What to do for your friend if they've had a miscarriage

Have you ever wondered what to say to a friend who’s had a miscarriage?

As we all grieve in our own way it’s difficult to know the best thing to say to someone who has had a miscarriage, especially if you haven’t been through it yourself.

Here are some ideas to help you help your friend:

Try to:

Express that you’re there for them and will provide support if they need it. Even saying something as simple as “I can’t imagine how you are feeling” or “I am so sorry for your loss” will show that you care about their feelings.
Your friend could be feeling quite lonely so make sure you call, text, send a card and/or flowers – or even all of the above. They might not be up to responding to you, but at least you will be showing that you are thinking of them and leaving the door open should they want to reach out to you.
Listen to what they say about their loss. They may have wished for this baby for longer than you know, a parent’s love for their baby isn’t measured by how old the baby was.
Offer support to their partner, they’re most likely going through just as much so don’t leave them out of the equation if you can help it.
Bereaved parents often find it hard to ask for help. Rather than saying “let me know if there’s anything I can do to help” make a specific offer of help that they can say a straight out yes or no to such as ” I’m going shopping later what should I pick up for you?” Don’t be upset if they refuse the offer but do make sure you keep offering every now and again – they may just take you up on it eventually!

Many parents will welcome the opportunity to talk about their loss or how they are feeling. So ask, “how are you doing today?” as this will give them chance to open up. Remember not all will want to talk so be mindful of this too. Let them lead the conversation but show you care even if it’s upsetting for you too. Don’t be afraid to show your own feelings.
Someone who has lost a baby may find it difficult to be around pregnant friends and/or young children. On the other hand some friends who are pregnant or have young children may avoid the parent who is grieving and this could further upset the grieving parent. If unsure maybe call and ask them or ask another family member.
Gently encourage the parents to take the time they need to grieve and not to expect too much too soon of themselves.
A phone call or visit or card on significant dates such as the baby’s due date may mean a great deal.
Continue to keep in touch – time may pass but a loss is something that will remain with them for longer than just a few months.

Try not to:

Delay in seeing them because you don’t quite know what to say.
Unless you have been in the same situation try not to say that you know what they are going through.
Suggest what a bereaved parent should be feeling or doing. We all grieve in our own way and telling them they shouldn’t cry or they should be over it by now may make them feel worse.
To suggest to the parent that a new pregnancy or child will help lessen the grief of the child just lost.
Find a way to explain the loss. Avoid saying things like “it just wasn’t meant to be” – this could be hurtful to them.
It’s important not to forget the impact this can have on other siblings too as they often know a lot more than they may show at the time.

Do you have anything to add to this that might help? SHARE with us in the comments below.

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47 Comments

- - meedee said
  - 15 Apr 2022
    7:52 am
My daughter lost a baby and it was heartbreaking.

- - ella12 said
  - 20 Jun 2017
    3:08 pm
Yes I think you can just be there for them and let them know you are not far away if they need you.

- - nealsq said
  - 15 Nov 2016
    11:04 pm
When I miscarried I didn’t want anyone to know because I didn’t want to hear their stories I just wanted to be sad. My husband refused to call my work for me and couldn’t come with me to hospital, these things I have never been able to move beyond

- - mom93821 said
  - 30 Dec 2015
    11:14 am
Always be there for them – even years down the track as the pain does not go away!

- - rachelvk said
  - 22 Dec 2015
    4:53 am
What a difficult situation. Caring for someone after any loss is challenging,

- - Nas01 said
  - 11 Dec 2015
    3:07 pm
It’s always sad when anybody mis carries let alone a close friend or relative. I think the key is to be there for them and offer a shoulder and ear.

- - Mum of 5 darlings :) said
  - 13 Nov 2015
    10:08 pm
I have a very close friend that went through a miscarriage 4 months ago. She was so upset & uncontrollable. She kept saying ” why me ? “. I did as much as possible to console her as I have never had to cope with having a miscarriage and I think it would be a terrible thing to go through.

