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Article I Won’t Hide My Tears From My Kids

by Antanika Sade Holton
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93 Comment

Sitting on my bed, my tears fall in huge drops smudging my mascara onto my glasses; I know that’ll annoy the hell out of me later, why do I never take them off first?

My eyes are puffy and red like someone handed me a doobie and I’m actually at a great party but I’m not and my body is tired and soggy like a wet sock left on the wet cold pavers out the back in the middle of a rainstorm.

Sometimes the tears and anger come because I am an overwhelmed mother with the stress of having 3 really cute and cheeky demons that love to destroy my sanity on a daily basis but usually it’s because I have mental health issues that are directly related to my childhood.

Trauma

I was sexually abused by my step father from the age 5-11, no one knew until I was 21 and despite the fact my mum and brother frequently saw my step dad in my room with his hands under my blankets, with excuses like “She had a nightmare” or “she had a sore back” no one clicked to what was going on, no one can have him convicted, and no amount of blogging about it will ever change it, the laws are crazy in historical cases.

The really hard part of all this is that now I have decided to confront this all head on in the last few months and it has had effects on my life with my family and most of all the way I parent those little half-human half-demon children.

I have a delightfully minor sometimes major and random case of depression, generalised anxiety and PTSD to name a few.

Nightmares!

We are moving from our cosy too small for us house soon because I am no longer comfortable living here as he can easily find out where I am and to help that; I’m irrationally thinking he will come here and break in and abuse my daughter. I wake up often during the night saying to my husband “did you hear that? I lie awake convinced someone’s breaking in or watching us through the bedroom widow and hearing sounds that aren’t there, was that foot steps? Was that creaking floorboards? Where there are no floorboards that kind of stuff. This is all heavy heartbreaking stuff right. But I promise I’m doing pretty outrageously fantastic considering.

I have sat and cried while my children have watched on more times than I dare to imagine, my 2 year old has said “mummy sad” or when I’ve stopped crying she says “why you not sad anymore? Why you not crying?” more times than she should have to.

I’ve Cried ALOT!

I’ve sat and been a heaving weeping mess while they have watched on and they carry on like it’s completely normal, I’ve cried in the car driving to see friends or family and been able to pull myself together last minute but those kids, they knew I was a mess minutes before. I’ve been angry, heartbroken and neglectful to my children’s needs on those bad disgusting-ugly-crying-face days. I have screamed and yelled in frustration because dealing with my abuse as well as them is all too much that day.

I’ve said all the bad-bad words within the earshot of my children, I’ve thrown things always toys because they’re just so durable these days…am I right? I’ve been emotionally unstable and wanted to hurt myself randomly and thought about what dying might be like a handful of times. I’ve said “Mummy just needs a break right now” or “mummy is feeling sad and hurt right now” so many times I can’t even count.

Don’t Hide It!

But do you know what? I don’t feel bad or guilty or ashamed for subjecting my children to my raw emotion, I don’t hide it and I won’t because what happened to me, what happens to thousands of children every day is worth being a mess over some days.

I won’t hide my tears for them, I won’t hide my distress and anger when the detective tells me yet again my case is going now where due to lack of actual evidence.

It’s OK To Let It Out!

I will not apologise to them for sobbing on my husband’s shoulder at the Macca’s playground on a family day or at Gloria Jeans over a cappuccino because emotion is real and we all feel it, regardless of why it’s happening. I want them to know that when they grow up and shit gets real it’s ok to hurt, it’s ok to let it out because keeping it in is poison, it will manifest into a black ball of fiery death inside your body, it will swallow you whole, or burn you up.

Since I’ve been dealing with my raw and unedited emotions I can feel the difference in myself and in my soul, the ball is no longer black, it’s white and it’s bright and it’s begging, almost gagging to come out. It will, and I will allow it to burst out of my body and into my inner child’s soul wherever that may be, that inner child in me was held back from the same raw emotion that my children/demon spawn will be allowed to have. I will not suffocate their big ball of bright and shiny light. Not ever.

If I could be proud to know one thing I did right with my parenting, it would be that they grew up to know that it’s ok to cry and have a toddler sized tanty in the toy aisle when shit gets real.

Do you show your emotions in front of your children? Please share in the comments below.

Image courtesy of Shutterstock.com

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Comments

  • I used to try to hide my emotions from my child, but realised I was actually doing him a disservice by not showing him that real things happen, humans have emotions and we are not robots. Acknowledging those emotions is often the first step in our journey to healing or coping with a situation

    Reply

  • Such brutal honesty, your kids will be better for you being real and not trying to bottle up everything.

    Reply

  • no hiding tears from her kids

    Reply

  • So sad, i really feel for all sexually assaulted people why others think its their right to take what they want and abuse innocence i will never understand it.

