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Everyone experiences loss differently as well as expressing and grieving in our own individual way.

As a parent, I can say with the utmost hope that my greatest desire is for my children to live healthy, happy, enriched lives and that they will all outlive me.

The thought of having to bury a child of mine makes my heart ache and leaves me breathless.

It’s a negative thought which no one ever wants to give any time to. This is understandable enough, as it it a largely painful thing to consider.

Social media takes the concept of avoiding negativity to a completely new level. For example, the picture perfect lifestyle which most people try to uphold on Facebook. Where life is always beautiful and things are always running smoothly.

Often people will try to complete with their friends always trying to outdo one another with the perfect selfie or best, most talented child(ren), it even extends to who has the most loving husband.

Then there are private groups, where sometimes people discuss the not so pretty side of their lives.

One group in particular which recently caught my attention is a weight loss support group.

It’s aim is to motivate and empower mum’s to lose those extra kilo’s, and of course their ulterior motive is to sell their products as well as meal plans, recipe books and the like.

There are rules for this group, as there are for a majority of private Facebook groups. Two of which include that ones posts must be on topic and that they like to maintain an upbeat atmosphere.

Last week a member of the group submitted a post regarding her son going in to hospital, and that she planned to maintain her healthy eating plan during this time.

After the surgery, this mother edited her post.

She let everyone know that her son, five month old Sebastian, did not make it through his surgery.

My heart hurt for her. In fact she received many comments of condolence. Her post touched a great deal of members.

Her initial post was left in the group for days. Once it was edited to include her son’s passing, within 24hrs, it was deleted by administration.

They said that the post was not on topic and it didn’t maintain the “upbeat” nature of the group, and that they had to consider the thousands of other members.

Words can not describe how even more saddened I was at what they had done.

Surely even though it is a weight loss support group it would not hurt to give this lady the kindness and consideration at such a devastating time in her life.

I understand that there are rules to follow, but at a time of such great loss couldn’t she have been allowed to be consoled.

If it were one of the administrator’s who had lost their child I am certain that every member would be made aware of their loss. How is this mother’s baby any different to any other mother’s child.

I lost all respect for that group that day.

Concerned for the mother’s well being I submitted a post asking if anyone knew her name so that I could send her a message of support.

My post was deleted immediately.

Understandably the subject of the loss of a child is a negative one, which hurts all parents. But surely as human beings we are not all so heartless that we have to avoid it so entirely that we can’t even offer support to someone who has lost their baby.

I feel so hurt for this mother. Not only has she lost a part of her world, but at a time of deep devastation she was turned away.

Death is all a part of life. Parents lose children everyday.

As painful as it is to hear about, surely we can’t be so selfish that we have to ignore someone’s immense loss if it doesn’t affect us.

We try to maintain this positive profile on social media so as to never let our guard down. We avoid those that mention negative experiences. And offer very little support to anyone who isn’t bursting with happiness.

Does this really need to extend across to the loss of a baby. To the point where a mother’s grieving post is deleted as it simply was not “upbeat” enough.

I wish this mother strength and love at a time in her life where things will never be the same again. And I hope she is able to find peace.

If only we could maintain the empathy we have as children into our adulthood, there would be so much more love in the world.

Image courtesy of Shutterstock.com
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  • That’s awful her post was deleted, it’s important for parents to grieve and this is part of life. I think sharing those moments can go towards healing and so her post should have been allowed.

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  • I so agree you, we have to be so upbeat these days we can’t admit to our family, friends or even ourselves that we had have a problem let alone anything like this poor woman went through. I had a still birth birth many years ago and from the doctor down everyone pretended my pregnancy didn’t happen. It was a no go zone, I couldn’t even talk about it when I came home. My nursery had also suddenly disappeared, I know that they all meant well but I needed to talk and probably still do.

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  • Sometimes this world just doesn’t make sense…Pornography and nudity are fine … but periods, breastfeeding and the death of a child are taboo……Crazy crazy world

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  • looks good

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  • So very wrong what they have done to this lady.

