16 weeks have passed which feels like alot longer. Its been such an emotional rollercoaster, always reminding myself why I did this and why I put myself through this. The pain was horrible but its a vague memory now. Unless I move to quick or the wrong way. Sometimes its very hard to look in the mirror without crying and thinking about how ugly I look, sometimes I hate that I have no feeling in my breasts, or that I have no nipples or that im covered in ugly scars, sometimes I just breakdown especially on days where im over emotional. Dad was in my dream the other night and then I had a terrible morning and I couldnt sleep. Gosh I miss him, I cant believe its been almost 7 months since he left us for the other side. I never thought I would feel so empty especially because in reality, dads passing was a waiting game since I can remember. He knew briefly that I was doing the surgery but we never spoke about it in detail, I’m not sure he would have understood much of it, I just hope he understands now and is looking down, proud.
Because part of the reason for having my surgery was because of what cancer has done to my family and more so after he passed from cancer. My journey has been for my kids, I never wanted them to watch me get sick (if I did), I could never have them watch me fight cancer like I watched my mum, that broke me, not watching them grow up and being by their side, was something I wasn’t going to let happen. For my husband, my rock, my soul mate & best friend, having him feel helpless while I battle cancer “(if i got it) and possibly lose the battle and to not grow old together is something I also could not let happen. For my mum, what a beautiful person she is, the strongest person I know for what cancer done to you Mum, not only fighting it yourself but for what it did to you when it took your mum away from you, so young. For what it done to your mum and to your dad. For what it done to nanna Doreen and everyone else after losing her and then finally, for taking my Dad.
When I woke up from my 12hr surgery and felt a small sense of victory over cancer and it was a great feeling! For those who didn’t support my decision, told me to wait until I actually get cancer, told me I’m self mutilating and cutting off healthy breasts, you were all wrong! My pathology results showed there was changes in my breast tissue and it was a matter of time, I did the right thing! It may not be the right thing for everyone, but it was the best decision for me.
I’m still healing which is probably going to be for another few weeks but I have no regrets and would do it all again for all the same reasons! This surgery isnt just surgery its a journey, its sometimes a very hard journey and im still on mine…..
Posted by mrsgreen12, 7th August 2014