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Article The Sisterhood Of Shame

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Recently I was scrolling through the responses on a Facebook page to a mother who asked for tips and a bit of reassurance around her decision to put her toddler into childcare.

Her daughter was not happy, cried each morning at drop-off and generally had problems with adjusting.

She felt torn by mother guilt, as though she was making the wrong decision, but also wondered whether this was all a normal part of adjusting to childcare and she should stay firm.

Are You A Judgey McJudgey?

Most of the responses were positive, in fact overwhelmingly so. But there was that critical minority that took it upon themselves to get all Judgey McJudgerson on this mother. “Stay at home if you can”, advised one woman before adding, “I would always put the emotional well-being of my child first” (inference: you clearly don’t). Another woman suggested that the original poster reconsider their life choices and what it really important in life because “they are only little once” (inference: don’t be short-sighted, stay at home!).

In my own experiences I’ve come across some judging too of my own use of childcare – all from other women.

I’ve had someone gasp “so soon!?” when I said my son was going into childcare at twelve months so I could return to work.

Another asked how many hours he was going to childcare and then exclaimed that “that’s an awful lot of time away from mum for such a little tot”. And my personal favourite – an inspirational quote someone shared with me: “we live two lives; one for us and one for our children”.

I’ve learnt to dodge commentary by front-loading my explanation that my son goes to childcare with financial justifications. Unfortunately, I don’t have a money tree in the backyard so off he goes to care! It’s not possible to take more than two years maternity leave without losing my job so off he goes to care! That pesky rent won’t pay itself so off he goes to care!

Why Do I Do It?

While these are all true points, my son really goes to care for two central underlying reasons.

Firstly, I need something that reminds me I am a person outside of the sometimes all-consuming role of mother and that engages the skills I took seven years at university to learn.

Secondly, I also want to show my son that we are blessed to live in a society where people can do whatever they want if they set their minds to it. For me, that means worker and mother. For others, that means stay at home mum. And that’s perfectly hunky dory ok. I never say any of these things though. I feel shamed into thinking my personal needs are somehow selfish or beside the point.

But why should I or any other working woman feel ashamed for their choices?

It’s 2018 for goodness sake! Wasn’t that the whole point of the feminist movement, that women had the right to choose? I don’t mind if someone stays at home so why should someone mind that I don’t?

These are choices and we should all – men and women alike – be celebrating each and every one because women have exercised their right to make them.

I find it odd that the harshest critics of women are often other women. Why is that so hard for some of us to pat each other on the back?

The life I have chosen comes with benefits and sacrifices but so does every choice in parenting. It is a give and take relationship, like all relationships. And it is in that exchange that the relationship can become richer and more vibrant, complex and fulfilling for all parties involved. I want my son to understand that. I want him to have that in his life.

I’m sorry if there are people out there who think this is not the very best I can do for my child because, on the whole, I think it works pretty awesomely for us.

Image courtesy of Shutterstock.com

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Comments

  • Enjoyed reading your post. I was a stay at home mum and got the digs from other women because I didn\’t go to work. The comments about them needing the stimulation (I was obviously too thick to need any), they loved having their own money (I was a kept woman). My kids are teenagers now but I am still amazed at how women judge each other….about everything. It starts with how you deliver your baby to how you feed it and just goes from there. Women should either be supportive or just be quiet. Its a tough enough job.

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  • Some very valid points. I’m a stay at home mum and feel like I have to justify why I’m staying at home with my 2 girls. I think we are our own worst enemies when it comes to parenting etc. We shouldn’t judge each other – it’s a tough gig no matter how you go about it and we don’t know the back story for each family. I’m sure the majority of parents are doing the best they can for their family with the resources they have at the time.

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  • I went back to work 2 days a week when our daughter was 12months. Some of it was financial, some of it so I got to be amongst adults for some time by myself (I actually found it relaxing) but also for us it was important our daughter was around other kids – she’s IVF & we were only ever going to get one as it turned out. Child care has done wonders for her socialisation & confidence. It’s such a shame people can be so judgmental, child rearing is hard enough as it is & each child & their families needs are different.

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  • I’ll defend childcare till the cows come home, both my boys went in as babies, as a new mum they helped me with milestones and the advise I’ve received from the highly trained staff, many of who have raised children of their own is invaluable, for me being able to step out of the house and work, has helped me feel fuller and ultimately happier, therefor that has benefited my boys

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  • People will always voice their opinion and think they have the right to judge. You just do what is right for your family and stick to it. Our little one is in childcare one day a week, on the odd occasion two days a week and that works for us.