    Reply

  • You are so brave your children are lucky to have you as a mum, I am so sorry for what happened to you xx

    Reply

  • Sorry to hear about what happened to you !! Good on you to share your story here and to show your emotions to your children. I share my emotions with my children as well, because I feel we set an example. Admitting to have certain emotions and the ability to share them is a positive and healthy thing in my opinion.

    • yes it can be hard to let them see this but happy tears are always ok

    Reply

  • Absolutely. From goose bumps and tears when I hear a powerful song, to crying at TV shows or when something or someone has really upset me. I have even cried at/to my son when he did something that really shocked, upset and disappointed me. I wanted him to understand how his actions impact others.

    Reply

  • Thank you for being brave enough to share your story

    Reply

  • Thanks so much for reading, I wrote this, it was a much darker time, almost in the middle of a break down i guess. Life is better now, and I am well supported. Luckily, my Husband holds it together for us all really well when I do get caught up with it. The hard thing about Sexual abuse and PTSD is that some days you just have to let the cup spill over and let it consume you for a while because otherwise you never heal. <3

    Reply

  • You seem to be a very strong person and I wish you the best, but you seem so very sad and it seems to me that it is consuming your life. How is this all effecting your children and your partner. I believe in you, but there is a great future for you and your husband, you just have to make it so and be positive. Negative energy is not good for you and those around you. Please be very careful and look after yourself and your family. Please bring lots of positives around you and you will feel stronger and better. 🙂

    • Thanks so much for reading, I wrote this, it was a much darker time, almost in the middle of a break down i guess. Life is better now, and I am well supported. Luckily, my Husband holds it together for us all really well when I do get caught up with it. The hard thing about Sexual abuse and PTSD is that some days you just have to let the cup spill over and let it consume you for a while because otherwise you never heal. <3

    Reply

  • I am so saddened by your dreadful ordeal! Things like that should never happen to anyone! my heart goes out to you.

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  • It is very hard to find the courage to tell a very personal story – thank you for sharing, and all the best for your recovery from this childhood nightmare, to say the least.

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  • I do understand where you are coming from. I tried to hide everything from my children – but they saw through what I was doing. However, I now have a wonderful rapport with them and I wouldn’t change what I did. I was trying to shield them from carrying my anger and angst in themselves – like I did from my parents.
    Parenting is a hard thing to do – everyone has to do it to their own way and the way they believe it will help their children through their life rather than carry on the past problems into the future.
    Thank you for sharing what you are doing – I hope it is helpful for you and your children will benefit from what you have done.

    • Thanks so much for reading, I agree, you do what you can as a parent especially when times are tough, our kids need to know that its ok to cry. That its ok to comfort someone That is sad.

      <3

    Reply

  • I have major depression and BPD. I admire your view on crying in front of your kids, but I feel I am damaging my son because I do it so much. I hope and pray that I’m not.

    • I bet once your kids are older they won’t remember you for your crying. They will remember how much they loved you when you felt sad. <3

      Thank you for reading. <3 I hope you are ok.

      • Thank you Antanika. I wish you all the very best.

    Reply

  • Quite an interesting article read!

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  • Antanika I wouldn’t for a moment assume what it might feel like to have gone through that, and applaud you the honesty to share what you have and be willing to let others see it, especially your kids. It would make sense to them because they’d feel it in you anyway, so if you put on a happy face, that wouldn’t make sense to them. It is part of life it seems to be hurt by all sorts of things, most of which we sweep under some illusionary rug thinking they will go away, and we can carry on as normal. But we aren’t normal anymore, even with the smallest things we are different from then on – more guarded and protected, we develop ways to be with others etc to not get hurt again. Learning to deal with these things is crucial to feeling that ball of light you talk about, and making it the dominant part of us most days. By sharing what you have, gives permission for others who might still have things under the rug, to begin the process of healing. Thanks, I really enjoyed reading this…

    • What a wonderful comment. I wrote this. I feel like you just get it. SO SO thank you! <3

    Reply

  • I’m so sorry, you’re story bought tears to my eyes.. I also struggle with many things and suffer from depression, panic/anxiety, PTSD ect. And I have cried in front of my daughter many times-I hate myself for it.
    Thanx for sharing your story and thoughts. Prayers go out to you xx

    • Don’t at all hate yourself for crying, your child needs to see emotion where emotion is due. Life is life, its not all rainbows and happies.

      Thanks for reading <3

    Reply

  • I have suffered the same but this article was obviously written during a breakdown…..something I would not publish if it were I.

    • It sure was, you are the first to recognise that. Thank you so much for reading. <3
      I hope you are feeling better? x

    Reply

  • wont hide my tears

    Reply

  • I can completely relate to you and am so relieved I’m not the only one. I wish you nothing but the best.

    • You are absolutely not the only one, thank you for reading <3

    Reply
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