well said, all to soon they grow up.

      • Not rambling at all – I loved reading about the different experiences and circumstances that you’d had with your different kids. Really makes the point that there’s more than one way to do it “right”. Thanks so much for sharing this response – I got a lot out of it. Cheers, Jen

    Reply
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