I’ve always love to talk,write and make a difference and believe i was put on this world to share,assist and give my strengths to others so id like to share with you my journey so far. i don’t need sympathy, who me rants or i know how you feel comments, i just want to share and hopefully change someone else life by helping them through a struggle by sharing my story. i was 30yrs old when i was diagnosed with non hodgkins lymphoma, had just given birth to my second child Jeorja and never felt right after an ovarian cyst burst and left me with lumps in my groin. i had no obvious symptoms, no weight loss, no hot flushes and nothing but a gut instinct. I nagged my GP for 6 months, asked every doctor i worked with and blood test after blood test showed nothing. Maybe it was just second baby and return to work exhaustion, but i just thought something just isn’t right. So i asked the GP to do a biopsy and he ran me at home a week later, at breakfast while i was feeding the kids breakfast. The call was you have cancer, and I’m sorry! really what does the even mean..how could he even say that! As much as i felt shock and anger as i slid to the tiles with the phone attached and kids screaming mum,mum, i needed to see it on paper. so i rang my husband got in the car and drove to the doctors surgery. He didn’t even want me to sit, i pulled the pathology paper from his hand outside of his surgery and promised i wouldn’t sue. really thats all that was on his mind…i responded with just remember this for the next nurse that says something feels wrong. So within a week i was pulled and proved from a CT machine, to a PET scan to a bone marrow biopsy and a lovely port a cath insertion which i thought i could have without sedation as i had to pick up kids. So as quick as it was i still cannot remember that first chemo session…i remember the nausea, the tingling of my head as the chemo started to affect my thick beautiful hair which i took for granted and the patches that started to fall as i combed through the conditioner! Then a trip home to allow my sister to shave my head as i placed the rest of my locks in a zip lock bag as representation i was normal up to this stage of my life. to this day i still have the bag, no idea where it is probably in a drawer as anyone that knows me knows how many drawers of crap i like to keep! I cried and cried and never felt like me again, cancer had taken everything, my identity, my femininity and my strength as a woman. i felt no longer attractive, couldn’t hide behind my perfect hair or my great jeans and felt stripped of everything. i was lost. I pulled and pushed with my body to live and to give-up and asked everyday what did i do???? No answers were ever give, no reason, no recogonition into why cancer chose me and what was meant to come of all this pain. Well i wanted to give up as i lost kilo after kilo, became thinner and weaker and injected myself with antiemetics to stop my bald health being permanently within that sterile toilet bowl but I’m still here, i survived and 12 years later and five relapses i still don’t know the answers. Ive really stopped looking. There is no reason or lessons that have given my inner strength, no change in relationships that bought out the best in people. It is what it is, an evil disease that engulfs many each day. i have nursed, watch people die, feel guilty as i know they will not come out of this and pray asking why leave me?? why put someone through this and let them watch others die…So this is just a touch of my story i will share with you today. until my next blog, remember we are only human and no amount of guilt, disease or money can change what happens to anyone!
Posted by mom196241, 19th September 2016