But he is everything I needed. He’s my son. He’s 9. He’s nothing like I ever imagined him to be. My first born child had always been cool, a bit quirky and always busy. He hated being confined to one space and needed lots to do as a young kid. Then he turned 7 and things started to change. He developed some issues and anxiety and he started to struggle at school. A normally non aggressive child, I was now getting phone calls weekly that he’d been in an altercation and we needed to have a meeting. Suspensions, lack of commitment to his school work and a struggle with change, all began to shape my days. Our days. He has outbursts, moments of frustration with EVERYTHING, not coping with school or socially, and would even run away from things as much as possible. It began to take it’s toll on me, our family and even my marriage. I couldn’t endure any more.
And then suddenly, after a night of emotional break downs, tears, swear words and feelings of failure, I realized why this was so hard for me. I had put MY expectation on him. HE was not what I thought he SHOULD be. He didn’t live up to all the weight I put on his shoulders that was never meant for him to carry. He was who he was and I didn’t see that, until recently. I kept feeling disappointed in him and his choices when in reality I needed to take off all of my expectations and let him be him. I’m not saying that we didn’t deal with the obvious issues, it just means that I needed to free him of who I expected him to be. I needed to love and accept the child I have and not the one I thought I should have. I had to open my heart to all of his personality and stop feeling like he wasn’t who I thought he would be. I needed to see him.
And then I found this quote that solidified these thoughts…
“Motherhood is about raising and celebrating the child you have, not the one you thought you’d have. It’s about understanding that he’s exactly the person he’s supposed to be. And if you’re lucky, he might just be the teacher who turns you into the person your supposed to be” -The Water Giver
This has changed everything. While things are not perfect or close to being better, my heart connection to him is different. There is so much peace between times of struggle. So much love and acceptance.
So moms as you lay in bed tonight after an exhausting, trying, and emotional day with your child/ren, remember that we’re not just here to teach them, sometimes they are sent to better us. To teach us…
We’ve got this mamas!
Posted by hotsaucemama, 9th December 2015