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  • It seems no matter what you do someone judges. With my first child I went back one day/week when she was 13 weeks old. She loved daycare, I loved contributing financially, and I loved being an adult for that one day each week. Other people didn’t like the idea. When she was 15 months I worked two days/week. I got positive comments and negative comments.
    With my second I was unable to go back to work (despite my intentions). I have had people asking since she was a few weeks old when I was going back to work. I got criticised as a part time working mum, I would surely get criticised as a full time working mum, and now I get criticised as a stay at home mum. Currently I am studying via correspondence so I can have a mainly home based career. I get a little bit of criticism (perhaps I should get a part time job in the mean time, have I considered doing…..). I just comment that daycare for 2 children would be too expensive compared to what I would earn but it’s a shame that we need to justify our choices.

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  • What made me click on this article, was the question in the email that said “Are we all too judgy these days?”. I think we have ALWAYS been (and probably always will be) judgy as a society. The point to make is that good manners and basic decorum used to mean that people kept their negative, unhelpful advice/opinions etc to themselves. For some reason there are those who no longer believe that such manners are not required and therefore make their opinion public, sharing their negativity socially. My best (although perhaps not that useful) advice is to simply ignore the negativity. No one needs it.

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  • Great article. Unfortunately we are very judgemental of both of others and ourselves. I believe that the need to express negative judgements is often a reflection of the person saying/writing it. When people are feeling bad about themselves for any reason, including their own childcare choices (or lack of choice), it often makes them feel better to pass judgement on others. Sad but true.

    I actually do not think that judging others is new, it’s just that everything is so public now, that there are new avenues to put your opinions out there (often anonymously or at least at arms length). Years ago women would have discussed these issues mostly with friends and family and thus outsiders, who don’t know the situation, would not have been able to have their say.

    In regards to childcare, I firmly believe that every person has to make the best choice for their family and the children involved. And unless you personally know a woman, her family and her children, and the ins and outs of their daily life, you should keep your opinions to yourself.

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  • It should be the choice of the parents not others. There are many reasons why mums and dads go to work or stay home. My sister was judged for going back to work but here husband was also labeled as he stayed home. She had a good job to go back to and he was laid off.

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  • Totally agree!

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  • Agree completely M!

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  • I agree with you Meagan! I dislike people that judge and think they know it all!

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  • We need to support each other as women not put us down

    • Yes totally agree with you there! I just don’t understand why many women can’t bring themselves to.

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  • Totally agree women judge each other far harsher than they would a man but we can also be very hard on ourselves. I felt an enormous amount of guilt when my 13mth old went to daycare however she settled in very well, loves interacting with all the other children, is in an educational environment and now doing things she has learnt from the other children.
    On the flipside, I was kept home until I started school and I had a lot of issues (extreme shyness) and this impacted me in a number of ways. My mother used to say she was glad for all the time we had together, but to be honest – I was too young to remember.

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  • Thank you for sharing! As a working mum, I am already full of guilt for leaving my kids each day. I do not need judgement from other mums who have made different decisions. I choose not to make negative comments about other’s parenting decisions as I would be heartbroken if I found out others were judging my choices. I like to think I’m doing a good job raising my kidlets- i’m far from perfect but im doing my best. I think us mummies need cut each other some slack, stop judging and start accepting and supporting. 🙂

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  • Best to ignore the judgment! Be strong and march on and do what works best for you and your family. No one walks in your shoes and no one knows why you make your choices and quite honestly those choices are no one’s business anyway! It is also best not to look for approval as not everyone will agree with individual choices as everyone does have a different opinion. Quite honestly, it is just someone else’s opinion and they are entitled to have an opinion too. Have faith in your own life choices and life plan and do the best you can to achieve those goals! When you are busy ‘kicking’ your own goals there is no time for the negativity of others! 🙂

    • What a wonderful response ..I couldn’t have said it better myself.
      I do not have facebook but the things I have read on public facebook company sites is enough for me too stay well away from facebook (my personal choice though).

      • Thank you CHERZ! A lovely comment! I do live and breathe this and it truly does push you forward and ‘drowns’ out the negativity. Good on you for doing what is authentic for you too! 🙂

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  • Thank you for sharing. I totally agree with you
    I was judged for going back to work when my daughter was 6 months old.I was lucky enough to have my Mum mind her as it was a temporary role but I still got ” you going back to work already” fromanother mum.

    Reply
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