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When I was 24 I went to a psychic. Some people believe in what psychics have to say and some do not. I was indifferent. She told me lots of things about my future. One was that I would not stay with my then boyfriend who I thought I was going to marry. (We broke up a few months later). The other interesting thing she said was that I would have three children. I knew I would have kids but three? That seemed like a lot to me.

Life went on and one day I was invited to go with an artist I worked with to see another psychic. I was 29 at the time. She was very well known and many celebrities have used her so I figured why not! She told me I would marry in a few years and have three children. REALLY? AGAIN? Ok. It still seemed like a lot to me but if that is what they are saying…

A few years later I did meet my husband. Early on he asked me how many kids I wanted. I said I want one and see what happens. I really knew I was supposed to have three but in my mind I was getting older and did not know if I wanted to be pregnant more than one time.

I got pregnant fairly easily with my son in 2007. The excitement of becoming a mother quickly faded early in my first trimester. I was one of the unfortunate women who suffered from severe prepartum and postpartum depression. Through intense therapy and heavy medication I became stable. But stable was not good enough to feel good about having more children.

I remember holding my son when he was three weeks old. The insane love I had for this child was more than I had ever known. I also remember the pain I felt emotionally and physically. It was so hard to get through each day. The intrusive thoughts that were yelling at me “remember this moment if you ever decide to have another child).

What postpartum did to me was scare me enough to know that I was not healthy enough to have more children. My body, my mind, my marriage, and most of all my sons happiness were more important. I know many women who suffer from PPD go on to have more children. I wish I could have been one of them. After all I was supposed to have three.

It has been almost six years since I gave birth. I still struggle with depression and OCD. It just hasn’t gone away. I work hard every minute of the day to be a great mother and role model for my son. I still have a lot of work to do on myself.

Interesting enough I recently went to yet another psychic. Guess what she told me? That’s right…three kids.

This is what I have learned. I was supposed to have more children. I would have loved them unconditionally and would have given all of me to be a great and very present mother. But I also know the big risk that I would be taking if I did have them. My son so desperately wants a brother or sister. He would be a great older brother. I want to give him that more than you can imagine. I know only one thing that he wants more than a sibling. He doesn’t know it yet but he wants a happy and healthy mommy. I hope one day he will understand that although I want to make all his dreams come true, I want to be around to see all of them happen.

So I think it is time to say goodbye. I am going to say goodbye to the idea of a bigger family. I am going to say goodbye to the feeling that I did not achieve everything in life that I was supposed to. Most importantly I am going to say goodbye to the two children that I never had. I will always love them and I will miss them but this is what is best for me and my little family.

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Posted by Lindsay Lipton Gerszt, 27th March 2014