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Article Why I Don’t Teach My Kids To Share

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“That’s mine!”  “I want that!” Or maybe no words at all… a snatch, a shove, a push or a scream…tears and tantrums! As parents we want our children to share and be considerate of others.

What does this look like?

When an argument ensues, we take the toy from our child and give it to the other child saying “Johnny, you need to share!”

What does this teach our child? 

It teaches them that “sharing” is giving away the toy I was playing with and this may mean there is no sign of its return to me… no wonder the result is often tears or screams of protest.

Instead of teaching our children to “share” we can teach them to “take turns” and to “wait”

At home, introduce the words “take turns” and “wait” with toys and books.  You don’t even need to involve another child, yet…

  1. Car play – Give each car a turn to drive along a circuit. “Blue car is going first while orange car waits for a turn.” Drive the blue car around the circuit. “Now orange car is having a turn and the blue car will wait”.  Drive the orange car around the circuit.
  2. Doll play (or other stuffed toys) – Give each doll a turn at having a cuddle, feed each doll in turn, give each doll a ride in a stroller.
  3. Books –“Johnny’s turn to choose a book.  Mummy is going to wait for a turn after we finish reading this book.” Read the book. “Mummy’s turn to choose a book.  Johnny can listen and when it is finished you can have a turn to choose the next book.” Read the book.

Counting out loud can give a clear beginning and end to a “turn”.

  1. On the swing – “Johnny will have 10 pushes and then it is Sally’s turn.”  Push Johnny and count.  “Great waiting Sally, now it is your turn. Sally will have 10 pushes and then it is Johnny’s turn.”  Push Sally and count.
  2. On the backyard trampoline – “Sally will have 10 jumps and then it is Johnny’s turn”.  Sally jumps and counts. “Great waiting Johnny, now it is your turn.  Johnny will have 10 jumps and then it is Sally’s turn.”   Johnny jumps and counts.
  3. When cooking – “Johnny will stir the mixture 5 times and then it is Sally’s turn.” Johnny stirs and counts. “Great waiting Sally, now it is your turn.  Sally will stir the mixture 5 times and then it is Johnny’s turn”.  Sally stirs and counts.

These strategies can be applied to many different situations. Once you show them to your child, they will be able to use these words and the concepts of “turn taking” and “waiting”. Teaching your child these strategies can help your child to understand the expectations of “sharing”.  It teaches them how to “share” and negotiate with other children.  It takes time and repetition, but it does happen.

Do your kids have trouble “sharing”?  Have you shown them how to take turns and wait?

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Comments

  • I like that take turns advice.

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  • Like the ‘take turns’ concept – that is what I always did when my children were young.

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  • Take turns and wait is a fair way to describe it.

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  • I love this idea I also love the positive suggestions of what to do instead of just reasons why you shouldn’t do something.

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  • Sensible, but her description of “sharing” isn’t sharing at all, so the article is based on a false premise.

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  • This comment seems to have been going on forever. Definition of share – 1. to partake of, use, experience, occupy, or enjoy with others. 2. To have in common. 3. To let someone else have or use a part of something that belongs to you. So you are really still teaching your children to share, you are just paraphrasing on words to teach them how. Just always remember the one that screams the loudest is not always the victim.

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  • Love this!! I read an article a long time ago that put the sharing concept from a child’s perspective into perspective. The question asked was” if you were driving your brand new car of your dreams, would you just hand it over if someone wanted it??”
    Then… how would you feel if your Mum just took the keys and gave them to that person so they could drive your brand new car!!??
    Not happy!
    This resonated with me and I didn’t stress over the sharing thing. If a child wanted what my child was playing with, I’d offer them something else, ask them to wait their turn or ignore!
    The concept of sharing for a child Is really confusing.
    This article is great!

    Reply

  • I use “taking turns” too – it’s so much easier for them to understand. It’s amazing how changing the words used has stopped many tears & fighting with my kids.

    • We all have to learn how to share and the younger the start the better.

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  • It really is an article about turn taking rather than not sharing. A skill children need to learn and take into adulthood.

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  • I taught my eldest how to share and every single kid I know used to take his toys and he ended up crying and now older if someone asks him to share he would
    I should have taught him to take turns

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  • Yes we implement turn taking and counting while waiting a lot by my youngest (she’s 4 year old and has Down Syndrome). In her case it takes a lot of time and repetition, over and over again.

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  • Some good strategies there, I like them.

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  • Great tips! I have never felt comfortable telling one child off just because another wants to play with the same toy. It seems to reward the snatcher! This is good advice and makes a lot of sense. I’ll be putting this into practice at home.

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  • Very good strategies.
    Thanks

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  • Well I guess this about phraseology. I think people need to be more aware of how they talk and what impact that can have.

    • The way we speak will certainly influence those around us. Thank you for your comment.

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  • So true. It’s the basis for conflict resolution- vital skills needed when they go to school and in life.

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  • Interesting to see it from a different perspective.

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  • different article to or read from normal one. thanks for sharing.

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  • I love this concept, I’ll have to make sure I remember it when my boy is a little bit older :o)

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  • It’s a really hard stage and difficult to teach but these are the best tips on the subject I’ve heard. Great article, thanks!

    Reply
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