- - mom81879 said
  - 30 Sep 2015
    4:49 pm
My sister miscarried, it was a hard horrible time for all of us. Especially as I fell pregnant not long after

- - Gorgeybee said
  - 16 Sep 2015
    8:45 pm
This experience is so common, but often not talked about with people outside immediate family, or until later on. So if someone does share of their loss, it is likely they are wanting to talk about it. Just being a listening ear can be of tremendous value in helping people process their feelings.

- - mom113055 said
  - 28 Jul 2015
    11:34 pm
not sure but it s hard

- - mom113055 said
  - 26 Jul 2015
    3:02 pm
it is real nice

- - deb_gs said
  - 25 Jul 2015
    10:22 pm
One friend of American background who miscarried, I used to go and visit everyday just to get her and her children out of the house to play in the park. Another friend of Asian background didn’t want to make a fuss but I looked after her boy while she went to hospital. Everyone is different but the support is valued.

- - kymichelle said
  - 06 Jul 2015
    1:10 pm
Many of us who go through this tell no-one other than our partners, so if a friend has shared this with you, make sure you are there to listen as it is a huge step just telling someone. Much love to all who have been through it xx
- mom94125 replied
  
  17 Oct 2015 , 6:56 pm
  yes i will let them know that i am there and then take their lead
- - lepumpkinhead said
  - 06 Jul 2015
    10:11 am
After having lost a baby myself and helping a friend through the loss of hers, I can certainly say these are great tips and ideas, the most important is acknowledging that no matter how short or long a time the pregnancy lasted it does not diminish the importance of the loss, and acknowledging it is okay to be upset.

- - mom149005 said
  - 06 Jul 2015
    8:13 am
Do not tell then they can always have another child. Another child is not THIS child. Even if the pregnancy was unexpected, even if it was a potential hardship, even if the plan was to pass the baby on to another family member or another family altogether don’t do it and don’t say anything about the problem solving itsself. A child is supposed to be safe in its mother’s womb and many a mother feels she failed to protect her baby in the one place baby should have been safe. Further, even people who do not want and never have children can feel devastated by the loss of ANY child so do not presume that the loss of an unplanned child causes any less pain. Many mothers who planned to release their children and miscarry feel guilty to the bone wondering if they lost the baby because they didn’t love them enough.

- - mom123781 said
  - 03 Jul 2015
    8:34 pm
This is great it’s so hard to know what to say while I was pregnant my best friend and my sister in law both had miscarriages and it was awful I didn’t know what to say and I actually felt guilty because I was pregnant and they had suffered a terrible loss.

- - coastalkaryn said
  - 02 Jul 2015
    7:34 pm
it is a massive grieving process – two of my aunts had several! Heartbreaking xxx

- - rovermum said
  - 02 Jul 2015
    2:52 pm
Just be there. Listen. Let them talk. Send spontaneous text messages to let them know you’re thinking of them. Just be there.

- - buggerit said
  - 02 Jul 2015
    10:44 am
Great advice as some people just do not know what to do in a grief situation.
Some people need tips on what to say or just what to write on a card.
I had a miscarriage and we had just hired my replacement so my bosses said
come back to work until you whenever as their wives also had miscarriages and they
knew how I felt. People came out of the woodwork telling me they too had had a
miscarriage. I had joined a club that until then it was never discussed. I have a friend
and we celebrate our baby by talking about them and I know this makes my friend feel really good as her partner does not want to talk about what happened. Girlfriends stick together and support the good and the bad.

- - mom67623 said
  - 02 Jul 2015
    7:40 am
I had miscarriage years ago resulting in nearly seven years difference in age between my son’s now grown. But still remember being bed ridden and eventually losing the baby it is true. Then trying to have another was a horrible experience it is true, but eventually achieved my goal.Kindness and compassion and doing nice things without being asked helps too ,as rotten time to alone go through, often you pretend you are OK while inside it was hidden away. Glad it is more considerate and awareness today, female good friends or a group if alone is something too,be encouraged to do if needed it is true. Knowing you are not alone is a comfort to, feelings can be shared with others going same thing through. Sometimes added benefit I consider to be true. My son and one of his new family member too, making sure he signs on dotted line. He is doing good job too