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Sorry for the long story but I need to get it all off my chest and I have no one to talk to..

I’ve got two beautiful children and our youngest is 7 months old. Since the birth I’ve been getting progressively angrier, resentful over a lot of things and towards a lot of people and I’m constantly bogged down in negative thoughts. My husband talked to me about it a couple of months ago and floated the idea that I might have PND and I thought it was possible but it didn’t seem like it. We agreed that I’d get my diet under control and start exercising more to try and combat it. One thing led to another, life got more stressful and busy and it hasn’t happened. Things came to a head the other night where I just lost it. Everything just got on top of me and I broke down and again my husband said it out loud, that he thinks I have PND. I don’t want to accept it but I know he’s probably right.

I’ve had depression before, I know the symptoms, I know the science behind it all, but it doesn’t stop me from feeling like it’s my fault, that I should just snap out of it and stop being stupid. I desperately don’t want to go on medication because I’ve seen what it’s done to people and I don’t want to end up being dependant on it. My husband has assured me he won’t let that happen but I can’t help but think, what if we get so busy with life he doesn’t notice and can’t help me stop it? But I don’t see any other way around it. I’m so constantly down that the thought of eating makes me want to cry, the house is a complete mess with dirty dishes and clothes, I haven’t vacuumed in weeks but I can’t find any energy or motivation to fix it, so I don’t know how to help myself with eating and exercise. I know what to do, I know how to do it, I just..can’t.

We have no friends because we’ve just recently moved and I’m struggling to get out to playdates to make friends, we have no family close by to help (not to mention they’re dysfunctional to begin with and I feel would just add more stress to my life), my husband is amazing but we’re running our own business so he’s not around much. We struggle every week to make ends meet. Somehow I’ve managed to scrape by this pay and get us enough food to last until next pay, enough food to hold a birthday party for my daughter (which I’ve been on the verge of cancelling several times but my husband has convinced me not to), I found a cheque from medicare that will pay for her present, but now the cat has worms, our youngest is teething and we don’t have any panadol to give her. She’s never slept well and this is making it worse (she wakes up at least 3-4 times a night) and because of the business hubby can’t help me during the night otherwise he can’t function to run the business. It’s all just so overwhelming and stressful, I have an aversion to medication and any and all health care providers (including counsellors, I don’t feel they’d be very helpful), I just don’t know what to do. No that’s not true, I know what needs to be done I just..I’m struggling to accept it and don’t know how to overcome my fears.

Sorry again for the long story, I just needed to get it all of my chest somewhere..


Posted anonymously, 1st July 2014


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  • You are lucky that your husband sees the problem. I hope you’ve found help.

    Reply

  • Oh yes, anxiety runs in our family and I understand as the combination of trying to be a good mother and running a household is tough . How I coped in the past with life in general is just talking to an understanding person . If you feel you are getting worse , then popping into a trusty family doctor is a good start and a sympathetic ear can do wonders to your mood. You will walk out feeling understood. As you mention , suppressing your feelings is a good way to increase anger and sometimes it is best to talk to an outside person who won’t judge you and help you along the way . Hope you get support very soon .

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  • I agree with Gouldie. Take it one step at a time.

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  • you need a friend! talk to someone who will help pick you up. don’t stress!

    Reply

  • the story is exellent


    • There are so many issues here. One is that you don’t have an adequate support network. Are you able to join a mothers group? You seem to be so adverse to antidepressants. I wouldn’t believe all the stories that you have heard. On the right dose and drug, antidepressants can make you feel ‘normal’ and be able to cope.
      You need to book an appointment with your GP who can do a mental health assessment. You can then be referred to a psychologist for 10 free sessions in a year and maybe a psychiatrist who can manage medications.
      I know it must be so difficult for you to break this all down because you are so overwhelmed. Your husband is supportive. Address the PND first and then you can address the other problems. It is not your fault. You haven’t caused this.
      There is a group called PANDA who deal with PND. Even if you just call them for advice, you aren’t letting anyone down.
      The best of luck to you and your family.

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  • nice story to have a read

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  • Have you thought about going to see a psychologist I see one and she’s great we just talk about things that trigger my mood swings and she gives me advice on how to deal with it and ways to help me stop myself from getting to the point where I just snap.
    Good luck hope everything works out for you :)

    Reply

  • Absolutely agree with the bottom comment. It must’ve been so hard to open up with everything that’s happening and admitting that you need help. It may be scary to take the next step but you owe it to yourself to be happy and confident. Allow yourself to get the help you need and vent all you want if it somehow brings healing even if you contacted friends through phone or social media it’s nice to be connected and I’m sure there are many people that are willing to listen and support you. It takes time to overcome fear but I’m sure your husband will walk with you hand in hand if you allow him

    Reply

  • You are not alone. If accepting help was easy, then PND wouldn’t be recognised as the issue that it is. Money stress and having no local support or connections only compounds your situation. But you have taken a first step, using this site as a way of admitting things that you know you’ve tried to deny. Now take another step, whether it is exercise or speaking to Beyond Blue, Panda or another group that offers telephone support. You obviously love your kids and your husband, so remember that they feel distressed to see you like this. It takes time to develop friends and handle money problems, but you need to take care of yourself first.

    Reply

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