My baby, well toddler is now 19 month old! And once again this feeling of sadness, guilt and jealousy has kicked in! Initiated by one little comment from a stranger! And this is not the first time that this comment had been made to me! Why don’t people stay out of things? Why don’t people control what they say? And why don’t people just stop talking?
I know it shouldn’t but it’s comments like these that really make me question some of my parenting decisions! I have been a single mum since I found out I was pregnant. I was single before I fell pregnant so no issues there. And I was not forcing a relationship with someone I hardly knew so there was no question about my future. I would, will, am be raising a handsome little thing all by myself. It hard, damn hard at times.
But a benefit of single parenting?: making every single decision regarding baby [what nappies to use, what clothes (if any) to put him in, who gets to take care of him etc. etc.] ALL BY MYSELF! I have never been good at relationships, and honestly I prefer being by myself. So the ability to parent by myself without worrying about someone elses actions is just amazing. I’ll be honest there are really high points, and there are really low points. But this would be the same if I was partnered.
Now people have their opinions, and from what I’ve noticed and heard they are very set opinions that can’t be conviced otherwise. The majority (especialy when I was pregnant) seem to be about 1. “there should be no unwed mothers”, 2.”you need a male to bring up a happy healthy baby”, 3.”you can’t raise a child by yourself”, 4.”you only have a baby when you are in love”! All these points I have been told one way or another. Ok so I am sure some people will 100% agree with these but I don’t. I am a firm believer that we make the best decisions possibly with the available facts. And strangers who see a tiny glimpse of your life at the shops definately are in no position to ask questions or make comments. So my stand on the 4. Perceptions.
1- I thinks its more common now not to be married, and babies definately come before the wedding bells. My elderly neghbour asked mum If iw as married? Response no. This is the last time my neighbour spoke to us. She wants nothing to do with an un wed mother!
2- a male to bring up a baby? Really? Did a man invent this! You definately do not need a male! And I am proof of that. If a male is for ‘rough play’ or ‘hugs’ then I am certainly filling both roles.
3- Another one I am doing. I am raising baby ALONE. And will be for a long time! So yes yes we can absolutely raise a child our own.I know 2 beautiful ladies who are also on their own (with a lot more children than me) and they are doing a fantastic job!
4- Love… What is love. Now this I could go on forever debating. You dont have a baby as an outcome of love, you have a baby as an outcome of sex! Nothing more to it.
So Ive been feeling on top of the world. DS is being amazing lately and I am really enjoying motherhood… Well that was until a few weeks ago. And her words have been on my mind since. These comments are the once that make me want to be so rude and just walk off – which I think will be doing in the future-.
So what was said you’re thinking? You are probably reading this thinking nothing can be so bad, but trust me these are the words to put me off everything. And make my perception of motherhood completely different and re think some key decisions Ive made. So as i said earlier this is not the forst person to say these exact words, nor will she be the last. First the stranger warms me up and tells me how handsome my darling is (oh yes i agree he is pretty spunky), and his beautiful curls are simply stunning (passed down from Grandma), then she changes her tune and goes in for the kill and I get asked if he looks like his father? And how we both must be so proud to have the cutest looking boy!
So this is where my heart stopped. These are the words you must never ever say to me. I spent 9 long months forgetting someone and realising I am doing it alone. I’ve resorted in the past to saying “your guess is a good as mine” (about his looks, but oh my god I get scorned at, the looks I have recieved are just deadly and fill of disapproval!
I know from an outsiders point of view what she said wasn’t that bad, but from what I have been through yes yes yes it is bad. How dare she think I have a partner. How dare she mention him. The one word of FATHER just denies me of any happiness. And I do not like people assuming there is one involved.
Her words have me sad and furious indefinately. I am now feeling guilty of doing things on my own. And a tiny bit jealous of those in absolute loving relationships bringing up a baby. I wonder… What would it be like to have someone there? How different would my pregnancy journey be? Would I have had the same labour journey? Would I have made the same parenting decisions? Would I be less stressed with someone there to help?
And you know what yes all these factors would have changed dramatically and you know what I would not have liked it.
Being a single mum should not be frowned upon just because there is no partner involved. I have loved every bit of my journey so far.
Although it would be extremely different if there was another person in the picture, I don’t think I would like it. I just dont understand why people openly give their advice/opinions/suggestions. Especially during pregnancy and when you first start appearing in public as a new mother. its like baby is a target- people see a new baby and swoop in with advice! Do they know how it can make someone feel? Just go away. All of you. I dont want to hear. I dont need to be told. And I do not need to feel the way I do.
Eventually these feelings will pass, but for now I need to keep thinking about all the good points of single-motherhood and how nothing could improve it! Just remember it’s your life, your baby, your decisions!
Posted by penny05, 26th March 2013