Sorry for the long story but I need to get it all off my chest and I have no one to talk to..
I’ve got two beautiful children and our youngest is 7 months old. Since the birth I’ve been getting progressively angrier, resentful over a lot of things and towards a lot of people and I’m constantly bogged down in negative thoughts. My husband talked to me about it a couple of months ago and floated the idea that I might have PND and I thought it was possible but it didn’t seem like it. We agreed that I’d get my diet under control and start exercising more to try and combat it. One thing led to another, life got more stressful and busy and it hasn’t happened. Things came to a head the other night where I just lost it. Everything just got on top of me and I broke down and again my husband said it out loud, that he thinks I have PND. I don’t want to accept it but I know he’s probably right.
I’ve had depression before, I know the symptoms, I know the science behind it all, but it doesn’t stop me from feeling like it’s my fault, that I should just snap out of it and stop being stupid. I desperately don’t want to go on medication because I’ve seen what it’s done to people and I don’t want to end up being dependant on it. My husband has assured me he won’t let that happen but I can’t help but think, what if we get so busy with life he doesn’t notice and can’t help me stop it? But I don’t see any other way around it. I’m so constantly down that the thought of eating makes me want to cry, the house is a complete mess with dirty dishes and clothes, I haven’t vacuumed in weeks but I can’t find any energy or motivation to fix it, so I don’t know how to help myself with eating and exercise. I know what to do, I know how to do it, I just..can’t.
We have no friends because we’ve just recently moved and I’m struggling to get out to playdates to make friends, we have no family close by to help (not to mention they’re dysfunctional to begin with and I feel would just add more stress to my life), my husband is amazing but we’re running our own business so he’s not around much. We struggle every week to make ends meet. Somehow I’ve managed to scrape by this pay and get us enough food to last until next pay, enough food to hold a birthday party for my daughter (which I’ve been on the verge of cancelling several times but my husband has convinced me not to), I found a cheque from medicare that will pay for her present, but now the cat has worms, our youngest is teething and we don’t have any panadol to give her. She’s never slept well and this is making it worse (she wakes up at least 3-4 times a night) and because of the business hubby can’t help me during the night otherwise he can’t function to run the business. It’s all just so overwhelming and stressful, I have an aversion to medication and any and all health care providers (including counsellors, I don’t feel they’d be very helpful), I just don’t know what to do. No that’s not true, I know what needs to be done I just..I’m struggling to accept it and don’t know how to overcome my fears.
Sorry again for the long story, I just needed to get it all of my chest somewhere..
Posted anonymously, 1st July 2014