Do you remember when you were in pre-school or even primary school the teachers, or family and friends would ask “What do you want to be when you grow up?” My response had always been “A mum.” To be a mum has been my dream for as long as I can remember.

After 3 months of trying for a baby there still wasn’t anything happening for us I took myself to the doctor, had millions of appointments and blood tests done only to be told “It’s impossible for you to fall pregnant naturally.” I was absolutely heartbroken. I started suffering from depression, which I made harder on myself because I never let on to anyone, not even my partner. We tried for our baby naturally for 19 months before I gave in after multiple negative tests and took myself to a fertility specialist who prescribed me medication. I bought it and had a break down afterwards and said I needed to put it on pause and take time to focus on my mental health because I wasn’t in the right mind frame to have a happy pregnancy. That’s when I found out I was pregnant. I beat the odds and I fell pregnant naturally. We were gifted with a precious baby, happy healthy and beautiful.

Fast forward just before our baby turned 10 months my partner and I decided we were ready for another one. Sitting in the back of my mind was paranoia about having to wait another 19+ months before a positive test gifted us. After trying for 3 months I got a very faint positive test. Before I even had the chance to surprise my partner it was taken away from me. I had a miscarriage only hours later. It was excruciating on my body and my heart. It’s been tough on my partner as well. When I was finally ready to tell my best friend about what happened I started getting these vibes that she was pregnant. Sure enough, half an hour after I told her what had happened she announced to me her pregnancy. I was and am really excited for her and her husband, she doesn’t have any close family or friends apart from my partner and I so I have really helped her out so far this pregnancy, with little gifts and being there for her when she is struggling or needs information. I worked out that she would have conceived only 1-2 weeks after me so seeing her hit all these pregnancy milestones has been really tough on my mental health. The other week I started getting lots of pregnancy symptoms, so I took a test and got a very very faint line. I waited a week before I took another one expecting it to say positive it came up with a stark blank negative. Absolutely heartbroken again. We have been trying now for baby number 2 for 6-7 months and not having much luck. I have my days where I am very doubtful but then I try to talk to my partner about our future with 2 kids to remind myself that it will happen for us eventually.

To all the mum’s and dad’s suffering from infertility, I feel your pain. I am hurting with you too. Please know you aren’t alone. It is tough times now but when your moment is supposed to come it will. Please try to stay positive, happy and healthy. I am trying my best too. Good luck mummy’s and daddy’s, I hope your time comes soon. As I hope ours does too.

Posted anonymously, 16th September 2020

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