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I don’t know if I’m the only one out there, and I’m assuming that I’m not, but I feel like my family have never really understood the person that I truly am. It seems that no matter what I do I always seem to be a ‘bitch’ or selfish or a spoiled brat, which is really not the way I am at all. I am a person who has always given her all for her kids and I’m always trying to find things that we can all enjoy and to think of others, but no matter what we still keep coming back to the same sentiments with my parents and brother and their poison so often rubs off onto my husband.
My friend at work can see the way that I try to be and I’d love to actually be seen as a valuable person by my family, not someone to be merely tolerated. But I really don’t think that they will ever see me in any other way. It has always been like this since I was a young child and really couldn’t be accounted for or responsible for being ‘selfish’. Unfortunately, it has made me want to avoid my family. I don’t have a relationship with my own mother and I can’t really tell her anything personal- it’s really just all superficial.
I never want to be that way with my kids.


Posted by sars_angelchik, 11th November 2016


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  • My family is the same. I had to walk away from them for my own sanity. I had my own babies and have wonderful relationships either so I now know I am not the bad person my mum and siblings like to make me out to be

    Reply

  • I totally understand as my mother came from a poverty strickened country and her values would be seen as unacceptable to nowadays . To this down she still cannot accept a lot of things and controlled us very strictly when we were growing up which lead to a lot of disharmony and emotional pain etc. The best thing to do is look at yourself , be happy and do not put their feelings to affect yourself. It sounds hard but it is not . It took me many years to accept and it is a DAILY effort. Sometimes in families like ours it is personality and /or value differences and as long as you accept who you are it doesn’t matter what everyone thinks. I also think perhaps they are not happy within themselves so they expect you to change …? So if that is the case, this will never work unless they accept it. Try exercises such as Yoga or meditation if they upset you again and see less of them if needed , then good times will come when it is unexpected. Stay strong and hope it works out for you soon :)


    • The frustrating thing is I can be quite happy not seeing too much of my family but my husband quite likes having them around and is happy to invite them to things. I know who I am but their perception of me is so different from the way I see myself. It’s frustrating when my hubby always seems to take everyone else’s side. I just don’t understand :(. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one. thanks for your encouragement.

    Reply

  • This is very draining for you and doesn’t help to make you feel confident about yourself. The old saying goes ‘ God gave us friends to make up for our relatives”

    Reply

  • The black sheep.. yes, I was the same! 3 sisters, me being the middle one. Black sheep.
    Sometimes it’s really necessary to cut some relationship, even with your own family. You do it for your own sanity.


    • Sometimes I do wonder why it is me that seems to be the black sheep when my other two brothers have been nothing but heartache for my parents, with the middle one in and out of jail in his youth, drugs, both of them borrowing money and not repaying, the list goes on. I have never asked them for anything and have only borrowed small amounts of money from time to time that has always been paid back and certainly nothing recently.



      • Maybe with you your parents haven’t felt needed? While your brothers were always in need of help?
        Some parents think like that. They want their children to still depend on them even when they are adults. Actually even when they are adults but behave like spoilt kids. :-(

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  • Wow, I could have written this myself! My dad and I had a falling out many years ago, that lasted for many years, mum had next to nothing to do with he during this time because dad didn’t. Then he passed and mum thought she could just pick up where we left off. Mum sees me as being jealous of my siblings, she’s actually told me I always was the odd one out…..the black sheep. My brother sees me as selfish and blames me for causing mum and dad lots of stress when i was a teen. And I did, but I was messed up. They can’t see that I am happy being me. I don’t have a successful career, I don’t own my own home, don’t buy a new car every 12 months…..but I am happy. Hence I am jealous, a bitch, nasty all because we don’t agree on what’s needed in life to be happy. I have cut contact with them all, limited contact with mum, I had to. It was doing too much damage to myself and family, the only ones who matter to me


    • Wow… sounds like you are better off. It’s not very nice when family will just come right out and say those things to you!

    Reply

  • I understand you completely. I’ve never had a good relation with my mother and my sisters. Or the extended family in general. I could never be myself or express my feelings. I was always ridiculized.
    20 years ago I left my country, trying to make the best for myself. I married, we had a daughter. And now my family (that I just saw when we went to visit them, they never did. I saw them last time 11 years ago) is accusing me of being selfish because my mother suffers of Alzheimer and they want me to go there and take care of her. Me? Why? What did they ever do for me?
    I think that some people should be kindly pushed away from our life, or they will just make it miserable.


    • So nice of them to be there when they want something from you! Stick to your guns, you need to be able to live your own life.



      • Absolutely. It’s what I am trying to do. Not I didn’t have any guilty feeling. But talking about it with my psychologist helped me to put everything into perspective again.

    Reply

  • What a difficult situation. I hear the abuse that you’ve experienced, and the pain of giving all to your own family, only to suffer insults like you’ve got. Make sure you do look after yourself. While I can’t relate to the “poison” from extended family (dead and overseas!) I can relate to trying hard at home and not being appreciated -making perfect packed lunches, baking, getting things just right, clean etc. – and eventually realized that my efforts were needed elsewhere as the kids were transitioning to doing stuff for themselves anyway. It would be harder if there were outside “insults” coming in to stir things up. I hope you can work something out.

    Reply

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