Pregnancy has never been particularly easy for me. The actual getting pregnant part is super easy, in fact I’m a little too fertile. The problem for me is actually holding onto a pregnancy.
Back when I was just 18 I fell pregnant to my long term boyfriend… I wasn’t sure what to do… the decision to abort was a long and hard road, but I eventually came to terms with it, and the deed was done.
10 years later, I met the man of my dreams. By this I mean we are soulmates. We met, had an instant connection, and fell pregnant instantly. Our daughter was not planned, very far from it, but she is our world. She is our little miracle baby.
My waters broke around the 22 week mark. I was laying in bed one morning and could feel some slight cramping.. I really thought nothing of it as I had experienced so much ligament pain. But as I stood to get breakfast, I felt a gush of water… I immediately phoned my husband and we rushed to the hospital in a blind panic. I don’t actually remember much of what happened immediately when we got there. I do remember them making me feel as though I was overreacting a little, and did I really feel a gush? Eventually, after numerous scans, they checked me into a room to monitor me overnight, and to wait for a specialist.
The next moments were the most frightening of my life. The specialist arrived and told me to remain calm. Obviously I started to panic. He told me he had called an ambulance and I was to be immediately transferred to the local women’s hospital which had specialist facilities for early births. I was in the very early stages of labour, and my babys life was in serious danger. He emphasised the importance of remaining calm (completely impossible at this point).
I was transferred, and remained on bed rest for the rest of my pregnancy. After some weeks I was allowed to rest at home rather than the hospital, but it was a horrible, agonising pregnancy. I wasn’t alowed to move. at all. I could use the toilet, and have a 2 minute shower each day. If i needed to do number 2’s, I wasn’t allowed to push as anything could set off labour again. Each time I stood up more water would trickle out… it was just plain horrible. I had been given steroid injections in case our baby arrived early…
To cut a long story short, our beautiful baby girl arrived at 31 weeks. She was early, but she was absolutely perfect, and above all else, healthy. She remained in special care for just 5 days and then we were allowed home.
Just a year after this pregnancy, I fell pregnant again. We were shocked, but over the moon. The last pregnancy hadn’t been the greatest, but surely this one would be better. Everyone else had wonderful experiences, and I was desperate for the same. We had the 7 and 12 week scans and things were perfect. Our baby was just perfect, a strong heartbeat, and I was feeling great, albeit a lot of morning sickness and so so tired. At 16 weeks, my waters broke again. My heart stopped. I was inconsolable, and in a complete panic. Once again we rushed to the hospital. Only this time the results were worse. ‘I’m sorry but your baby has no heartbeat’…. those words chilled me to the bone, and will remain with me always.
I will skip over the greiving that took place. Those of you who have experienced something similar will know the pain, and time it took to process our loss.
One year on, just 7 months ago, we discovered we were pregnant again. Again, it wasn’t planned – I told you I get pregnant easily!! – but again, we were ecstatic. We remained overly cautious and very very nervous. We knew the risks, but our doctors assured us the chances of losing another baby were like ‘winning the lottery’. Turns out we should have bought a ticket.
We had our 7 week scan, and saw a beautiful baby with a strong heartbeat. Things appeared great, again I was experiencing morning sickness and was very tired, but with a toddler running around I thought nothing of it. Our doctor was amazing and allowed us to have weekly scans until we were comfortable that things were okay. We had our 12 week scan and things were perfect. But at 14 weeks I sensed something had happened. Something didn’t feel right. I immediately booked an appointment with the obstetrician. I laid on the table, and he placed the ultrasound wand on my belly. I knewas soon as I looked at the screen. I looked the doctor in the eye and said ‘there’s no heartbeat is there?’ and he shook his head and said ‘no, I’m sorry’.
This time around, we opted for genetic testing. I needed answers. I was struggling, in a bad headspace, and just couldn’t process why this kept happening to me. I felt like I was on autopilot, continuing to live life, but never able to stop thinking what went wrong… did I eat something I shouldn’t have? etc etc. But the reality is, I did everything right. We were so SO careful to not do anything that would jeopardise this pregnancy. We wanted it so so badly.
The genetic testing showed our baby had Triploidy Syndrome – in the doctors words, a syndrome that is ‘incompatible with life’. Had our baby have miraculously made it to full term, it wouldn’t have survived longer than just a couple of hours, and even then it would have been severely deformed and in a lot of pain.
Somehow I felt this should have made me feel better. It seemed to make everyone else feel better. But it didn’t, I just couldn’t move on. I still can’t. It’s still very fresh, and I can’t even believe I am telling my story now… I don’t talk about this with anyone.
My family, and my husband’s family act as though I should move on. My friends don’t talk about it at all, and my husband avoids talking about it as much as possible as I know it hurts him just as much.
The pain and loss we have experienced is just unspeakable, I can’t put it into words. I know this story is jumbled and may not make sense, but my mind is so all over the place.
My husband wants to try again, I need some time.
The hardest part for me is just that noone talks about it. Those baby’s were living humans. Their little feet may never have touched the ground, they may not have ever taken their first breaths, but they were my baby’s. I will never forget them, no matter how many children I give birth to.
Sometimes I see the pain in my husbands eyes and it brings me to tears again. All around us our friends and family are continuing to have babies, with perfect uneventful pregnancies. They are insensitive to say the least. My sister in law actually just texted me today to tell me to come to the hospital to visit her and meet her new baby because ‘mine didn’t make it shes happy to share’.
I dont even have the words to explain.
I hope this story may touch someone who has been through a similar loss.
For those wondering, I am actually coping okay – but the constant reminders are a litlte too much.
Posted by budmeister, 6th June 2013