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  • I find it very hard that so many people simply don’t want to mention my son’s death. I understand it makes them uncomfortable, but it hurts.

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  • I feel for that woman. To have your post deleted during such a painful time could be quite upsetting too. She obviously needed to let it out.

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  • My heartfelt love is being sent to this mom…along with a gentle hug.

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  • I agree with you Rochelle. I cant work out facebook sometimes!

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  • Thank you for sharing this with us. I am disgusted and appalled that a ‘support group’ administrator would delete comments that DO relate to the topic of supporting people trying to lose weight post-pregnancy – a time which also includes dealing with sick children and tragic circumstances such as this lady and her family endured. I think that the members of this site should leave this Facebook group, as they are not very supportive at all. Being upbeat is good, but showing compassion at a time of great sorrow demonstrates our humanity towards each other.
    I commend your efforts to try and find her, and hope that she either reads your article or is contacted by someone who knows who she is.

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  • That is very sad, I had a miscarriage between my lovely boys and I know that although it was for a reason I still feel sad about it and often think what if and that was about 38 years ago. I hope this mother got the love and help she needed.

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  • I saw this happen and did wonder if the mum got support to help her though the very bad time she is facing. How it happened was just horrible and nasty

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  • I think it is tragic that you were not helped to find this woman and offer your condolences. At a time when she needed support, she was shoved aside like unwanted rubbish. Thank god for people like yourself who do not feel that way. I hope that mother finds the support and love she needs from somewhere else.

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  • wow that is unreal! people deleting all mention of this are heartless! good on you for caring about another human being in pain. the world needs more of your special type of kindness.

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  • Thank you for posting this, I agree with your comments, it is so sad that the death of a child can be dismissed in such a cruel fashion. I had 5 stillbirths, back in the day when it was considered ‘bad’ to allow the grieving parents to at least see, let alone hold their precious child…instead they were told to go away and try again. It took me over 20 years before I could finally process the grief that I’d buried, and am now able to help other parents who’ve had a still birth.
    The situation for parent now is slightly different, at least they’re allowed to have a private room where they can begin the grieving process, crying, holding their precious child, saying good bye. But society is still unsympathetic. Those who knew of the pregnancy suddenly become too busy elsewhere when news of the still birth reaches them. Yes, I understand they probably feel uncomfortable, and don’t know how best to respond when they see the parents, but saying something, even maybe the not quite right thing, is better than the silly charade of trying to make it appear as a case of mild indigestion!
    Many a time parents can’t bear the burden of grief and they separate, sadly, never really processing their grief, never coming to terms with the false guilt that is often part of a still birth. Was it something the mother did/didn’t do? Does it ‘run’ in either family?
    I too am praying for that mother whose grief was dismissed so callously. Life is what it is, and it isn’t always ‘upbeat’, whatever that means.

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  • I know exactly what your saying. Many years ago I gave birth to a baby girl who did live long. Now from my doctor to the last member of my extended family everything had to be positive. The doctor kept me in hospital until after my daughter was buried, when I returned home the nursery was no longer there and all baby clothes had been packed away. My pregnancy had never taken place.No one spoke about it, I had hoped things had changed obviously not!

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  • The name of the group says it all \”weight loss SUPPORT\” if the group is meant to be upbeat and supportive then instead of deleting the posts the admadministratorrs should have offered upbeat supportive words in this womans time of grief. I lost a son 2yrs ago and this behaviour disgusts me a simple offer to help her get back on track with her weight loss goals when she is ready couldve kept the post on topic while also making the mom feel like she is not alone and who knows it couldve helped. I know I threw myself straight into planning the most beautiful and memorable funeral I possibly could just to keep myself busy. My hearr goes out to the family feeling this tragic loss.

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  • l know what these womens are going through and their minds as the questions but no answer but l still think of time why is baby taken from me but everything is a reason all l can say is do the best in your life l had more children and l am bless but its doesnot replace of the first baby and l pray everyday life get better each day.

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  • We are so lucky to have Mouths of Mums were sharing others grief is actually helping people heal.


    • I totally agree with you here! Thank you MoMs

    Reply

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